Why there's Been no "I" in Team: I've never... - HIV Partners

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Why there's Been no "I" in Team


I've never been much of a joiner. My personal experiences growing up in the 60s and 70s have led me to expect my interaction with groups to resemble The Frankenstein Monster's relationship with the torch and pitchfork set. When I was a kid my undeniable homosexuality caused me to be ostracized from my family and neighborhood cliques which in turn precluded me from attaining the physical confidence, coordination, and rudimentary knowledge that are prerequisites of athletic pursuits. The time not spent on the field or court or playground , for me was spent at the library, where by the time I was nine I was on a first name basis with the entire staff. Because of that, by the time I was twelve I had read most of the classical philosophers and was beginning to crack open the complexities of Existentialism, I was able to converse with confidence about several of Shakespeare's plays (especially my favorite "A Midsummer Night's Dream") and I had memorized Sammy's monologue from "Dark at the Top of the Stairs" in order to entertain adults at parties I couldn't not be invited to, I knew more about Sherlock Holmes and Miss Marple than I did my own parents, and I had read, in an attempt to get an intellectual grasp of my aberrant sexuality, every nonfiction book that had a reference card under the heading "Homosexuality" including Sigmund Freud's Notebooks and a silly religious book that claimed I became homosexual as the result of luxuriating in too many long, hot baths. Now, don’t think I was just some super smart egghead kid who just needed to find the right social situation in order to flourish. My home life was atrocious. My parents had a sense of the nature of my oddity and their fears were finally confirmed when after some trouble with my teacher, Miss Gentry (the only Ph.D. on staff). The School Psychologist tested my 7 year old mind for mental defects that my teacher suspected were there, obstructing my very ability to grasp the Second Grade Curriculum, only to find that I had an I.Q. of 147, was reading at College Level, and , oh, yeah, I was homosexual. That is when they really stopped raising me and I became more of an obligation they had to contend with until I turned eighteen, at which time I would go out into the world and eventually die in some alley as the result of a horrible disease I contracted in the arc of perversion that my life was sure to be. This is just what they had been informed was to be. There were moments of genuine caring but in their eyes they had three other children who needed their resources, so why waste them on a lost cause? This attitude didn’t mold me into the kind of kid that got picked for teams in gym or really picked for much of anything. Because of this, I never developed a team mentality. I seriously have no inkling as to how one can get caught up in whether one team wins or loses to another.

I am, for the first time in my life, putting together a team: I am looking for some comrades who, like me are at a place in their lives that necessitates a reinvention of the self. I am the only one here in this team, but please, pick me so we can be a team and even if our personal burdens and journeys remain the same we can help one another simply by being there. Go team!

2 Replies

Wow that's a long post. Where in the world are you Trotski? I had a similar ish experience to you. My parents were very religious and I was ostracised by them because of my sexuality.

Trotski in reply to 247sweet

I am in the Mid-West of the USA. I have the odd situation that I was the only member of my immediate family (two brothers and a sister) to have gone to church or to have had any religious indoctrination. My limited ability to be a full fledged member of the family caused me to begin looking for something bigger than me: a place I could belong. When I was seven years old I began attending The Church of Christ. The double whammy of being very obviously homosexual and not having a father and/or mother tithing to the coffers, after four years, helped to make it apparent that this church had very little use for me, but also gave me my first insights as to the cronyism that so many church communities disguise as spirituality. I'm afraid it also fueled a cynicism that I struggle with to this day. I didn't give up on God and religion until my mid-twenties when my first real relationship ended after three years; my lover had given up being a Minister in MCC to become an executive at AT&T, and was an early activist for marriage equality and monogamy who broke up with me: so much for principles. I now operate as a hopelessly romantic agnostic, the spiritual equivalent of the kind of guy who thinks that his ex will eventually see what they could have together and come back to him.

BTW The post before was even longer. LOL!

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