Hello all. So often I have a quick random thought I want to share with you folks, or a question I need to ask. But just deciding how to post it is difficult so the moment passes.
On the other hand, I have the option to just write my thoughts on social media. Very easy to do, but the things I would love to share just aren't for an audience of my friends and family.
And what is the decision of the Purple Overlord? Aha! I have created this post as a personal social media platform. I will post my quick thoughts or questions, or any insights that might be helpful.
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Today's quick thought: How to explain the extra noise in my head that I constantly have to deal with? Okay, it's like having a constant service announcement, always blaring out the terms and conditions and the service to Cambridge leaves from platform 9 at 15:25, from a loudspeaker in your brain, without end. Very distracting and annoying.
Yes I totally get you on this one…. I tried woefully to explain it to a GP once and she misinterpreted that I was hearing lots of voices and despite my trying to say otherwise, she quickly referred me to psychology and that was the end of that 🤷🏽♀️
I like your idea of having a dedicated post for all your quick thoughts. It speaks to my value of ‘order’ that I’ve uncovered during CBT therapy 😆
Not sure it's comparable Purple, but 'loud' thoughts (not voices) together with the ever-present screaming tinnitus, often drives me to grabbing my earphones to drown it all out with music.... 😲
Really useful for the sanity (just listening to Freddie singing 'Love of my life') 🎧🎵.
I like this idea, thank you. Not really known where to share my thoughts - somehow documenting the little things I've noticed seems important, but I too find friends and family aren't the best audience as they assume I want sympathy or solutions. I also find writing difficult (not sure how much of it is having to wrestle with my phone's autocorrect, and how much is that I forget my thoughts before I've managed to type them out. I also can't spell any more, something I was always proud of. Anyway - good lord, that took long enough to get down - keep it up!!
go for it PurpleOverlord! the more the merrier i say! post away!
The noises of talking sound disruptive and upsetting! Cat mentioned tinnitus. Have you read about Misophonia? Check it out, I am not sure if it could apply...
You folks have probably realised how important routine is in our disorganised brains. Having a regular routine definitely works wonders for me. At the moment I'm in that tricky 'routine is changing for Good Reasons' phase. Hopefully I'm moving out of sitting at home doing nothing useful to me or anyone else, and moving into a period of therapy. The SCOPE message was that I shouldn't be looking for a new job right now, but rather figuring out what Purple v2 is capable of.
So, I'm planning to get off the sofa and out of the house more days a week. I've been doing volunteer work on Thursdays for a while, and I love it. Today I added an extra volunteer day. I'm tired now, but the good physical kind of tired, rather than exhausted brain.
Otherwise, apparently there's a local charity that offers horse riding therapy. Sounds amazing, so I'll look them up. And three days a week of useful therapy work sounds like enough for now. New things to be tried for good reasons. But that's gonna mess with routine for a while.
Impressive stuff going from sitting to doing all that. Hard work but rewarding. Most important to pace yourself more than ever to avoid burnout. When you volunteer are regular breaks available and taken? Changing routine takes time to adjust equilibrium. Well done.
Re horse riding, I never know with things like this - having been warned about getting a second concussion, when does that cease to be high risk? Although tbh I'm sure those things are so heavily supervised you're not going to be in any risk whatsoever (I've never fallen off a horse, but I've had plenty of trying to get them to stop eating :D). I guess I'm trying to work out when I can do similar things that *could* cause a concussion again (but never have so far), because I suspect they might actually be really good for getting my coordination back.
Re horse riding, I had several riding accidents when I was younger, including one head injury/mtbi (plus broken jaw) and another spine concussion - I used to ride racehorses but I was particularly unlucky, not every rider has so many accidents 🤦🏽♀️😊 I gave up working with horses after the last fall. The accident this time around that has caused the most impactful issues of my life was caused by slipping on a tiled kitchen floor 🤷🏽♀️
My point is that we are at risk anytime in my opinion. Of course, some activities are deemed higher risk but I know plenty of riders who haven’t had accidents, or hurt themselves if they have had. I mean, if I can injure myself just by washing up at a sink, can I give up washing up?? 😂 oh if only! People get hurt in the most simplest situations. I remember someone on here had a box land on their head when they were sorting through stuff. Not to make light of any of it but I suppose it comes down to personal experiences and viewpoints. At the riding therapy centre, they’ll be using very steady horses. Even if you only do groundwork with them, that is most definitely great therapy. Horses are incredible animals, not sure how much you know, but for those who might read this and not know much, they are truly mirrors of our true selves. As herd animals, they have intricate behavioural patterns that have evolved to keep them safe and close to their herd, so they will mirror your human behaviour : if you are angry even without knowing you are, they will react in a similar way, same as if you’re nervous or positive or sure of yourself. They are great therapists. And when you are sad, maybe without realising it, A lot of them will tune right into that if they are emotionally available to do that. Yes they are emotionally charged animals, all to do with keeping safe- fight or flight, and being part of the herd.
Sorry went off on one there!
Whatever you decide Purple, just cuddling with horses is great therapy 🥰
Hi Ideogram, I'm sorry your accident happened like that, it must be so challenging for you.
I realise my post probably makes me sound really gung-ho but in reality I'm not sure I think things through properly! I got my TBI from a slip-fall but ended up slipping on our very slippy deck when I insisted on jet-washing it a few months ago as I was so anxious about me or others falling. But I fell - the one thing I was trying to avoid happening to me or anyone else, based on my fear of what happened to me when I got my TBI!!! So despite trying to mitigate the risk, I still fell but thankfully didn't hit my head, just got bruising on my legs. I don't quite know what I'm saying here, other than I think it's important to assess any actions to mitigate the risks perhaps 🤔 I probably wasn't wearing the best boots for the job for a start and probably rushing.... hmm sorry went off again but just had this realisation. Another lesson learned that time, anyway!
(I don't have any horses to ride or be around at the moment sadly, hence why I'm waxing lyrical about them as I'd love to get back to them as they are lovely animals...)
I hope you find a way back to some of those activities you've not yet managed which might be beneficial for you, but go easy on yourself.
Thanks for the input, folks, all great stuff. Hopefully I'll have enough energy to respond soon, cos I've thought of a few good responses already! 😉
Today has been another busy day. I posted before about planned changes to my schedule. This week was kick-off, with an extra day of nature reserve volunteer work. So I was bound to be tired by Friday this week anyway. On today's to-do list was going to the Headway hub. It's a new hub and I haven't been for a couple of weeks. There aren't many people going yet, so I did want to go today to support the hub, even without much energy to chat. The problem was that I really needed some outdoor alone time too, and it a big struggle to prioritise.
In the end, I decided to make today the day of 'A little bit of everything' instead of deciding one or the other. I took my dog for a lovely walk through the woods in the sun. Not a long walk or a special one, just a quick stroll down the lane. But it was fantastic to be out.
Then off to the hub. That wasn't great, they've had to move to the town high street for a couple of weeks. So I had to find a new venue through the noise and bustle of the street. Then sit through, well, not much really because no one else was there. I arrived very late so couldn't stay for long, but I think it was worth popping in.
And what's my point for today? My current brain seems to have a tendency to blow everything up to the maximum possible proportions. Some of these big projects are great fun, so no need to cut them out. But sometimes, it's important to scale down to a smaller version just to get more useful stuff done.
I've already said that this past week has been busy. Today I've been absolutely out of charge. Weirdly, some issues/symptoms that have come back today are ones I haven't experienced for ages, so it's good news that the adaptations I was making are working. I know it will take a month or more to settle into my new routine, but I'm through the most difficult week. Things should be more simple tomorrow.
And it's great that I can still type thoughts here, even though I'm not able to hold a conversation today. Conversation is always the most difficult thing for me, having to constantly deal with new input and react.
Anyway, just checking in to make sure I can type. Maybe I'll be a writer again one day! 😉
Recently I've been watching a lot of TV programmes about addicts. And I guess in a way that's because I've found I have a lot in common with the people and scenes on the TV. I know nothing about real addiction, and I suspect the TV shows won't have got a lot of it right. But today, I feel I can explain a bit about how I'm feeling. The constant craving for something. But it's not a substance I crave, it's just a constant craving to tune my brain out and relax. When I wake up in the morning, it's a relief to be finished with my exhausting dream I was having, where some huge problem needed to be solved.
I'm sure you won't be surprised to hear it's often a dream about problems on a spaceship. Early in my recovery time, it was simple dreams, about being in primary school again. Then it moved on to dreams about doing various jobs I've had through my career. Sometimes I did the jobs in the jungle with aliens on the scene, but I always just had to get my job done. Now they're a little more abstract and random, but the main theme is always a huge problem I need to solve. I've certainly learned a lot about how our brains use dreams to sort through their files and fix any problems. Blurgh, over-complicated thoughts are tiring, and I'd be grateful if they could let me sleep in relaxed peace.
I've wandered away from the point. At the end of last year, I gave into a weird craving and found that it was very possible to relax my brain for a while. Intoxication worked for me. It's a weird method and certainly not an easy one to talk about here, for a huge amount of reasons. So, I'll stop and move on to the addiction similarities.
As I said, it's not a craving to use a substance. It's a craving to stop thinking. I'm looking into any and all methods to help here. My therapist has given me some music to listen to, which apparently adjusts your brainwaves to a more relaxed state. Not much luck so far, but I'll keep trying. Sometimes I just need to remind myself that the complicated thing I'm thinking about doesn't matter at all, so stop thinking about it. If I find anything that's street-legal and works for me, I'll pass on the news! But living in my noisy, overcrowded, street scene is my worst nightmare. It's absolutely awful, I hate it and I need relied. I need to be able to feel something of what living in my brain was like. There were birds singing, the sky was amazing colours, the flowers were blooming and I could just walk alone in nature for endless hours. While doing my wonderful job, helping to saving the environment, teaching martial arts, riding my bike (out in nature) for hours. I loved my old brain. Mostly I try not to remember it now, it might never come back, so it's much more useful to look around for ways to make it slightly less horrible to live in. Every morning I wake up and look around for some way to make it bearable to live in the grey city. Right now, there's a substance that makes it more bearable. But every day I'm trying new things and looking for new answers. I'll find a better method soon.
Today marks three days that I have been trying out using CBD instead of cannabis with THC. I've just melted down entirely, yelled at my gorgeous husband who has carried me so carefully for the past two years and screamed into my pillow. I've downed half a bottle of wine and ordered more cannabis. Apparently my current life is utterly unbearable unless I'm intoxicated.
Now I can hear my kid giving the punchbag in the garage a good wallop. Maybe I should have tried that instead of freaking out earlier. Ah well, I've just got the whole family stressed and worried on a Friday night, which is supposed to be pizza and movie night. Hubby and I have been making pizza on Friday night for pretty much as long as we've known each other. Oh well, it's fun alone here in the bedroom too.
Just read this. Fwiw I can totally understand the desire for a stiff drink though not recommended (I am living alternating between missing alcohol and missing coffee). This has made me think that maybe I should get into some nice, healthy outlets. Perhaps axe throwing?
Late reading this, but I love your reply! My healthy outlet is punching people. I had a great partner at boxercise last night. We enthusiastically punched each other's pads very hard, and in time to the music. 🤣
I haven't considered axes before, but they sound therapeutic too.
Perhaps find a meditation app that you can use to escape from life for a while P. I can get the escape you describe by using something like the Headspace app to zone out- potentially less problematic..
This is the third time today that I've started posting on here but forgotten what I wanted to say. Luckily, as I was about to give up again, I thought to myself, "Don't worry Purple, no need to post, it's your day off". And that, my friends, is what I wanted to post about!
At the moment, I'm on a careful journey to building some structure and useful form into my life. A fair bit involves getting out of the house more often and interacting with people who don't live in my house. Interacting with 'normobrains'. The journey is going well so far, even when things don't work out, that's just another useful lesson learned. But it's tiring work. I haven't had the time or energy to post here for ages.
The reason I'm here today is that I'm having a day off that I desperately needed. A whole day of refusing to consider anyone's wants/needs except my own. And refusing to consider my own to-do list because it's my day off.
Normobrains seem to be incredibly busy. They have so many things to do, even on their days off. Phone calls, shopping trips, outings, gatherings, fixing the curtains. I have no idea how I used to manage that, plus job, without collapsing in a heap by Monday morning.
This week I had a good chat with my therapist about rest. Like sports folk who need a rest day to let their muscles recover and get stronger, we need to give our brains a rest day to let our neural pathways recover this week's work and get stronger. She told me that brains can even shut down bodies when they need rest. People with burnout are crashed on the sofa with no energy because the brain needs a break.
But that's away from my main point. I told my husband this morning that I needed a day off, and would prefer to avoid conversation wherever possible. He's the best bloke ever, so he agreed, and today we've just smiled and squeezed each other's butts instead of talking. And he bought me choc chip cookies.
Weird how I can post a long essay here on a day where I struggle to to speak to humans. I can chat to the dog and the cats, because the conversation only goes one way. Same with writing, or not-too-complicated thinking. Interacting live with people is difficult, because you have to manage two directions. You have to take in what they're saying, process it, and then respond instantly. So I guess it's not surprising that so much more brain energy is needed.
My initial plans for today were to re-purple my hair and get some exercise, as well as taking my dog for a long walk. Well, turns out I needed less than that. So I have lounged on the sofa with my earphones on, with not-purple hair, watching rubbish TV. Elder Teen joined the dog and I for our walk, it was lovely to look at nature and relax. But it was raining, so not a long walk.
Okay, I think that's enough. At 6 pm I finally remembered what I've wanted to say here all day, and I have said it. It's been a glorious rest day, I will make sure I keep taking them.
(I've just stopped reading through my post to make sure it's okay. I spotted a couple of errors but decided not to correct them. Then I managed to stop reading/evaluating/copyediting before I got to the end. It's my day off!)
Today everything feels somehow wrong. Just weird and uncomfortable. So I'm hiding in room avoiding everyone and everything. My earphones are on so I don't need to listen to my teens squeak loudly at each other or my neighbours mow the lawn. Queen are singing "Love of my Life" to me, which is much nicer.
Yesterday I fell asleep mid-afternoon and didn't wake up until mid-morning today. Just absolutely exhausted.
Dunno if it's the changing season, the long weekend affecting my routine or just an overdose of chocolate. But I don't like it.
I've been quiet for a few days, just no urge to write anything. But I posted yesterday, and I'm back today. Urgh, I love my husband and my kids, but I really want to be alone for a while. To only have to think about myself without having to take their wants/needs into the equation. The kitchen needs cleaning, the laundry needs sorting. Husband has taken on the important tasks of the day: driving Child 1 to their new job, getting my broken car booked in at the garage. Fitting the jobs around a full-time job.
I got out of bed, got dressed and ate breakfast.
I desperately want to take my bike out today, hope the weather holds. On my bike, I just pedal along happily, looking at the gorgeous nature and listening to music. Such a great detachment from domestic nonsense.
But first, gonna clean up the kitchen. With headphones on, cos husband is having a noisy phone conversation with the garage.
As usual, I've been wanting to post here for days, but not at all sure what to say. I've noticed recently that I want to post on social media or on here quite often. And I think it's just because I'm lonely and want to chat to someone. I've never been a social person anyway, but now that I sit at home 90% of the time and don't work any more, it's far worse.
Purple v1's job was a medical writer. All scientific and technical stuff that had to be 100% correct and accurate. And spelled correctly too. Given how many of us on here struggle with words, I'm sure you can all understand why Purple v2 hasn't been able to return to work, and probably never will.
I've wandered off from my main point... Does anyone else find speaking to people is the most difficult thing to do now? I think it's because you have to listen, interpret the input and respond immediately. So it can be very tiring. Writing on here is much more relaxing. No time pressure, and mistakes are completely understandable.
Probably a good idea for me to practice social interaction more often. I've definitely been lazy the last few weeks. Great to have you folks to write to though. Thank you!
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adjusting to a new way of life
Cranioplasty tomorrow 
anyone heard of this?
Feeling alone with just my thoughts
This... is me.
