My mom(56) was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago. It was on her leg, she had to take heavy chemo and radiotheraphy and after the big surgery she made it! The first chemos were hard of course but she never lost hope. She was strong.
The cancer came back. She was diagnosed with lung cancer couple months ago. And she immediately had surgery. The surgery was fine. But after the surgery, the chemos started again.
The first week of chemo just passed and my mom started to shut down? I don't remember this happening 2 years ago. I don't remember this happening at all. She has always been very talkative. We noticed like a week ago. She says she doesn't wanna talk and when me and my father say something like "You can't close up now, we have to help each other." She starts to get sad and says stuff like "How can you want me to entartain you? I'm taking so many medicine I'm sorry if I can't be like you guys."
I really don't know what to do? She usually LOVES talking and she used to always complain that we don't talk as much and that she feels alone. I'm on my finals week as well and have to study and my dad is a very quiet person by nature so my mom just gets quieter. She always looks like she's thinking and she always look sad. I haven't seen her smile in a long time. I try to talk about random stuff and she just shuts me down with a "okay". She is taking anti-depressants as well but I feel so hopeless...
Edit- I can't thank you enough for your kind replies. I passed my hardest finals so I took my time talking about anything and everything with my mom today, my dad took her sightseeing as well, bc she said she wanted to go out. I believe she is getting better, she was like her usual self today, she even laughed with me.
I wish she could join here and talk with all of you guys but sadly she can't speak English I will do my best translating all of your kind wishes though. Again, thank you all so much.
Wishing you all the best of luck! Hope you have a great day. ❤
Written by
eceogretmen
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First of all, you need to take care of yourself during finals week - the rest of your life depends on it. I know that sounds selfish, but sometimes we really do need to be selfish for a short while.
About your mom, I can tell you from experience that a 2nd diagnosis of cancer is not at all the same as the first. The second brings with it the knowledge that life really is very fragile, and that cancer can come back is a tough reality to face. I've had cancer 5 times now, and remember how much focus went into the first cancer and just beating it. When it came back again my fears were deeply focused on the knowledge that now just getting rid of it wasn't enough. I went through a deep depression and was terrified for the future. All the happiness I had been carrying around, some even without being aware of it, changed. It is extremely hard to explain and I am sure even harder for those around us to understand.
When finals are over, sit down and have a long talk with your mom. One of the things she may be worried most about is whether this will be the end of it or, to put it bluntly, the end of the line. Talk to her about the depression and let her know that you understand, and that there is help out there. Maybe she can talk to her oncologist about an anti-depressant for a short time if that is appropriate. She may or may not want to share what is going on in her head with her family. Maybe there are psychology oncologists who can help her talk her way through some of what it happening. I would not have made it out of the depression without talking to one, and they are prepared to talk about the special issues cancer and recurrence of cancer bring. In many places there are also cancer groups; some of them are cancer-specific and some are all sorts of cancers, but it helps to talk to others who are going through some of the same things.
Others on here will chime in with their great support for you. Listen to all of us and do what you think is best. Tell your mom I've been fighting cancer on and off since 2002, and let her know that we are all rooting for her!
Your mom could certainly be depressed. I am a very social person but getting hit with LC then having to go through surgery, chemo and radiation is depression let alone havng it happen twice.
Cancer is also a very lonely disease even when you are surrounded by lots of support.
I would encourage you to discuss this with your mom, in a non-confrontational way, and see if she would let you attend her next Dr's appointment and support a discussion about it.
When I was dx I got something for depression and to help me sleep. I also started going to a counsellor to figure out how I was going to deal with everything. I was 52 at the time and had never been depressed or seen a counsellor but I knew I couldn't handle it on my own.
I really hope things improve with your mom. This is a lot for her to handle so wth is doesn't surprise me. She might not be depressed but feels really defeated.
Everyone handles their disease differently. I know my second diagnosis of cancer hit me really hard. Looking back to December 2016, I started chemo and radiation and I think within 2 weeks I lost my hair. I remember wondering at that time if it was all really worth it. There’s no guarantee that the treatments are going to work.
I think at this time your Mom is having a lot of thoughts and questions concerning this and is not ready to discuss it yet. Give her time but let her know that you love her dearly and are there if she needs to talk.
Encourage her to use HealthUnlocked as a tool to help her cope. She can put her thoughts and feelings on here and will not be judged. She will also find strength in reading other’s experiences and how they are finding help.
Good luck with your finals and I pray your Mom does well.
I truly believe that cancer is harder on the loved ones than on the patient. This was certainly true in my case. I was the patient, but my daughters and friends went through it all as well. My tendency when faced with a difficult situation is to withdraw until I have dealt with it and then to emerge when I'm ready to face the world again. As said by Ruthie1950, do take care of yourself, let your Mom know you are there for her, sometimes a hug says more than any words can and be there for her appointments and treatments when you can. She is probably feeling sick from her treatments as well as overwhelmed and depressed and most likely angry from it all. It's a lot to deal with.
Your Mom is very fortunate to have you there with her through all this. Your Dad is probably also overwhelmed by it all. Many men just do not know what to do and he is probably just as concerned and confused as you are. Hang in there. Your Mom knows you love her and want to do whatever is needed to help.
Eceogretmen, I cannot tell you how happy I am that you took the plunge and joined this community. The compassion experts here can steer you onto the path you need right now.
I 100% agree that you need to find a way to focus on your exams. Compartmentalize if that helps, just find a way to give this time to studies.
My advice would be to definitely hug your mom and let her know you understand that she needs time to reflect on things right now. Tell her you are there for her when she wants to talk, and she doesn't have to appear happy when she isn't feeling that way. If you are concerned about her, you can certainly call her doctor or his nurse and explain your concern. They can't share her information with you, but they can listen to your concerns in order to support your mother. Your mom may just need a little understanding space right now.
Does she see a counselor? Would she consider it? I answer our free support line and would be very happy to speak with her if she just wants an outside, caring ear to listen to her thoughts (844.835.4325). Certainly direct her towards this community if she is interested. We also have a free peer-to-peer matching service (freetobreathe.org/lung-canc..., and scroll down to: Get Matched with a Lung Cancer Survivor or Caregiver). I would be happy to send her our Resource Guide for support groups, you or your mom could email me at: pbezruki@freetobreathe.org.
Please don't hesitate to call or email if you have questions or need information. I would love to hear from you.
Caring hugs. Good luck with your exams.
By the way, your mom is very lucky to have such a devoted daughter. Pat yourself on the back
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I will do my best translating all of your kind wishes though. Again, thank you all so much.
Merry-Go-Round
My mom was just diagnosed with lung cancer
MY DEAR SISTER'S STRUGGLE IS OVER
Staging after surgery
