Love these 
NEXT DR MARTENS ON MY WISH LIST: Love these :) - Heal My PTSD
NEXT DR MARTENS ON MY WISH LIST
37 Replies
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My legs can't do these too swollen and lumpy but they are beatific. Wonder if the embosser is done straight onto boot once the boot is finished or whether they have to position the cut to fit the embroidery done on the sheet of leather?
You know there is a doc martens seconds and factory shop?
• in reply toGRUMPYA
No I didn't know. These boots were 130 in the shop. 88.00 on line. Lee thinks the embroidery was done first then they make the boot. Where is the seconds and factory shop. How are you today. Looking forward to your interview Monday
GRUMPYA• in reply to
I used to have a couple of gay mates who used to save up for months then go to the 2nd shop. From memory I think it was Northampton but a bit of googling might be worth a try. I know they used to get seconds at a third to half price.
It's really hit me today about the betrayal of this so called friend. I put it all in a post to try to think it through but won't know until Thursday now whether the investigation will be escalated into a disciplinary or suspension.
I'm really anxious about the job interview, feel very pressurised now. But apart from that and still having tooth ache I'm fine.
• in reply toGRUMPYA
That's the trouble with dentists you are fine - you go to see them and they give you toothache. I understand you would be anxious. I wouldn't even consider going for an interview right now. But I feel you are a brave woman and your strength and determination will get you through the interview. My panel is next week. Don't know why they are bothering they have already made the decision. Quite frankly I could not give a s**t. worry about the thing on Thursday after the interview. Funny how Thursday is significant to both of us. My first counselling session and being judged by people who don't know me just to save money. Oh well guess what that day will come and go and we still wake up the next morning whatever happens.
Margot x
I might be classed as brave by some because i do things despite the fear or because of it, but people think I'm strong and I am not, I am driven, driven by the terror of feeling vulnerable. I'm working because if I don't then i will have no national insurance, no pension and although we might get by its too scary to even contemplate. In fact the idea of scraping by one day at a time not knowing how we will get by next month or year is so terrifying i would rather die. So I work when other people would not, and I save and I do second or third jobs just so it's less likely I will lose it all.
We will have to compare notes on Thursday. I'm glad you have reached the don't care stage, while I was there I was ok
• in reply toGRUMPYA
I worked for them for fourteen years. Other dangerous jobs before that. They do not scare me they are just people. Those who are going to judge me were nowhere to be seen during riots and dangerous situations. They were in their comfy office watching it on CCTV. They are the cowards. I understand what you are saying. I have worked for 40 years. So I am now getting help and support because I have paid in for so long. As an independent woman for so long I hate this. But at the same time as someone who is sick I need this help for now. Trust me it's a quarter of my usual salary. Talk to you Thursday if not before. Would like to hear about your interview.
Ah well dawg we do not fasten by laces. There is a cheeky zip. Also sans flowers are you not in touch with you feminine side dawg. just kidding x
Hi ChilliDawg--nice to meet you.
At one point I was a wild-land fire fighter--I had boots that would lace what seemed like forever....so, I decided to lace the first few, then skip every other one. It worked for the most part, when I wasn't on a fire. However, when I was, I wanted all the stability, so I laced them all the way. Good thing, once I had them on, they did not come over for at least a 24 hour period.
Maybe that will help---if you ever find yourself in that kind of boot again!!
Wow margot55--those really are beautiful. Thanks for sharing them.
I hope you can find them at a second hand store!!
• in reply toBikerChk
My birthday soon think my boys may club together and buy them. Two also have student discount. Fingers crossed Bikerchk
BikerChk• in reply to
Fingers and Toes!!! Hope it works out----please let me know!
• in reply toBikerChk
all the amazing careers on here. I think I sought out dangerous jobs. Always put myself at the front. Not sure what I was trying to prove. Now I have been diagnosed I have looked at my life retrospectively and many things make sense. Right back to my Grandfather who was a Japanese prisoner of war. Been reading posts about abusive veterans and feel really anxious now. Everything is crashing together. Two weeks after hubby and I got married his dad died and two days later his mum. Hubby's dad was adorable. A war hero and such a gentle loving soul. He had permanently curled toes from kneeling in trenches. Even in his eighties he was dapper. We love that man so much. Last Christmas my mum died who I hadn't seen for years. The grief was overpowering. This is what is so awful about ptsd I was talking about flowered DM's now this. Taking a break 
BikerChk• in reply to
Margot55,
I completely understand your need to seek out the dangerous jobs.....I too am a thrill seeker. I am not reckless but I do get way out on the edge--in play and work. I would like to know what you call a dangerous job--danger can mean different things to different people. I suspect, people who experience trauma early in their existence become numb to the normal feelings in life. Then in order to feel something, we seek out more out on a limb activities just so we can feel something, feel alive. Another way to explain it....we are so use to being is a hyper-state, crisis of sorts, when the tormentors are gone....we crave that 'excitement', not the trauma but the heightened awareness and ultimately WE are in control---finally!
Not all veterans as abusive....in my case the person that tortured me was a Vietnam veteran but I know many more wonderful veterans from Vietnam and other wars, that were gentle people much like your husband's father and possibly your grandfather. Many of these people suffered or currently suffer from PTSD even before it was an acceptable diagnosis. In my case, I don't think my tormentor had PTSD....I don't recall any of the symptoms in him that I exhibit or have read about. I think he was plain evil and learned many of the techniques he used on me while in Vietnam.
You have had a tremendous amount of loss causing grief in your family......early in your marriage, a time which should be celebrated, your husband's parents die---what a tragedy which is revisited every year instead of concentrating on your union together. Then, the loss of your mother. Allow yourselves to grieve. The 7 (some people say 5) steps are grief are well known and take time.
Have you brought your concerns up to your therapist? I know you just had your first visit on Friday. It is possible the session has stirred up some thoughts or feelings you had not experienced for awhile or at all. Be kind to yourself. Do not try to understand everything at once. There is a lot to what went into making you who you are and it can be overwhelming to begin the process. Make sure you eat well and get good sleep. It is a journey that must be walked not run. It will be enlightening, but may also have some rough moments.
If you have a good rapport with your therapist, they should guide you through the thoughts that are currently crashing together. Do not rush the process. If you are uncomfortable or unclear with your thoughts, make some notes to cover in therapy and then put it away. Take a break, play some of your favorite music, call a friend or go exercise. Do not dwell on the things that cause confusion as this will lead to anxiety and your thinking will become clouded.
You are not alone in the journey. The people on this forum are here to listen to you, support you and will give a hug or supply a shoulder if you need to cry.
Take care!
Wise words there BikerChk I agree about danger, and fear. My mother is literally only happy when there is strife, drama, and conflict, it relaxes her, makes her feel in control in some strange way, she has PTSD amongst other things from being on the run for many years from Hitler and the camps.
Personally I continually moan that I just want to be treated like everyone else yet I was the first woman in the country to do my original career, I was the only woman on my degree course, I was the only woman in my management post in the building industry. I thought it was because I had been brought up to consider woman weak and silly, but maybe I just needed a bit more than a more comfortable traditional role would have given me.
I also remember climbing across scaffold 25 floors up and stepping from one section to another across a gap with no hand rail and cantilevered boards, and the scaffolder and foreman watching me and saying "Credit to you girl, most people wouldn't do that if they were that scared" and my reaction was "Scared what are you talking about? It just gives me a funny feeling in my tummy and in my legs" the pair of them were laughing their heads off and saying "That's called fear".
I was so frightened as a child that although my body still reacted to some situations i had no idea that the physical symptoms were caused by adrenalin, I had no idea any more what fear was. Of course now going to the co-op for a loaf of bread can be more frightening than anything I have ever felt before!! It's payback time, I think we all feel a certain amount of fear in our lives, some feel a bit more, some a bit less, but because we had 40 years we thought we didn't feel it we are getting the whole damn lot now playing catch-up.
I agree that not all veterans had PTSD nor did they all come back damaged or cruel or broken. It's a bit like the research shows that most sexual abusers were abused but most victims do not go onto abuse. I think many sufferers of PTSD lost their empathy for other people, maybe because there was very little understanding of the condition they did not get the help they needed, combined with being shut down emotionally. My mother has never felt sympathy or empathy for anyone who is crying. Not a child or adult or grown man. She want s to know what they "are showing off for" or what they are after. She lost her empathy somewhere along the line, maybe because she received none herself.
It is an interesting subject.
Grumpya,
Thank you for your kind words.
Your explanation of how you didn't recognize the sensation of fear fits me completely. I, too, was in a perpetual state of fear--while being tortured and later back with my parents. Even now, I do not like to admit I have fear, especially in tense situations---which I have paid dearly for this character flaw. And so right you are about playing catch-up--as we finally being to heal. The flood of feelings that often overcome me when a simple response is needed is overwhelming. It is helpful to remember I am not crazy but just swinging a little (or a lot) to far into an emotional state. As time as gone by, I believe the swings are not as drastic....perhaps a sign of further healing.
I admire your pursuit of a career formerly devoid of women--as a wild-land fire fighter, I was the only woman on a 20 'man' team or even the whole camp. It was status quo for me, but after I proved I was capable, I became 'one of the guys'. Even now, the motorcycle I ride and my style riding is not typical of women---I like being a maverick, as I suspect you do too. Not sure of the motivation, I'm sure it has something to do with exceeding the regular expectations of the 'weaker sex' but at least now, I really don't care what other people think of my choices of work or play. It is more something about what I am capable of doing.
With my ongoing disability, I am anxious to discover the 'me' that will rise from the ashes. I am sure you are fully aware of my situation, as you face the limitations imposed on your body.
Your mother must have been quite a handful to process. Discovering her tragic background, while not lessening the damage she inflicted, must have been in itself, extremely difficult. With all the unthinkable things that occur, it is a wonder we are able to function at all. As you stated not all victims of sexual abuse do not emulate their abusers. I often was concerned with the anger I could easily express that I would develop into a violent person as my tormentor demonstrated on me. It has not happened....I can become violent (it is not a place I like to go) but I have complete control of what I do and more importantly I don't feel a need to be violent. My tormentor did not appear out of control most of the time but his answer to everything was violence. It is refreshing to know, despite what has been done to us, while it does create serious problems, we can exist without becoming carbon copies of those that inflicted the damage.
• in reply toBikerChk
Hey G talking about rising from the ashes is perfect. We talk about being who we were. But that is not the answer. We have to embrace who we have become and love ourselves for our strength of survival whilst at the same time dveloping coping mechanisms to live with who we are. M x
GRUMPYA• in reply to
When i was in the worst stages of my ptsd and physically not great my daughter told me something. I was talking about the old me, and the new me, she said that the old me is dead, her spirit may live on in the new me but I can never be the same person, so I need to mourn the death of the old me, along with many of her dreams and aspirations, herlife style her looks, all those things. I need time and space to mourn her and accept she is gone.
At first I won't want to know the new me but eventually I need to get to know her and when I have finished mourning the old me then I can learn to love the new one.
My daughter is a specialist neuro nurse and runs her own clinics for patients with neuro diseases. I think when ptsd is combined or as a result of life changing disabilities this is very true i think it can be relevant in situations like yours too, where it is unlikely you will want to or be able to carry on your old life.
BikerChk
when it comes to dealing with your body changing and adapting to it have a look at my answer to Margot below. I became disabled overnight but if you have time to say good bye to your old body and lifestyle i would suggest you think about it as though you are saying goodbye to a dear friend whilst getting to know a new friend who has similar tastes and interests. I really benefitted from mourning the old me, she was fun and tough and I liked her. My childhood was spent being told that not only was i never good enough but woman were a waste of space. Women were frail and stupid and weak and worthless so i became physically strong and competed in a male world. To lose the ability to walk, as well as to start crying and to have not stopped for 7 years, and to lose my strength made me feel female which i equate with weekness.
To know the old me is dead and mourn her meant i stopped looking backwards at what i couldn't do. I'm not looking forward optimistically but i am at least finding things i want to do.
By neither behaving like your abuser nor by being blindly the opposite just for the sake of it either you have proved you are free of it. You might carry the damage with you but you are no longer being controlled by the abuser.
I have a picture in my head of you riding a custom bike with ape hanger handlebars! Am I anywhere near? My hubby is and always has been a biker but he hasn't got a bike on the road at present because the landscape here is not suitable. We live on reclaimed Marsh land and sea land that is flat and every road is straight long and single carriageway with huge drainage ditches either side. He has got a project he is working on a 1960 Triumph T100. It's a lovely classic bike. He might get it on the road this year. He also has a little moped from the 1950s called an NSU Quickly. You might find them amusing if you Google them.
I'll keep you informed about the interview tomorrow
Grumpya,
I am so incredibly sad and sorry about the loss of you -- overcoming the seemingly insurmountable obstacles, the momentous accomplishments and the drive to get there, I feel your anguish. However, this new you has given me hope that I also, in time, can stop looking backward.
(TRIGGER WARNING) I, too, have come to view the old me as dead--even mourn that person who, after to many years, I finally started to like, and in the end, not only did I like her but I was proud of her. She came from people who did not want her (I explain my childhood experience as: I was a tool, like a book or a wrench, when needed, I was taken off the shelf and used, then I was misplaced and mistreated, never appreciated, but finally, put back on the shelf to wait for another day). She experienced some people that tormented her to extremes and lived in fear she would be sent away again. From there, she became incredibly strong, physically fit and ready to achieve--eventually becoming a professional with incredible responsibility. She then sought out a psychotherapist and discovered there were more emotions to experience than anger--she was still strong, but softer. It was so hard saying goodbye. The damage to her body that took her away was no where near what she suffered at the hands of the worst tormentor, yet in a matter of minutes on June 20, 2012, the damage was done. It took a few years to get to the point where I realized she was gone...she had hope for so long that all would heal, she had always been good at healing. However, the saga continues with no end in sight--the body has not recovered.
It is these ashes from which I am forming. The mind is the same, the body is not. I am no longer fit, how could I be, I cannot exercise as I did--not at a gym but doing life, it was my exercise. I am more beat down now than ever from the physical abuse sustained so long ago. I had lived on the edge, not recklessly but out there....only to be taken out while doing a mundane part of my job. The irony in it all. I would never have ever believed this could happen to ME!!!
As stated, the saga is not finished. I have more surgery to contend with after my broken leg heals (motorcycle accident two days before last Christmas). That is a saving grace. I can still ride my bikes--the best, the love of my life, is a 1989 Harley Davidson Electra Glide Ultra Classic. I know that bike inside and out because I have rebuilt every single part of her--myself, with my own two hands. The other is a 1993 Harley Davidson Dyna Low Rider (totaled in the Dec accident but fixed by a friend). The old me could do all the wrenching on my bikes, but only after the final chapter on my injury, will I know the true capabilities of the me that has yet to appear. I get a glimpse every so often, but the ashes are still smoldering (and the mourning continues). If I had not endured the torture I did, the wait would be unbearable--the parallels are unnerving.
It is difficult to write about this loss, it cuts like a knife through my soul.
Thank you for allowing me to explain some of the most painful times I have had in my current existence. I know I am verbose, but I know no other way. The loss...as I write now, I am crying....not something I usually can do.
Grumpya....thank you for the bike descriptions. I know the Triumph well but knew nothing of the NSU Quickly. I wish I could take a ride with your husband, he would like the Dyna (not a Triumph but it would do)--even temp you to get on my big, awesome bike. My riding is the best way I can deal with the current crisis as well as my PTSD. The accident in December couldn't have come at a more inopportune time--I had only recently gotten back to riding after the life ending injury . Not being able to ride is devastating, your husband must be crazy with withdrawal!!
I know I will survive, it's just the next chapters in my life are like starting life anew, with an older, achy body and lots of baggage in tow. I am anxiously awaiting the next door to open while still waiting for several to close. The most important thing I do now, is ride and then ride some more.
I wish the best for you in your interview. Nail it Grumpya!!! I will be thinking about you.
• in reply toGRUMPYA
Thinking of you now G awake too early. I truly like and respect the you that you have become. My very best wishes go with you today. x
• in reply toGRUMPYA
A little story about my hero brother. He was beaten and abused much worse that my sister and I. He is fast approaching 60. He works in close protection and as I write this I have no idea where he is. As soon as he returns to UK he will turn up on his bike with all his kit (including a bullet proof vest). My entire life he has called me flower. We were part of a motorbike crew when we were younger my bike was a Kawasaki. All the dangers he faces and he was so proud of me in my work and felt I was braver than he. I miss him so much when he is away. If you tried to picture him as a near 60 year old six foot two, long grey wild hair and a dear dear heart. His name is Kim and one day he will not come home and I will not know where he is because he cannot tell me. Yet he would always tell me (his flower) I was so much braver than him because I did not have a gun. He's been gone two months now and I miss him.
GRUMPYA• in reply to
Margot
Could you tell your brother how you fear that he won't come back and that you won't know where to look and agree a way that he can leave a message somewhere with someone so you will know where to start looking or where he might be. Maybe in a safety deposit box or with a solicitor, or something like that. It might give you peace of mind knowing if you ever need it there is a system in place and if it is secure or coded or whatever then it won't comromise him or anyone else.
Just a thought. My uncle did hush hush work. He used to let a solicitor know where he was and his wife knew to contact the solicitor should she have evidence to suggest he wasn't coming home or if she ever heard stuff on the news that worried her. She never needed it but knowing there was a system helped her cope with it.
It sounds like your whole family had theri danger reflex damaged. I think the biker lifestyle attracts people like us, there are several on here, and Brian has always been a biker while i went in and out of it, I didn't like the drug scene that went with it. At heart I am a hippy peacenik I think but hippy biker chick also fits.
I'd better get to bed now otherwise I will not be looking like a princess but more like trailer trash. Hope you are doing ok
• in reply toGRUMPYA
Hey hon you have gone to bed this is for the morning. Good luck princess. Take care. They are just people, very sad people. You are amazing I call you my friend. I have spoken of you I hope that is okay. Hubby will ask is Grumpy okay. He understands us as much as anyone can without ptsd. He loves that I have someone to talk to. My brother was always beaten by my dad. I have not heard anything for two months now. He will turn up "hello flower" . I will ask him about what you said but he thinks he is protecting me. All the bet tomorrow. I am going to leave my computer on all day. If you need to talk I will be here. x
GRUMPYA• in reply to
Margot
Please let me know you are ok. I have to change from one phone to another so combined with dealing with the witches coven I have been away from the internet today. Your other posts have worried me, I'm doing ok all things considered but I'm worried about you, and I'm worried you will call off the help that is in the pipeline and then be adrift again.
I'm going to bed shortly but I wil check in the morning between 8 and 9 to look for a message or a post.
Tomorrow should be my day of peace, no work, just the cleaner and a bit of ligh shopping or better still some sewing.
Thursday will be my d day.
I send you safe hugs, and a great deal of support, I wish I could just give you a big safe cuddle and make it all feel better but I'm here and I care and I want to know you are ok.
Love to your hubby.
• in reply toGRUMPYA
Bless you G thank you. You have made me cry. In a very good way. I love your term the witches coven. I wish you a lovely day. Thank you for the safe hugs. Love you for that G. Hubby fed me sat with me. He never tells me to pull myself together. You know the usual bullshit people say to invisible illness. He said today you're in that hole again sweetie. He does not know how it feels but he knows it is bad.
I'm a peacenik too. Have my own style which is most likely not age appropriate. Dr M's and casual dresses. I was the only girl in my brother biker gang. One night when we were out a girl took a dislike to me. I think because I had alot of attention from my brother and his friends. She threatened to rip my head off when I went to the loo. As alcohol flowed and she got more aggressive I had to leave my bike behind and climb on the back of one of my friends bikes. As we were leaving she grabbed my hair and pulled me off the bike. I never felt safer than at that moment when everyone formed a circle around me. Talking aboaut this has made me feel so much better. I am going to fb my brother. He never replies on fb but if he knows I am worried he will make contact or just turn up. Sweet dreams G. So glad you don't have work tomorrow. x
GRUMPYA• in reply to
I'm glad you are doing somethng positive and that talking helped.
I'm going to do some sewing for my son's wedding and generally try to have a nice day today.
Tomorrow I thhink it will all hit the fan in the afternoon so I just need to get that far.
I feel sad and isolated, it's nice to be able to talk to someone who I can trust, in a relatively safe place.
I suppose really my main crime was being gullible and niaeve. I trusted someone to be my friend who clearly wasn't, I thought I was safe when I had my security settings set for friends and I never really grasped the danger of screenshots because my IT knowledge was not really good enough to know how easy it was, despite witnssing someone else being trapped that way and losing a lot in another part of my life.
The isolation illnesses like ours bring cause as many problems as the illness itself. I'm glad we can share on here and talk to each other.
I will pm you later but glad to hear a brighter tone to your messages this morning
• in reply toGRUMPYA
My all telling day tomorrow too. I'll be thinking of you - Don't let them grind you down honey x
Darn nice but I am retarded when it comes to fashion.
• in reply to
GRUMPYA• in reply to
Hope you are ok Margot.
• in reply toGRUMPYA
Hey G missed you this morning. You are so right about payback. In my job we would handle a riot escort instigators to their room then eat our dinner with adrenalin shaking hands. Once I had no child minder and I took my son to work playing on the computer in my office. I got a phone call saying one of the YP's had a knife. I left the office and went to sort out the situation not even thinking about my 10 year old hearing the call and waiting for half an hour to see if I was ok. He still remembers it. Hope you are okay today.
These are quite cheeky they have a zip so no messing with the laces.
Sticking with the slip-on boots....sounds like a smart move!!
Totally relate there Chilli, if boots make you walk like a crippled duck they don't look very cool!
My daughter found a way of becoming the most unpopular person in a queue once. She wore DM's just as high as these laced in every hole to get on an El-Al plane. I'm sure you have seen El-Al it's the one with the notices saying passing security will take at least an hour and allow extra time, she had to unlace and then lace up these boots sitting on the floor in Heathrow with an awful lot of extremely p*ssed off Orthodox Jews behind her in the queue!
Don't think she would do it a second time. Every time a passenger got up to use the toilet on the plane she got a filthy look! Lots of nice older ladies whispering about her all the way to Israel
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