Physical and mental setback

[tapir2020]

A year out from my last visit to ICU and suddenly struggling, physically and mentally. Down to 3-4 hours sleep each night; constantly tired; bit of brain fog; vivid dreams and nightmares; flashbacks of delirium episodes; lonely; and generally just feeling down and depressed. I’m not sure what’s brought this on: work is busy, but interesting; but I think I’ve got too much time on my hands when not working, which is making me over-think. General health also dropped slightly, despite a significant increase in fitness. Writing this helps and I’ve just got to keep fighting. Thinking of all in this community.

[Dabofoppo]

Do you do anything outside of work? I find hobbies etc help keep my mind off things I go to the gym for about 90 minutes a day and that tires me out enough to get a good sleep

[tapir2020 in reply to Dabofoppo]

Thankfully I do - albeit not as much as I’d like - but work is always manic at this time of year. I’ve kept going with my fitness though - approx 20k cycle per day. I live relatively remotely, so I can’t see friends as often as I’d like.

[Sepsur]

It’s good to get amongst people, I’ve found the isolation over the last couple of years corrosive - most things I do are solitary - for health reasons too

[qmcsurvivor]

I had a big dip after a year and think it was due to it being the anniversary of that period in my life which was also over Christmas and New Year 2020/21 perhaps that was a trigger. We have all been through a traumatic period so remind yourself of the better times.

[Copse77]

Time is a good healer. I recently went back to the hospital where my brother was treated 4 years ago on ECMO and life support. I felt really thankful on the day and took gifts for the staff but we he day after I could not stop crying. It is a big emotional trauma. I was with my brother every day pre CoVId of his ICU stay a full month non responsive in a coma. Then every day after that when he stated to wake up. I hope the cycling helps you.

[Copse77 in reply to Copse77]

Apologies I mis read your message. I meant to say exercise if you can helps a lot.

[Flashblacklab]

I agree about the anniversary comment as in addition ro supporting my mum through her recent ICU experience I foster kids with severe developmental trauma. Although it's a different type of trauma I can vouch for anniversaries of negative episodes being a trigger even for my little ones who don't know the date of their removal into care or a major assault for example. They basically pick up on the season or other events such as going back to school after the summer. This will pass. Maybe next year try to be away or doing something special ?

[Back_to_reality]

I've had a bad time of it over the last couple of weeks. A few things contributed to it, but it's mostly stress over all of the stuff that's going on in my life.

The flashbacks weren't as strong as they were closer to the time, but it seemed a bit more deep-rooted. I was starting to doubt my existence, thought I was actually still in the hospital and all the time since then was in my imagination. If all that stuff back then was made up by me, then what if I'd just entered a new phase where my delusion was more sincere, or more pertinently, it was being controlled by someone else?

Most of this was happening when I was trying to get to sleep, so I think tiredness has a lot to do with it, as well as general lack of sleep and insomnia.

I also reckon I might be confusing my own experiences with the plots of several science-fiction films, like Total Recall, or Bladerunner. I tell you what, though; I am not going to watch the Matrix for a while.

[tapir2020 in reply to Back_to_reality]

A lot of this sounds familiar; I’m just unsure why it’s suddenly started again.

[rubydoobee]

From sick to a survivor…..

Caterpillar to cocoon to a beautiful butterfly

Hope this helps just something to think about...

[CLM68]

I booked myself into a series of personal training sessions at the gym so that I had appointments that were non-medical to attend. The trainer also started to introduce me to other people so that I had people there I could at least say "Hi" to. When they found out I had been really ill, the trainer told them, then they were really great in wanting to talk to me.I still have issues being able to sleep past 4am and I left hospital 8 years ago! I have a Kindle which I read at these times so I don't focus on the flashbacks which got much worse with all the ICU images being blasted all over the media due to COVID. I agree with the other comments about the anniversary being difficult both when I went into hospital and when I got out.

If your friends are remote from where you live then set up Zoom/Teams sessions with them.

Have you had any counselling yet as it is great that your body is fit but the mind also needs to feel better? Talk to your GP about your flashbacks etc as it sounds as if you may have PTSD which is incredibly common for anyone who has been in ICU or experienced a major trauma.

You are not alone!

[tapir2020 in reply to CLM68]

I was diagnosed with PTSD and counselling followed. It helped a lot; I’m just unsure why it’s all started again (albeit not so bad). Your comments / suggestions are helpful.

[CLM68 in reply to tapir2020]

It could be something as simple as a noise or smell that can act as a trigger or even something you watched on TV or in a movie. It may be an idea if you are able to work out what happened or what you did for you to start struggling again?