I'm at the end of my tether trying to lose weight and fighting against an unsupportive husband, who I am starting to resent.
I'm a mum to two small boys but since having them, I have put on four stone. Mainly as I comfort eat and have an addiction to chocolate that has spiralled out of control.
My husband is a big lad and doesn't care about healthy eating. He'd live on steak and chips if he could, but I keep serving up semi-nutritious meals, to his annoyance. My body is screaming at me to eat more healthy food, less sugar and fat, but my motivation and will power is at an all time low. I'd like to be vegetarian or at least dramatically reduce my meat intake but my hubby point-blank refuses to have meals without meat. So I'm stuck, rotating the same fat-laden fodder that he was brought up on.
Any advice, including divorce is welcome.
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Sunset73
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Hi Sunset... l too love chocolate... & totally understand your dilemma. . . Recently l told my husband that l will be eating healthy... he bought me chocolate donuts... did l eat them? Well there are a few left in the box.
I will now reaffirm my choices. . .
He gets meat... l make MY HEALTHY CHOICES for me & will share ...
Sigh...mine does that too...giant bars of Dairy Milk, which he knows I have no chance of leaving in the fridge. Seriously though, my sugar intake is huge and worrying me.
Hi Sunset... you have children in you home to love & care for, so our situations are very different (l am 70). This stage of your life is hard & marvelous (been there). lt is very important for you to take care of you - so you can take care of your family. Tell your husband that you want to take good care of him & yourself for the children. Hopefully someday you both will enjoy the pleasure of playing with your grandchildren.
I guess will power is a big issue... l have very little once chocolate enters my home. My husband is a good & kind man .... he loves chocolate too.
I rember one evening that last week l said, " l sure wish l had a chocolate donut." I guess l need to keep my mouth shut ...in more ways than one.
This seems to be a fairly common theme! There have been a few posters recently with this problem.
However it's worth making sure that the meals you're cooking (or intending to) really are healthy. Dietary fat has nothing to do with bodyfat - at least not in the simplistic sense - and it may be that your obsession with chocolate is due to a diet severely lacking in fat. Craving sugar and "comfort eating" is a classic symptom of insulin resistance. You may even be prediabetic. Going vegetarian won't help with this, and indeed may make things worse since vegetarian diets (unless carefully tuned) tend to be full of carbohydrates and contain an unbalanced fat profile. You need to retrain your body to use fat for energy instead of incessantly demanding a glucose top-up.
It's perfectly possible to make meals that are both healthy and tasty; there's no need to throw out the baby with the bathwater. Example: if your husband likes steaks then have steak. Lose the chips. Serve it with a big heap of vegetables roasted with olive oil and butter (include just a couple of new potatoes if you must) and add a peppercorn cream sauce. If he has any taste at all, hubby will think Christmas has come early, and everyone will be a lot healthier for it.
For breakfast, get rid of cereals, toast (especially white bread), jam, baked beans and the like. These things make you fat. Start having scrambled eggs instead, or a full English (minus the beans, of course). Also, remember there's no law about what you can and can't include with breakfast; I usually have a side salad or some sauteed veg with my eggs'n'bacon.
There's a bit more to it than that, but I encourage you to do your own research. Bottom line is: hubby has a valid point.
Thanks for your reply - now I'm worried about getting diabetes 😯 so will dig deep to find my willpower and turn things around! You make a very good point about breakfast and lunch - I usually skip these and just grab some biscuits. I reason it's because I'm so busy with the farmhouse restoration, but if I'm honest, it's because I'm lazy. We have lots of chickens roaming the orchard, and a plentiful supply of eggs, so instead of making cake, I'll make a healthy breakfast.
I'm not telling hubby you think he has a point though...I'd never hear the end of it 😉
You're so lucky to have a piece of land to call your own. Make the most of it! I have a second life as a farmer and quite a lot of my meals use seasonal produce. By the nature of the thing, stuff like bread and pasta is off the menu simply because they don't grow on trees.
You may find that those weird autoimmune issues disappear if you can lose all or most of the starchy carbs and get more of your dietary energy intake from fat. Google it: there are loads of anecdotal reports of this happening. Not suggesting it's a miracle cure, but basing your diet mostly on vegetables (minus starchy tubers), meat, eggs and dairy will at the very least sort out your weight-loss and chocolate issues, and if you're lucky you might be pleasantly surprised by a remission of other problems. Have a look at the LCHF group if you're interested in pursuing this.
I agree with you AwfulToad. Since being diagnosed with diabetes (autoimmune cause called LADA), the type of meals you have suggested are ideal to try and control blood sugar. Also, while there is controversy about diabetic diets there is much evidence regarding how low carbohydrate diets and weight loss to control not only diabetes but other health issues such as sustainable weight loss are very effective.
My daughters suffer from inflammatory bowl disorder (Crohns) and a vegetarian diet is impossible for them to follow as it would have terrible consequences not only causing pain but inflammation of the bowl.
It is easy to be influenced by the media which at the moment seems focussed on promoting vegetarian/vegan diets, however the media seldom present a balanced or alternative view. I never see such articles with references to their claims displayed.
You make a very convincing argument. My husband has ulcerative colitis, so a diet heavy on veg isn't good for him. I already have to take care with seeds, fibre and foods likely to cause a flare-up, so I understand his reluctance to embrace vegetarian food. I do have an auto-immune disease myself, although mild and manageable, so I think I need to research better diets for us both. Thanks for your reply x
Wanting to be vegetarian is a great start. Now the next step would be for you to eat one day a week vegetarian. Never mind your husband you don't have to eat how he eats and vice versa. Then just keep adding to that as you get comfortable with it, but gradual, for example after the one day no meat you can add dinner one day a week no meat and so on. Eating habits are difficult to adjust but they become more permanent when you do it gradually and feel good and comfortable about doing it.
I think you are in the right mind set already so just start. I repeat never mind what your hubby is doing. Let him eat meat even prepare it for him, I did it for a long time. I'm vegetarian sometimes eat fish for over 20 years and did lots of meat preparing for about ten years then I decided no more cooking meat or buying it for the household unless its for them to eat the same day I but it prepared. Now my wife has become near vegan for the past 2 years, my daughter eats meat does not live with us, my son eats meat, I buy prepared for him the same day he's seventeen.
Thank you for taking time to read my rant and offer support and advice. I feel like my body is physically rejecting meat. I've no real understanding of why though. My late first husband was a butcher when I met him, so I've never really had the chance to explore vegetarian food as he was also a huge carnivore, as is hubby no: 2. I found myself drooling over a carrot and chickpea curry last night and showed Mr. S and he said "that's a nice side order" 😂
I think I'll have to do things slowly and gradually, as you suggest. He can keep with the meat and I'll just cut down until I'm at a level my body is comfortable with. I'm a real carb fan though, so I'll have to be careful not to OD on pasta and potato.
Thanks - I have looked into this briefly before. A ketogenic diet would suit my husband very well (high protein) but I'll have to research it further to see if I can adopt it myself. I'm such a carb junkie that the though of losing bread, pasta and potato brings me out in a sweat.
I won't lie to you: it's not fun for the first few days. You'll feel a bit grotty until your body figures out that the party's over and it'd better fire up the fat-burning machinery again. Once you're over that hump you'll feel just fine, and six months later you'll be puzzled by your long-gone obsession with carbs.
Incidentally , a keto diet is high(er)-fat, not high-protein. Protein is not a good fuel (and it's expensive!).
Incremental changes can help. Focus on you, not him. Do you eat the same food as your husband for every meal? Perhaps ensure you have a healthy breakfast and lunch and if you’re having dinner together and you’re cooking, make subtle changes. I love chips but I make them with fresh potatoes. I drizzle extra virgin olive oil and sprinkle a little sea salt on them and cook them in the oven. Focus on portion sizes and reducing processed food. We eat a lot of veggies and salad. Explore tasty recipes online. If your husband doesn’t choose to eat what you are that’s his decision. Remember, if he wants you to eat like him it could be because of insecurity. There is a psychological and emotional attachment to food. He may think if you lose weight you’ll leave him so perhaps he needs a bit of reassurance. It’s not always about the food.
Thanks Kaz - I did wonder about him being insecure about things. I was super skinny when we first met (he now says too skinny) so I'm not sure if he's been fattening me up to try to keep me! I know I've been the one to eat what's made me out on weight, so I'm not blaming him, but the thought of having to prepare and cook separate meals makes my heart sink. I'm pushed for time as it is. Maybe I will try to gradually introduce more veg and fewer carbs...wish me luck - I must get into a bridesmaid's dress my BF has already bought for me by end of April...
No worries. I find having a small serve of Greek yogurt or even ice cream with fresh strawberries, blueberries and raspberries (when I can find them and they aren’t too expensive) with slivered almonds or other nuts satisfies my sugar cravings. And I generally have a couple of squares of dark chocolate a few times a week so I don’t feel I’m depriving myself. I have an electrical heart problem so I need to eat healthy, exercise and keep my weight down.
I love Greek yogurt, so that's a great suggestion. Nuts too, and fruit...sounds good so far! We have a massive garden, and I'm planning on growing lots of yummy fruit and veg (once the house renovation is at a point where I can divert my time and money to it) so hopefully next year will see a much healthier lifestyle. Good luck to you x
Unfortunately this is emotional abuse. I suffered and it took me more than 20 years to realise and take matters into my own hands. I had to leave the matrimonial home with my children. The years of being overweight could not be overcome because of other health issues but I found happiness. I still love the man I married so divorce was and is out of the question.
I'm sorry you found yourself in such a situation, but glad to hear you've found happiness now. I've questioned his motives myself, but my husband is buying chocolate because I like it (so he says). I hope he isn't deliberately trying to sabotage my weight loss, but it does feel like that sometimes!
I'm so glad I read this because you're going through exactly the same thing I am (and I live in Wales too!). I lost four stone a couple of years ago through Slimming World, which is basically low carb, and then hubby got fed up with me eating different meals to him and started buying me chocolate... Now I'm nearly back where I started...
I reckon the key is to really understand the damage to our health that we're doing to ourselves. I have an arthritic knee and it's so much worse when I'm heavy. When you get to that stage where you're desperate to change (you are; I am) then you have to make a stand and just try to tailor meals - have the steak, but have a salad or stir fry with it or substitute chicken and fish. Where you absolutely can't agree, just buy single servings for him and something healthy for you. Mine went to boarding school so he is all about comfort food - anything with cheese! 🧀 Chin up and good luck
Embarrassing to admit, but I was a SW Consultant about 10 years ago. I understand the theory and how the different diet options work, but I find myself sitting on the little good pixie who reminds me of my knowledge and training and happily skip off with the naughty pixie to eat chocolate and chips 😕
A high protein diet will be a challenge for me. I don't like eating large quantities of meat - much prefer carbs and veg. I will have to spend some time working out how I can do this without caving in and stuffing junk food.
Sorry to keep on about this ... but please don't try eating mountains of meat. Although your body can converts some amino acids into glucose (a very pricey way of getting glucose!) and some into ketones, this pathway exists primarily to dispose of "recycled" protein from your body's cells on a waste-not-want-not basis, not as a primary power supply. Yes, you'll probably lose some weight, but it's not long term sustainable and you'll most likely feel awful (especially if you attempt low-fat at the same time: look up "rabbit starvation" on Wikipedia). The main downside, as you said, is that a high-protein, low-fat, low-carb diet is not satiating - presumably because your body just can't derive energy from it efficiently - and you'll most likely end up doing a massive binge.
It's totally possible to do a vegetarian version of low-carb, if you genuinely don't like meat much. Slightly awkward, but definitely possible. Praveen55 is the resident expert (in the LCHF group) on vegetarian low-carb. I think cheritorrox is also doing something similar (hope I'm not getting confused with someone else here).
I just wanted to welcome you to the Healthy eating forum, and I'm glad you've joined us. I can see you've had lots of supportive and welcoming messages already - and I hope you will enjoy participating here.
Could you not have your vegetarian meals and give him what he wants to eat, I know this means cooking twice, also have you asked yourself why he has a downer on you losing weight? I am not putting your husband down so please don’t take offence it isn’t meant that why, he could be thinking if your nice and slim he would loose you. You could make healthy chips, leave skins on put in oven with spray oil low calorie, he wouldn’t know difference, and give him soy mince instead of normal little things will help. I hope I have helped you and not caused offence.
Goodness, no offence taken. I'm interested in other people's views. Kaz suggested something similar, but TBH I hadn't considered that he was frightened I'd leave. No plans to at, the moment anyway. I've tried him with soy products before. He can spot substitute foods a mile off, but thanks for the suggestion x
Hi glad I didn’t upset you, try half soy half normal mince, put herbs in he won’t notice then. Good luck anyway I hope you loose your weight don’t be put off by anyone else, think of your children, they need there mum for a long time.
Hope you feel better now - and you could always cook one huge steak for him and a big portion of a vegetarian dish (side-dish for him, main for you). As for the chips, well, have a few or none at all? And the chocolate-buying? Perhaps ask him to buy something else you would appreciate and give away any "unwanted" chocolate to somebody else before you have a chance to open the wrapper? Best of luck - I'm sure it will all work out!
Cutting down slowly works for some , but the standard protocol involves a two-week "induction" period, which involves <25g carbs/day. There is a bizarre bug (feature?) in human metabolism whereby it will simply crank down its metabolic rate as carbs are reduced, making only desultory efforts to access fat stores. This is why many people on calorie-controlled diets find that they can reduce daily calories to a ridiculously small number - a few hundred kcal per day - and STILL find they can't lose weight. It's only when that very low threshold is reached that ketosis kicks in for real. I have no idea why this is, but it's a highly reproducible observation.
Once ketosis has begun, your appetite will slowly drive carbs upwards until you're eating perhaps 20-25% energy calories from carbs. This happens naturally with no conscious intent. Approaching this state from the other direction seems not to work for most: your body responds to "cutting down" by making loud demands for more
The nice thing about a low-carb diet is that it isn't as expensive as you'd think because fat is so energy-dense. You only need about 150g grams/day of fat in low-carb maintenance, so although things like butter, coconut oil, and quality fatty meat are expensive per-kilo, you only need modest amounts of them. Carby foods, in contrast, are often diluted with a significant water content; cooked rice, for example, has one-tenth the energy density of lard. So you end up eating quite a large bulk volume of them to fulfil your daily energy needs.
For someone who is convinced they need meat, try them on a Beyond Burger or an Impossible Burger. In blind testing these are found to be superior to their meat alternatives.
You certainly have a challenge. It sounds like your husband is well on his way to a heart attack. You don't have to join him in that. In spite of his dietary preferences, he should not object to your desire to lose weight. Just because you prepare his meals does not mean that you have to eat the way he does. If meat must be a part of your dinner, give him a regular portion, but take only a small portion for yourself. You can load up on the side dishes of vegetables that you add to the meal.
Chocolate can certainly be a challenge, but there is no need to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Set a maximum amount per day, such as one ounce of chocolate, and then stick with that.
Thank you for your reply. My husband's family are all large (dare I say it...lazy) people who were brought up on cheap food and takeaways. I have to try very hard not to criticise his, now late, parents over his dietary ways, but the older men in his family get bigger as they get older and this seems to be happening with him. 😕
Many people get bigger as they age. My parents certainly did. This is largely due to a change in metabolism. Older people just don't burn as many calories as they did when they were younger. If they continue to eat like they did when they were younger, they will pack on the pounds. It doesn't have to be like that. Fifty years later, I weigh the same as I weighed in my early twenties. All you have to do is improve the quality of what you eat, and decrease the quantity. My wife actually weighs less than she did fifty years ago.
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