I apologise I'm advance if this post is too long to read. Please bear with me, this will be the first time I halve spoken on an online community about myself.
I've always been an anxious person. At the age of 4 I was petrified to go to the toilet so would hold it in and cause myself damage. At the age of 5 I would stand by the school window all day crying because I was convinced my mother had died and would not collect me from school. I grew out of it for a while but I maintained an anxious edgy personality throughout my teenage years.
I am 28 year old female. I would say I was 21 years of age when I had my first episode. I was sat at my computer and it was around midnight. I felt this sudden surge of dread and hotness. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I had the urge to flee. I had no idea where I was running to but I ended up in my parents bedroom begging for them to call an ambulance. I was dying and there was nothing you could say to convince me otherwise. I looked in the mirror and I was grey. My lips were white. My heart rate was around 150 bpm, I was having a heart attack and I knew it. But in fact no, they said it was a panic attack and I was sent home with duloxetine.
I remained on duloxetine for around 7 years and the panic attacks were very few and far between. Sometime in 2013 I decided I hated being reliant on medication and I weaned myself off of them. Since then, I got my life together. Me and my partner got engaged, I found a good job that I absolutely love and I have lost 5 stone in weight. I am debt free and quite frankly there is nothing more that I want or need. That's how I have been feeling up until 4 days ago.
I had a heavy night drinking on a Christmas work night out. Bear in mind I only drive twice a year and I got so drunk I can't even remember getting home. 2 days later I had a black cloud over my head and to cut a long story short I went to see my GP who put me back onto duloxetine.
2 days after taking duloxetine, was driving home from work (30 mile drive) , I had a car full of colleagues because we car share. All of a sudden, my tongue started tingling, my chest and back started burning, everything felt like it was getting darker, my heart was pounding out of my chest. I wanted to flee again but I couldn't, I was driving. I pulled over and put my hazards on hut I couldn't find the words to tell the people in the car what was going on. I was absolutely petrified, I was dying again I was having a heart attack, a stroke, a pulmonary embolism, a mitral valve prolapse and to top it off I was losing my mind !
I somehow managed to get us all home and since then I have been sat on the setee and have been crying non stop. I feel so afraid of life, I feel I have never felt so bad, I can't find any joy in anything. I stopped taking the duloxetine because I was convinced it was that, that was making me feel this way. I haven't had a panic attack in around 3 years and 2 days on duloxetine I get a massive one? I also found that my eyes were so wide and my pupils were so big that I looked like I had been using recreational drugs!
Like many of us, Christmas is my favourite time of year. I urge to get the Christmas tree up in October (lol) and I have been looking forward to it for so long but I now feel it is cancelled. I feel like I can't find any joy in anything in life because the worst thing is about to happen. I feel like there is no point in getting excited over any future plans because we're all going to die. It's an absolute nightmare and I would gladly lose my arm than feel like this. Every twinge I feel is a deadly condition, pressure in ears = brain tumour. Twitch in leg = blood clot. Pain in eye= high pressure in eye. Pain in chest = heart attack. Etc etc. I am literally running around in circles in my own mind.
If you have read this far then I thank you so much. I just have a few questions I would like to put out there to you all.
1. Is this just anxiety? Does it sound like a more serious health condition?
2. Will I feel like this forever?
3. Will I get my personality back?
4. Can too many panic attacks in one day kill you?
I'm sorry if I'm sounding irrational but you will all know that it's impossible to act in any other way.
Thank you for ready and I wish you all a very happy and healthy Christmas.