regrets : today I wake with regrets, I wondered how... - Headway

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regrets

Jowood29 profile image
32 Replies

today I wake with regrets, I wondered how you folk cope. I went to a friends bbq, lots going on, conversations in a large group sat round, banter, kids playing table tennis, a dog running about, smoky fire pit going, music. Now I know all this is sensory overload and causes fatigue, but I’ve been awake several times through the night with anxiety and regrets over my contribution to conversations, the banter , was I making sense? Was I rude ? Did I follow the conversation correctly? Am I stupid? Did I make sense? Was I inappropriate? To the point I sent an apology in a text to my sister who was there, apologising for a comment in jest about her going to uni and I didn’t, as our parents could afford to support her and now she has a great career , it was laughed off and banter was given back about my choices and getting married etc.

I have been going over my conversations and responses all night, so many regrets about going out, I should have stayed at home, today I am tired and feel low, I should be meeting a friend for coffee who I’ve not seen for months and feeling like cancelling. Do you this ? Going over things , regrets, analysing your dysfunction?

Today feels 😕

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Jowood29 profile image
Jowood29
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32 Replies
Pairofboots profile image
Pairofboots

Hi Jo, you shouldn't stay home in case, what if etc. What has happened, could happen in the future can't dictate how you live in the now. Friends and family come and go over the years. Generally we try not to offend, but inevitably we do at some point or another. We can't be blasé how we impact on others, but also we can't be overly self critical of ourselves or we wouldn't do anything. Apologise when required, don't dwell on what if, or what was, there are more important things to contemplate. 🍀

Jowood29 profile image
Jowood29 in reply to Pairofboots

Thanks Pairofboots , I will take this onboard . Appreciate your reply

Lite75 profile image
Lite75

Hi Jowood29

If it’s any comfort I do this all the time when I’ve been out with friends-try not to beat yourself up.

I went on a weekend with friends, got to the stage I thought I was going to have a seizure as all the laughter and banter kept becoming louder in my head-it’s horrible isn’t it.? Some in our Group had gone out together but it was very windy and I was advised not to go as my balance is all over the place-I’ve always been a keen walker so, although the friend-who’s a Physo-was right, .I should have gone to my room and had some space away from people, but don’t like to be give and in and push my brain too hard. My brain injury was 12 years ago so you’d think that I should have known better…!

I totally understand what you were saying and I empathise with you.

I still have many days when I think ‘what’s the point’ when all the things I used to be able to do have been taken away.

I know that I should be thankful that I recovered as well as I have from a very near miss.

I won’t say the very annoying thing like, ‘head up-it could’ve been worse’-I feel hitting those ‘well meaning’ folk when they say, ‘Oh you know how you feel because I’m like that’ when they haven’t a clue about brain injury, but you have to bite your tongue and smile….I didn’t know anything about it until it happened

With my thoughts and best wishes

Lite75

Jowood29 profile image
Jowood29 in reply to Lite75

Thanks so much, I’m very much like you, trying to push it a bit more. I think well it’ll be ok this time, I’m doing better, I’ll manage. But then I feel I overstep again and I’m analysing it all with regrets. Maybe others don’t really notice us and wether we did or said something dysfunctional, because everybody says things out of line at times. But for me I feel I’m trying so hard, it’s apparent that I’m not the person I used to be. And it’s back to the acceptance that life is different. Thanks for sharing your story, I very much appreciate it.

Seamus1967 profile image
Seamus1967

Hi Jowood29,

I go through very similar thoughts and feelings.

Where I am now is that I avoid the banter like the plague. If I try it either comes across as offensive or I spend days worring I've offended. Even if people tell me I haven’t, I think they're just being nice.

I know if there's too much going on I'm much more likely to do daft things or say daft things. I'm in the process of learning (or trying to learn) that the fatigue is a huge thing and can be dangerous (crossing the road without looking , leaving cash in the cashpoint machine, getting on the wrong train etc).

I've just been to see my beloved Celtic football club in Glasgow. I lost my phone (an angel caught up with me and gave it back) and a rucksack. I booked the hotel for the wrong days, almost walked into a pub that I as a Celtic supporter I really shouldn't been anywhere near. And I was born in that city.

I'm at the point now where I won't be doing that again unless I have someone else with me. I've also decided not to speak to people unless it's very necessary and I'm going to avoid socialising as much as possible.

Perhaps not the best thing to do but that's where I am.

Sorry I can't give you positive advice, my post is more to let you know you're not on your own.

Jim

Jowood29 profile image
Jowood29 in reply to Seamus1967

thanks so much for sharing your experience. It does make a difference to know I’m not alone. I suppose it’s best to stick to small number of people for me, anymore than 4 and it’s challenging to make right reactions and conversation. I hate being controlled by this dysfunctional brain. I used to be very sociable . I very much appreciate your honesty and reply.

beattiebill profile image
beattiebill in reply to Seamus1967

Hail Hail SeamusYNWA

Seamus1967 profile image
Seamus1967 in reply to beattiebill

Hail Hail Beattiebill! We never stop!

Jonty77 profile image
Jonty77

I totally understand this. What makes it doubly hard is that this is the stuff people don’t see and don’t get. People think it’s great you went to a party and were chatting and everything and think you’re doing fine, but they don’t see what it costs. I’m often asking my partner was I alright, did I offend anyone, are people upset with me?

I guess it’s useful to just find out and make a repair if necessary.

Hang in there, we get it.

Jowood29 profile image
Jowood29 in reply to Jonty77

thanks Jonty 77

I’m glad I’m not alone with this overthinking and regrets. I appreciate your advice. Onwards and upwards.

Leaf100 profile image
Leaf100

HI JowoodHaving the feelings of discomfort and that I just don't fit is the usual for me.

I practise by doing little chit chats with the cashier at the grocery store and that sort of thing.

The people I used to know more or less have drifted away and at some point I will have to join some clubs or something... to make new friends... at some point. I am told it is actually easier when people only know the you now, as they don't compare or have any baggage.

I am wondering if Headway has info to offer?

Leaf

Jowood29 profile image
Jowood29 in reply to Leaf100

hi leaf, do you go to a headway group? I’ve started going to the one in next town, they are a very welcoming group, all different brain injuries, so different abilities too. It’s once a month and a good place to go, where you are accepted with no expectations to ‘fit in’, by those attending and myself. It’s also a reminder of how far I’ve come, as each person is at a different stage in recovering, you can share experiences. But it’s the busy world we live in everyday that’s the hardest. I like idea of doing small conversations at checkout. Good advice. Thanks

Leaf100 profile image
Leaf100 in reply to Jowood29

I am glad you are going. I live in Canada and so there is a brai injury association that isnt headway - every region has their own. We do have a brain injury association though. I do a zoom program on coping strategies these days, which is a drop in.. Some groups are better than others . The one I am in now isn't really working . It doesn't have an inclusive vibe. I mention it because if some one does try a group and it doesn't work, the next one might. And, if all you do is sit and listen to the info part you will still get something out of it.

Jpdee75 profile image
Jpdee75

I do this every time I socialise at some sort of event and that bbq sounds full on. I question myself a lot

skydivesurvivor profile image
skydivesurvivor

hi! Am She’ll, suffered a TBI in 2000. Loads of change over the years since, now nothing to do, get out of bed for!! Bro took me to see councillors, memory clinic and stuff. DHS now aware of my cituation, have nothing to make me leave my flat, other than my veg plat in garden. Have someone coming today. A support worker or something. In desperate need of a life?!! A purpose!!

Percylovesbees profile image
Percylovesbees

totally with you on what you’ve written about the self- punishing pulling apart of all I do and say. I can never remember things properly if at all and that experience of not remembering just adds to the feeling of being lost in the world with no real control. It’s so good to let that out and talk about it. Easier said than done tho and you can’t keep talking about it every day. It’s like being stuck in an awful loop of trying hard to get out there and live, struggling to deal with conversation, loud noises, nuanced conversations, judgemental attitudes and not really being able to have any control on it. I’m really tired and kind of lose steam when writing it out because it takes it out of me. That in itself feels ridiculous and a stupid statement but it’s real.

I think sometimes it’s ok not to get out there and sometimes it isn’t. It’s not cut and dried. We need to live in the world but we also need protection from it and time to recharge. It’s hard to accept that this is how it is now but much easier to be kind to ourselves and recognise how difficult it is and how we’re doing our best and that’s enough. That’s ok. We are ok. We are experiencing difficulty every day and that in itself makes us reluctant warriors in everyday life. We don’t need the added self critical analysis of things we’ve said or done. Doing that diverts our resources to unhelpful things and away from what we’re doing.

We need to cut ourselves some slack, be kind and caring to ourselves and look after our mental health in addition to our injured brains.

I very much need to listen to my own advice but also don’t seem able to do that. It’s so good you posted this. Thank you and hoping the punishing and critical self evaluation stops and you can enjoy a really beautiful day 😊

Jowood29 profile image
Jowood29 in reply to Percylovesbees

Kindred spirits, I think here, you’ve written how I feel. Thanks

Teazymaid profile image
Teazymaid

hi all sounds very familiar and I avoided big groups of people for a long time .. I’m two years past my accident and am still improving . Speech is amazingly better , word finding is difficult and the more conversations/ noises from others makes my word finding even harder .. I always let people know why different with my speech when it was bad so they where aware of the the head injuries ( still didn’t really has a clue what it is actually like ) but I felt better that they knew I could be different than I was before TBI

I have improved so much but everything you have said I have done .. said the wrong thing or not communicated at all .. been very blunt and even rude 🫤 … but keep going keep apologising if you need to and let people know why it is so difficult at times with a head injury ..

and to mix this all in with the menopause ( that’s. A nightmare without a head injury 😁) I’m not surprised at how your feeling but it really IS ok .. you did a great job just going there and others around you will understand and if they don’t let them know why /what it is like with a head injury and if they still don’t understand then it’s their problem not yours .. I hope you don’t feel alone as I’m a very different person with the menopause in the sidecar 😁 my family have found what I say a great deal of laughter and that’s great for me … sue x

Jowood29 profile image
Jowood29 in reply to Teazymaid

thanks for replying Sue, I’m also juggling the menopause 🤦‍♀️, family don’t mind at all, with the no filter comments and I can cope just about with my dysfunction with them. But I have times with others of thinking ‘ I just don’t fit in anymore’. It can be a lonely place living with this brain. Thanks for your encouragement, it’s appreciated

Teazymaid profile image
Teazymaid in reply to Jowood29

yes it can be very lonely .. before my accident I thought I had quite a few friends some closer than others but two came two or three times in 2 years and sent messages another popped in a couple times a month depending on her work ans one came every week because she worked nights ans most times she took me out for a coffee and cake … so all the others didn’t bother at all . So yes plenty of so called friends did nothing and yes family thought I didn’t want them as I was not the nicest person with the filter completely removed and only one leg wasn’t damaged 😁 so I have learnt to love the people who actually care about me ❤️ beat lesson I’ve learnt in a very long time as I was always the rescuer and when I vanished so did the people who I thought were friends … be kind to yourself and if others don’t get the new you then it’s there loss .. sue x

sashaming1 profile image
sashaming1

If you had a trusted friend there who would be honest with you, you could ask them what they thought of your performance questions. This could put you at ease.

lcd8 profile image
lcd8

Hi there. So sorry to hear you are having these thoughts. But I do understand where you're coming from. I worry about stuff like this too and am very critical of myself. In the past it has made me feel very unconfident and shy in social situations. I was born with my BI so I've always been the same. I do feel it holds me back though. I guess all you can do is try not to be too harsh on yourself. Take things as they come and don't let fear of saying the wrong thing stop you enjoying life.

Wolfie04 profile image
Wolfie04

I’ve been accused repeatedly of overthinking things. Brain injury seems to make me feel insignificant, invisible, embarrassed even.

If you have a good supportive relationship with your family then I’d think they know how you feel. It’s difficult to live with what we’re left with but choose your social life depending on how you’re feeling on the day. Your people will always understand.

Try not to be hard on yourself. I’m typing this thinking I should be doing my own advice.

Low days seem something we have now. Embrace the good days though.

☺️

Jowood29 profile image
Jowood29 in reply to Wolfie04

embrace the good days! Great advice !

Leiabug profile image
Leiabug

Hi Jo, first of all your not alone, my 19 yr old son has his accident almost 2 years ago. He has just been to his first music festival and on day 3 he was so fatigued that his friend said he started to see that he started to get irritable, my son suffered multiple bleeds on the brain and frontal lobe damage, his fight and flight kicks in and luckily his best friend said we're leaving and calmed him down, it's hard when you think you've said the wrong thing and worry about your comments, but hey your human and living with a brain injury is not easy, my son just makes jokes etc. Don't beat yourself up and i hope you went for that coffee Take care

Sarah x

Jowood29 profile image
Jowood29 in reply to Leiabug

thanks for your reply Sarah, I hope your son is doing well. A festival? Wow that’s a very busy venue, I can imagine that his brain got overwhelmed and fatigued easily with so much information to process, glad to hear he isn’t put off going out.

I did go for that coffee and my friend did me good. I appreciate your reply

Bards profile image
Bards

Yes - very familiar, though I’ve got better at dealing with it… Self-awareness is of course a good thing, but excessive internal critiquing isn’t good for anyone, becomes a white noise of self-doubt which drowns out constructive thoughts. And feeds into the Brain Fatigue we’re supposed to manage - ‘We’ don’t have the spare capacity to afford ourselves much negativity.

I’m not great at following ‘programs’ or whatever, but do find some mindful breathing or exercise helps get me back to a calmer centre.

Don’t despair.

Jowood29 profile image
Jowood29 in reply to Bards

thanks Bards, you are so right about self awareness, and I am probably too hard on myself, maybe when it’s all too much we become more critical of ourselves? Though when having an episode of fatigue and feeling awful, it all is more heightened how dysfunctional I am. Thanks for reminding me about breathing, mindfulness and bringing some calmness back to the situation. I appreciate your reply

Creativity8 profile image
Creativity8

Hi Jowood29,

Firstly, well done for your night out! Very challenging environment indeed. Plus 4 hours awake, not surprised you were tied.

As for the going over things and worrying, I was like that before my head injury. The truth is you will never know what people have thought unless you ask them. Post head injury, I’ve hated the times I’ve tried to talk and; the words won’t come out, I was slow, couldn’t make sense etc but people were kind and patient as they could see I was struggling. Things have improved and I have days where I want to crawl under a rock , imagining I’ve offended. I have fantasised about never socialising again but I know that wouldn’t be the solution because I like being with people more.

I have learned that anxiety hits the more tied I am. I’ve learned the more tied I am, the less …….arg, can’t find the words……….the less regulated my emotions and that my worries may not even really be real, by real I mean they are feelings that are exaggerated and not justified. I have found acknowledging this means I accept the anxiety but don’t fuel it with worry and in the morning I wonder what I feel better and at times even wonder what I was worrying about. If the worry however persists, then it’s time for action.

I recently went through a phase where I was over thinking my texts and started deleting messages before they could be read. My daughters response was “Aw, mum”. This response is a mixture of sympathy and don’t be daft. It’s followed by a little period of vigilance on her part to spot repeated episodes and gently tease me out of them before they take hold.

Truth is, brain injuries or not, we will go through many changes, feel many anxieties. You could do worse than share your concerns and ask for some honest feedback. Good luck and hope you have many more enjoyable days out to look forward to.

Jowood29 profile image
Jowood29 in reply to Creativity8

Hey thanks for your reply, your words ring so true with me, that endless tormenting myself and becoming more anxious , fatigued, then more regrets and I’ve dug s hole and jumped in it !

I did speak to a friend later in the day, who said the same as your daughter, but then I doubted her, because ‘she was just being kind’, but my husband said, I do tend to overthink situations and what I say,, I suppose the perfectionist in me, still is striving to be ‘normal’ is even more heightened since the brain surgery.

Thanks for your encouragement, I appreciate it

TheirMema profile image
TheirMema

My husband does this all the time. I usually tell him not to worry as anybody that knows and cares for him know and yes, sometimes he does say the wrong thing at the wrong time but if he does.... tough luck if they don't like it!

I am positive your sister was in no way upset by what you said. She knows your problems and will not hold it against you in any way. Think of her as your safe place. She invited you to the BBQ, she cares about you and is not bothered by the little slip ups that will inevitably happen. I am the same with my husband, he makes mistakes but none of it is his fault or intentional.

Allow yourself the time to analyse the things that were said without beating yourself up about it. Be gentle with yourself. Plan ahead to have time to get over that time spent with others. It is exhausting for you, you are allowed to get over it in your own time.

Jowood29 profile image
Jowood29 in reply to TheirMema

thanks for replying, oh how lovely you are about your husband. I think that’s great you have his back like that. It makes a massive difference to have your partner cheer you on.

I will take on your advice about planning ahead and rest to get over time spent with others.

I appreciate your reply

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