My husband suffered a severe tbi in April 2024 after a motorbike accident which wasn't his fault.Today seems a particularly challenging day, how do we both learn to accept our new normal? He's done amazingly well physically but I definitely think he's struggling mentally.
How did yourself, your partner or family move forward from this?
Some days feel very alone, like no one really understands unless your living it.
Hi LoveRunning,
Recently I encountered a quote by James Conrad from his book, Lord Jim.
"A man that is born falls into a dream like a man who falls into the sea. If he tries to climb out into the air as inexperienced people endeavor to do, he drowns. The way is to the destructive element submit yourself, and with the exertions of your hands and feet in the water make the deep, deep sea keep you up … In the destructive element immerse.”
Despite the contortions of the sentences, it spoke to me. Previously I have viewed active fighting against challenges as a key life skill. This quote made me think more about the fact that there are unique rewards that can come from embracing and even yielding, rather than confronting, a challenge. My husband has a progressive fatal condition. Embracing rather than accepting the new normal has allowed us to find the parts of that 'deep sea' that are opportunities for new life patterns that have filled us with joy for many years that might otherwise have been filled with regret or resentment of the progressive decline.
A few examples. I don't know if the mental struggle you describe is emotional or a difficulty with some types of mental processing. Take whatever he likes and whatever he can do, and work together to make those a frequent part of his life. Rejoice in and express gratitude for everything that he can do and that you can do together. Fill his viewing with positive shows, movies, documentaries that reinforce love and noble struggle. Smoothly compensate for his disabilities. Do whatever level of exercise he can do. Use music to set or raise the mood: Pandora is our best friend.
Wishing you all the best.
spent month in an induced coma after mine. Sorry to sound bad, divorced hubby for abandonment, lost my social group, only family that stayed in contact mum & dad who I supported through their demise. Now bro has power of attorney, siblings fell out over inheritance. Had day centre, closed. Still struggling after 24yeara!! Hope your path goes better! Good luck!! This site is a life saver, hope y find support here!
Though 24 years years 😢 but this site is definitely a life saver ❤️
Hi!
I have no advice but just came to say my husband and I are in a very similar position (he’s recovering from an ABI) so you’re not alone at all.
Physically he’s okay, apart from an unrelated dodgy hip, but mentally - it’s a battle for him (and in turn, me!) everyday. He’s had about 4 different personalities since his discharge from hospital, none of them much resembling the old him and the new one being the most challenging.
All I will say is make time for yourself if you can, it does make the world of difference!
Take care x
This sounds pretty similar to my husband, physically you wouldn't know what he's been through. But mentally some days I'm unsure what husband is going to wake up. It's the hidden disability.We've had various different personalities too and traits he never did before. I see glimmers of the old him, some days are more tricky than others.
Thank you for replying 😊 x
I’m 4 years next week past my accident and still learning .. I have gone from I will win no matter what, denial , operations, fighting pain, anger( thought the roof) but the last 12 months have been a very difficult time of trying to understand, paying private for help to allow me to understand and no longer in denial .. my husband has been though all of this including me throwing chairs , hitting tables , screaming ……. It has been hell and we have done 6 months counselling which has helped us both learn and develop a better way forward .. I very much hope this doesn’t sound just negative as it is four years , I’m no longer in denial ( that’s possible the biggest thing) our marriage is better than it has been for the last 4 years , and I’ve recently started using the App for meditation which is amazing to actually find the OFF SWITCH which I desperately needed and didn’t know how to find it .. .. Sue 🙂
Glad the counselling helped, Teazymaid. We probably need counselling too - but we are rubbing along. Some days better than others. . . . some days me being really unreasonable, and him getting upset. So good that you have found the OFF SWITCH. Does your app keep count of how many minutes you sat? I found one which did, and I sometimes look at the cumulative total, which shows me I am progressing. Slowly, but progressing.
Yes, this platform is an absolute lifeline.
It’s headspace I’m using and yes it keeps track of the minutes I have used it
All I can say is - you are not alone. I was the one with the bang on the head. My husband sometimes feels really isolated. Like nobody knows what he has to put up with.
I do, really, because in the sane moments I tell myself, he's right - I was being unreasonable, and really unkind. There are no moments to tell him so - maybe I will make time to do that.
There are people here all the time. Please, please don't sit there on your own. Any question, look at threads on the same subject. Or any need to see responses, just write on this platform - someone will be here. Talk to headway. Talk.
Organise some counselling - take up meditation. Just suggested things which might help. But most importantly, assume a large, collective hug. That was from us.
I could have written this myself, unless your living with it and in the situation you really don't know what it's like.Sometimes feel like he's trying to protect me from the injury but we're in this together.
I'm having trauma counselling at the moment, trying to encourage him to have some too as think it could be ptsd too.
Thank you for replying x
PTSD is the hardest thing to live with. I have done that. Keep trying, and try every way - the breakthrough will come when you succeed. I have seen two things succeed.
1) Tell him that it is not mumbo jumbo - it is a kind of aid to 'self-training' which improves self reliance, and helps you move into a more constructive frame of mind.
2) Tell him that if he does go and it doesn't work despite him doing everything they asked him to do - there are exercises - then we can all agree that you were right to object.
This was something I had to use.
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