New

Just been told I have Hiv

I'm 27 married with a child 3 and wife 25.

I was working in Singapore and had sex with a sex worker and condom broke.

I was drunk and it was only the first time I ever put myself in such a risky position.

I still can't believe I done it..

But I did.

So I went straight to the doctor wen I arrived home and was told I had like 1/2500 chance of getting virus and thats if that person even had it.

I tried to calm down but the guilt ate me up.

I told my wife and it ruined her. I just wanted to make it all better.

A week after telling my wife I got swollen glands. I shit myself because I knew it was a strong indication. I then got a really sore throat. Then followed by thrush in my mouth.

I done a test at 4 weeks which turned out positive. I'm So scared of this and don't know how to cope. I will lose everything. My house.my job. I've already lost my wife and feel to ashamed to be neat my son.

I feel like dying now. my life was so good and I loved my wife so much. I made one stupid mistake and now my life is gone forever.

[robsherrard]

Everyone makes mistakes mate, you don't deserve to have HIV. There's no reason why you can't get past this, but you need to come to terms with your diagnosis and own it. Sounds like you need to speak to someone about this face to face.

[Hidden in reply to robsherrard]

Yea I know and what a mistake I made. I loved my wife and can't believe I done it and the condom broke. The first time I ever cheated that happens.

My wife will leave me and rightly so. Don't know how I can face life with the Shame and stigma I Will face. I told my brother but he is just in shock.

[robsherrard in reply to Hidden]

So why is your wife leaving you? Because you cheated or because you got HIV? The HIV and the cheating are separate issues that you need to come to terms with. There's no need for you to feel shame for having HIV. Right now your internalising the opinions you had of people that were HIV positive. I.e. you believed if someone was HIV positive, they probably got what they deserved, a punishment for being promiscuous and something to be ashamed of. So naturally you're now going to feel that about yourself, you got what you deserved. Some people feel they have a right to point a finger as far as HIV is concerned. Well you find me someone that hasn't had unprotected sex. And if you can, then their parents certainly did, otherwise how are children being born?? HIV is a virus, like flu, it can infect anyone. Its nothing to be ashamed of. When you break it down, the stigma around HIV is bullshit. You will come across ignorance and stigma, the way to deal with it is to educate yourself and be prepared for the reactions you might get and use it as an opportunity to educate them. Don't become a victim, as that's how you'll get treated.

[Hidden]

I never ever thought people that got HIV deserved it. I admit I did feel pity. Now I pity myself.

My wife is leaving me because I had sex with a hooker and betrayed her trust and broke my vows. Having HIV is hard to digest for her on top of that.

I'm still in shock.

I'm slowly coming to terms with it and I want to be strong for my son but I just cant pick myself up from the down feeling I have.

I keep telling myself I could of died today and this Is a chance to make myself a better person. But then I fall to pieces.

Thanks for the support.

[robsherrard]

It sounds cheesy, but every cloud has a silver lining, and you will find yours. The things I've done and seen and experienced since getting diagnosed has changed me completely as a person, and for the better I think. I can honestly say that if I had the chance, I wouldn't undo anything. But totally understand how youre feeling. It's like a grenade going off in your head. I'd've rather been given a cancer diagnosis at the time. There's almost some nobility in that the way people talk about 'fighting' cancer. Nothing like that with HIV. With any other disease you can talk about it openly and get support. Can't do that with HIV. Have you thought about going to a newly diagnosed group? Where abouts are you based?

[Hidden in reply to robsherrard]

I'm based in Belfast. I just think I need time to come to terms within my own head before I can say it out loud. My wife and brother know and they don't even know how to act around me. There just speechless.

I also have work to worry about. I need to get my head straight because I don't want to be in denial then go Rock bottom in months or years time because I didn't face the reality.

im trying to build a foundation with my mental state.

I want to win my wife back but the fear of transmitting the virus to her scares me from even trying. I mean I got HIV with a condom failure.

How are you coping with ur status today? Have you been able to have relationships?

[sumaleng]

keep strong dear live your life to the fullest sometimes they will realize that youre still worthy they just need to be educated about HIV