Hi folks,
My latest experiences of ICU being in 2011 for a liver and kidney transplant had a massive affect on me. I've always prided myself even from a young age of the ability rightly or wrongly of becoming very single minded (some may say selfish) about getting out of hospital, I won't allow anything get in my way of getting better.
But this time it was so hard. Long story very short, my liver and only kidney (both transplants from 1992) were failing fast and I had to once again have to live in hospital for months waiting for a new 'set' from one donor.
While in there I had some very near death experiences. In fact, once truly thinking this is it.... the end...this was different than the other times I've slipped into comas or passed out. Why, because of no pain, just felt my body shutting down, finding I can't breath.... just tiny shallow breaths . My eye sight fading, I just remember the room being full of staff some disconnecting my drains from my kidney and other lines I had in me, others being put in. All the time they kept telling me to fight and not close my eyes (I remember a nurse or doctor saying that very loudly close to my face and smell of her perfume) also the crash team being around and one of them clearly giving orders and reading a list out loud.
I glanced to my right at the monitors (after a life of being in hospitals, reading them is easy) and it was bad, v-bad. Then that voice I have in my head told me... your going mate....this is it... no more................ let it go.
This is all so clear, so vivid..... hard to type this....but i will go on, but not about that night (I can't yet) but how it left my mental state after I came out of hospital in late Dec 2011.
All seemed normal, medically everything was going well new organs working fine, and the regular bi-weekly visits back to the transplant unit for blood tests etc. It wasn't till Mar of 2012 that I started to be 'on edge' found I was 'jumpy' plus would burst into tears at the slightest thing and the nightmares, oh the nightmares.
In Apr while on route by train to hospital from my flat in Bucks it means I have to change trains, while on the platform a man bumped into me (nothing unusual, after all it was rush hour) but before I knew what was what, I had shouted loudly at him and run after him and grabbed his arm! He looked a just little more shocked than I was at this, after letting his arm go (how could I be so angry and believe me ready to hit him) I mumbled an apology turned round and walked away leaving him calling me all the names under the sun... calling me a thug etc, I felt terrible, shocked and was shaking like a leaf.
That was the day I started smoking again and had a few beers and yes.. missed my hospital appointment.
I'll end this post for the moment at this point as it's long and maybe not all that clear, but it helps. Maybe not make all of them epics, thanks for reading this far and i'll be back because it does me good, similar to what I've been doing while having psychotherapy.
PS my friends call me Buddy, bye now.