Hello folks. It's been ages since I posted. I've been trying a few new things to keep busy, but seasons change, circumstances change, and nothing has fitted into the comfortable routine that I need. I was doing some volunteer work at my local nature reserve, which was fantastic to chat with other volunteers and to get out into nature. But that shut down when spring started and won't return until August. So I'm back to doing nothing and not talking to anyone outside my family. The end of every day is a relief - another day down and another day closer to the day when I get to shut my eyes and sleep forever.
My memory was seriously damaged with my BI, so people and activities fall out of my head if they're not very regular. I generally have no idea what day of the week it is, I vaguely know month it is.
I go to the gym a few days a week, and have got better at chatting to people in classes. But it's not a very sociable setting. Remembering how to speak to people gets harder and harder every day.
The point of all of this is to ask you folk who aren't able to work anymore how you fill your days and keep up some level of social skills? I take my dog out for long walks in the country, which is lovely, but again, not social. I've always been antisocial, so don't have many friends. I'm finding myself lonely for the first time. So, what societies or groups or activities are simple enough for my idiot brain to cope with, while also letting me chat to normobrains for a while?
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PurpleOverlord
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I fully get what you mean about the positives of having a routine. Am definitely better when I have something to focus on in a day. When I don't have things mapped out am also struggling with remembering the day. I get a few panicking thoughts trying to figure it out.
Are you in touch with anyone you met at the reserve? They may have other places they also volunteer at that they could suggest. Maybe look at other options as lots of companies have volunteers. Last week was Volunteers Week so there may have been adverts on social media.
Yes P.Overlord, I totally get you, all of it. I’m in a similar position. Nature reserve volunteer here- also out of commission until autumn, and little other social activities and routine hard to maintain.
I think Nemo is onto something about finding more volunteering stuff - I had to give up my more intense volunteer admin work at a eco type charity due to overwhelm but if I could, I’d find something active that I can do alongside other people. I’m guessing similar to your nature reserve stuff. Do you have any ‘Friends of…’ organisations around your way? Like there’s Friends of a local park and of the local moor around my way. Maybe that is an option. Or a charity shop/ you can specify clearly what you want to do, so if it’s only sorting clothes and items in the back room with no contact with customers or only for 2 hours, then that’s all you do.
I’m a writer so I have an online writing group who get on zoom once a week to write together, might sound bizarre but it’s works so well and we’ve built a little community. Also, my local bookshop runs events, book launches and talks by writers, which are low key, quiet events with the opportunity to socialise a bit before or after or during intervals if you want or sit at the back and just listen. Maybe you have similar your way.
Also, I’ve helped out at my local amateur playhouse backstage but usually these places are crying out for volunteers for all sorts of activities. And as someone who’s introverted anyway, this is a perfect blend of socialising and helping to build something from the ground up. Seeing a play come to life on the stage and knowing you’re helping to make that happen definitely brings on those positive dopamine hits.
I hope some of this helps or resonates, P.O!
I thought I wouldn’t have much to contribute here as I’m not in a good place right now so am not doing any of the above/ BUT writing this has helped me realise that all is not lost. This always happens, I come on here to offer advice to others and end up having big realisations myself 😂 This is why this forum, this process, is so helpful I think.
Do you have a National Trust property nearby with gardens? I am a volunteer gardener and it gets you outdoors and active. You chat with visitors on occasion but don’t have to remember facts and figures. You don’t work in isolation and adjustments are made for people with health considerations - where I volunteer there is a partially sighted woman who comes along with her guide dog. You will be “interviewed “ first and get a feel for what’s involved. It’s worth a thought. Good luck.
Try some volunteer work in a shop like oxfam. They have been brilliant with me, doing things very slowly and just sitting on chair at till. It has improved me and I am slowly coming back to my old self. As I progress they are giving me more work like dressing window. The experience talking to customers really helps and it gets you out of the house.
I have been in your position when feeling lonely and out of touch with people. I care for my partner who is living with the aftermath of a TBI from many years ago. I lost my job for my own health reasons and my partner had a setback in his recovery around the same time and everything became too much for me to handle.
Life is so much better now - the 2 biggest things that helped were:
1) joining my local Headway organisation - they have many activities, social groups, events, etc for both survivors of TBI and for their carers, and
2) I became a volunteer at my local hospital. This gave me other people to focus on and many other positive benefits that no doubt you had while volunteering at the nature reserve.
I strongly recommend that you contact Headway (if you’re not already connected) in the very least. I wish you all the luck going forward and do hope you can start to pick up very soon. Let us know on here how you get on.
Poor memory and word recall are big barriers to social interaction. Putting the world to rights and any mind-bending conversations were where I was happiest, but lack of words & memory put paid to that.
I'm straddling the line of 'keeping busy' and isolation, so I really do empathize Purple. My main distraction (fair weather or foul) is gardening ; I prefer the outdoors but waiting for knee surgery, so can't stray much further for now.
Do you know if there's a Headway group near where you live ? I know many folk rely on them for regular social contact.
I like Butterfly's suggestion of voluntary gardening. Tending plants, shrubs and general green stuff is very life affirming, and would involve contact with likeminded folk...
I used to help my friend look after her horses. Had nothing to do with horses before that and I found that having to go to see them, poo pick, groom them, take them feed twice a day in the winter gave me something to focus on. It helped a lot and now I'm a dab hand with ponies and horses, I don't ride them because of spinal issues but I take one or two out on long walks regularly.
Arab Palomino; her name is Kismet (Turkish for Hope/ Destiny). On a walk up Snowdon
I love your gorgeous horse! And we're heading to Snowdon in August. Any chance we might see you? Animals are definitely a safe space for me now, they're much easier to talk to than humans. I've been trying to get in touch with the Riding for the Disabled Association to join a local group, I've heard so much about how wonderful horses are. But sadly, nothing from RDA yet.
Hello Purple Overlord,The u3a groups are open to anyone who isn't in full time work, and very economical - because all interest groups are run by volunteers. I find it enormously useful to have a regular timetable of activities to do, and there's no problem with switching between groups. Research them online. It costs about £10 a year to join a local group, which opens up monthly speaker meetings, access to national activities, and all the individual groups in the branch, many of which are free.
I'm sure that going into different social situations really helped me to cope with conversations - which were so difficult originally. Practice has helped enormously.. Plus a lot of the groups are in the daytime,
Yoga and Spanish were exhausting for me - so I stuck with the lovely painting groups - but there's usually walking, gardening, and social meet ups available too..
( The u3a groups helped me get over what I rather embarrassingly discovered was a latent ageism too - turns out interesting people are really interesting and engaging whatever age they are)
Oooh, I haven't heard of u3a and will definitely check it out. Thank you. I suspect I've got latent ageism too, but that's something I need to work on. I'm on the move from middle age, so time I got used to hanging around with older folk anyway.
I suspect my post bi peer group is ten years older than my biological age anyway.... The social aspect has paid off in terms of stuff like holding conversations. All I could manage originally was smiling and saying 'hello, how are you?' and listening - and it was exhausting at first, but I've coped and improved a great deal with practice. I'm convinced communication helps to rewire my brain again. Here's the web link - u3a.org.uk/
(It's been very helpful for me to be part of my local church too)
Thanks for all the replies folks! I had big plans to reply today while I waited in a car park for an hour for Teen 1. But I had posted a similar question in my local FB group and only managed replies to them. As soon as my brain is capable, I'll be back to chat to you folks. I figured you'd understand that better than the FB crew.
I don't have a lot of helpful suggestions to add as I have no idea what's appropriate for you, or your mobility (not being able to drive has sapped a lot of my independence), but just wanted to say that I really relate on the social isolation point. I've found it all really feels similar to working from home while living alone during lockdown for me, which was a really hard time. We don't talk about loneliness in adults (at least, pre-elderly adults) enough, and you can easily feel like some kind of faulty pariah if you don't have friends and family and everything around you that so many people take for granted, or you can't participate in communities in an able-bodied and minded way.
The only real parallel I have is several years ago when I was out of work, had had to move back in with my family to a village away from any friends, and was probably depressed. I eventually drew some comfort from getting into things where I could soothe, and draw some satisfaction, by myself. One I can't do (walking lots); reading a lot, when my brain allows, has been a bit of an unexpected lifeline since my injury (while realising that I need escapism books, not ones that create a sense of anxiety - I don't recommend the Goldfinch!). Writing a little (a blog noone else read) could help, but I may be preaching to the choir!
I'm on an exercise programme for POTS that gets me into the gym and out of the house most days, but it's not social. When I can, I hope to get back into more climbing or at least gentle bouldering (not shortage of people going climbing rather than working here in Sheffield, but body and brain aren't yet playing ball!).
Anyway, I hope you find some way forward - there is definitely something both very challenging and slightly freeing in having a brain injury and realising you have to ruthlessly shed and reorganise the ways you spend your emotional energy. Best of luck.
Yeah, you're right about having to ruthlessly shed and reorganise. I spent some time with my bike club today (a lovely social that I can still manage), and they were asking people's usual questions about how much I've recovered and when will I be back at work. So I told them the basic truth that Purple v1 died two years ago. Life now is about riding bikes, walking in the woods and how to balance my mental energy. Not about any effort to 'recapture' who I used to be.
"I take my dog out for long walks in the country, which is lovely, but again, not social" - - that's an interesting one for me. I'm struggling after giving up work after 30 years and then lost my dog last August, so I'm without a dog for the first time in 28 years. I had 3 dogs in that time but there was always someone else in the house to take some of the ownership responsibility and allow free time. That's not the case now. Dogs are great company and do get you out (not so great in the winter) but they are 24/7 with long term requirements and costs, and not always as social for the owner as they are made out to be IMHO? - For time filling I'd say break the day up in to 3 and plan (just write down if memory isn't too good) what task/activity you will do in that time, even if it's just an hour of something.
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