Stroke

[fratellis]

Hello

I am new on here. My husband had a massive stoke in March 2021 and only came home permenantly this January. He was a very able man and could fix and mend anything and now his speech isnt good and he cant use his right arm.

He still thinks he can do what he did before and is becoming more angry now that he is finding he cant. His temper is bad and he is getting more aggresive .

Does anyone else have the same problems as me , and if so any tips on how to deal/cope ?

Thank you

[AndrewT]

Dear fratellis,

I am a Stroke Survivor (several 'they' tell me) and I absolutely Promise, to reply Tomorrow (Later)- I only just 'Found' your Post..... it's 12:35 am!

'Talk' to you soon, my friend.

AndrewT

[teresa12]

Good morning Welcome to the group

My hubby had a massive stroke 2020 Christmas eve

His left side was affected

He use be able to do everything very active worked long hours

Now he bedbound

Mood swings he accused me of all sorts from stealing,poison him ,

Some days he so loving

I don't know the answers I thought I would just simply say you not alone

It hard carer for you love one it draining some time I could kill him cause im so bloody tired with working and looking after him and then sometimes I feel for him such a lonely life he leads now rely on carers and his wife to do everything

Hang in there 🙏 you doing amazing job and he do thank you for all the carer and love you still have for him even if half time they don't bloody show it

[Teazymaid]

hi and welcome to this group … I had an accident which caused my head injury .. but some of the issues / difficulties I has were very similar to that of a stroke . My speech wasn’t good and I had a stammer ans unable to find the words . This ha improved considerably in the last year and I just struggled finding some words ( worse if I’m tired or stressed) . The stammer has all but gone ..

anger was through the roof being unable to do pretty much anything that I needed to do including dressing .. they say that head injuries cause aggression and mine was though the roof …

I have improved more Thani ever thought I would and I also do volunteer work with the stroke befriending group mainly with pet with speech issues … I have also seen in these clients a improvement .. I think it’s just keep working at it speak as often as you can and others around you have the patience to not but in ( unless asked to ) and wait for you to reply .. ( I also had plenty of times that people would walk away or answer for me ) . Also singing is brilliant ….

Anger again needs to be talked about .. explaining how you feel and also your husband .. it’s tuff but you can get there

Let your husband try doing the thing s he wants to do even if it fails .. and don’t give up as he may improve where you all never think is possible at the mo .. time however long or short and trying was for me the only way forward so you can achieve something even if that is only being able to make yourself a cup of coffee ..sue x

[pinkspaniel123]

I had a stroke in 1994 shortly after childbirth and lost the use of my left arm and couldn't walk for several months. I won't sugar coat this but it's been very tough. Sheer determination is the only way forwards. I used to get pretty angry too which is basically frustration. And I still get angry at times now too from pure frustration at finding even the simplest task challenging. It has changed my life enormously but you learn to live with it - I survived where I know many others didn't. I am fiercely independent so having to rely on my husband or others is very tough but that's my life now although I do a lot myself and am very tired all the time. Fatigue is an enduring side effect of a stroke unfortunately. I think your husband ( or you, on his behalf,) would do well to contact the Stroke Association to ask about support groups, equipment and possibly counselling if he is willing to talk to someone about it. I had no help from The Stroke Association when I had my stroke but I think they might provide a better service now. Fingers crossed. You can always talk to your doctor about support groups, equipment and counselling. Forums like this one were not around when I had my stroke so apart from support from family and friends it was a lonely and challenging time. Acceptance is very tough but talking to others in a similar situation should definitely help. I hope your husband will go for counselling and find a support group. I wish you both well and feel free to contact me if I can help any further. Wishing you both well.

[cat3]

Hi Fratellis. There's no 'One-fits-all' answer to this as you'll know, and strategies to address the brain-chaos after brain injury will be unique to each survivor, but still mainly trial & error.

11 years on from a haemorrhage, I still rage at my clumsiness and poor word recall although the growling and swearing is always directed inward. But I know how anger in any form can be unsettling and wearing for others in the same household.

If I feel my temper rising (from some mishap or other) when someone's around I've learned to drop everything and walk away 'til I've cooled off and remember it achieves nothing.

I can only speak from my own perspective, and what calms me most is empathy. Sympathy only confirms my inadequacies and taking over a task for me makes me feel like a child. But words such as "Can I help ?" or even a comical remark can diffuse the situation.

I'm guessing you've talked with your husband about his anger and its negative effects ? Maybe an anger management therapist could help him with management strategies suited to him personally, and with a more realistic approach to daily life. Has your husband received any form of support since January ?

Cat x

[Life-Goes-On-2021]

Hi Fratellis, there’s lots of good pointers and personal opinions shared already - I feel I am reiterating things! As already mentioned the anger is generally due to frustration, but the BI itself means there is probably less ‘good’ function to process and express / diffuse it currently. Hopefully it will improve as the brain relearns, but it takes time and determination as well as patience-adding to the frustration! I have a great family helping me unpick things and understand myself, but if you don’t have such support then (as already mentioned too), the option of support groups and counselling sounds a very good option . Even if your husband isn’t open to it yet, it may help you in the process as the burdens on those around us in our progression can be huge. This in itself can just add to the guilt and shame, so seeing you getting support can be helpful too.

Somebody also made the point that they feel irritated by people finishing their sentences or taking over the tasks rather than giving the space to try and allow the ‘slowness’, or ask rather than butt in. This is definitely a trigger for me and even well meaning friends and family can end up irritating me! I realise it comes from a good place generally but from the point of view of the BI person it can seem patronising and hurtful, so adding up until explosion point ( usually at those closest) - I’ve been there! It’s hard to know how to tackle others, but if you notice a particular situation that triggers, maybe you can talk to the people concerned so they get his perspective and don’t assume. It’s so hard as some just don’t have the empathy to see their part. I have had to ‘limit my exposure’ to those!

It’s definitely a long and isolating path for all, but support groups really help, and time. Hugs x

[Writeronstack]

It takes time to adjust to the new person that you are after the brian is injured - that is your husband's position. Dealing with the resulting anger is your problem. What an aweful time you are having - its a measure of how much you love this person. You have got to believe that it is temporary and will improve.

Now - anger. I get angry too. Even before the TBI, actually. Frustration can be handled in all sorts of ways - and anger takes the least effort to do.

One day, I was told that 'Anger' is actually a chemical reaction, and can be measured - if you do, you see that upturned witch's hat shape - you can apparently watch it rise, peak, and then fall away.

This came as a sort of 'aha' moment for me. Instead of being frightened of it, it made me curious.

So I asked who can watch it - the person who is getting angry can, inwardly, the best. Little by little, the person closest to the angry person can too.

It is a bit of a journey, and you need to take it. I came to one conclusion - If you name it, it helps. That's all I can say. If your husband can name it, and he's observant enough to see it coming, he's licked it.

Not that this is a solution for you. That will be stroke rehab, and lots of it.

I hope you are getting lots of support on exercises and so forth. This seemed to be the obvious place to start reading: More specific things will be set by those who assess your husband.

nhs.uk/conditions/stroke/re...

This is the starter website, as I am sure you know.

I used to live in London in a flat next to the Aphasia charity. They used to encourage singing, and some of their patients who were not able to speak, could sing what they needed to say. Sometimes this was really funny. I wonder if anyone has mentioned this to you. They moved after a bit, but I could see a wide range of services being provided. The Stroke association used to be the common factor in most of these contracts. I am sure you have talked to them as well. Here is their site.

stroke.org.uk/effects-of-st...

If you have a job and are holding it all together by yourself, then the Lord only knows when you will get a chance to do any of it. But well done for getting on this site. Talk to Headway as well, they have all been there and done that.

No, you aren't the only one. Really.

Assume a large collective hug.