Social anxiety and irritation before going out

[Charente]

My partner had a TBI in 2018 , a bike accident . He has recovered well after a lot of rehab and care and love . He has L sided weakness, poor balance and a stiff gait. Good communication skills and speech. He has repassed his driving test and is a good driver but tires easily resulting in debilitating headaches if overdoing things. Short local trips are no problem.

He’s never been a great one for socialising but now has great anxiety before going out. A trip to the seaside or park results in stomach pain, irritable bowel and us often arriving at our destination, searching for the toilet, visiting a few toilets and then going home on a bad day. On a good day we can manage a coffee , sightseeing, shopping and a pleasant walk.

First visits are the worst time for high anxiety and toilet visits. Convinced he ll have diarrhoea. The worry is greater than the reality. I have an emergency bag I made up about a year ago and carry with me with spare pants, wet wipes etc and as yet it has never been needed. The anxiety also manifests in the car journey when he becomes agitated, angry and irritable on the way. First visits are the worst with me having to “battle plan” in advance to ensure a stress free journey. Ie ….locating toilets in advance, via Google earth, journey plan , disabled parking etc.

At home his bowel habits are normal and tummy problems are non existent. Once he gets over the anxiety, he enjoys the visits very much, but it’s repeated all over again on next visit. We both agree it’s good for his health, fitness and mental stimulation to go out. We re lucky enough to have a car and visit coffee shops , cafes and parks etc. He chats to people and loves people watching.

He makes so many excuses not to go, I sometimes think I should just give up and let him stay home, watch TV and read etc., but think it’s good / healthy to go out especially as he loves it when he’s there and settled.

Has anyone else experienced this and any tips for coping? Or should I just give up ? And go out on my own.?

Thanks for listening

[paxo05]

Hi, Yes I know how he feels. Anxiety over new places is a big problem. My rta was in 1999, and although the anxiety is still there dealing with it does get better.

Planning my diet prior to traveling helps, keep away from foods that may make things worse.

Airports are the worse for me , to the point I take medication to chill me out. I only take these for dealing with airports as it isn't a frequent occasion.

Things do get better, even though they take a long time to get there.

Trying to accept the problem seems the biggest improvement as like you say stressing out makes the stress worse.

Hope he finds a way of improving ,

Pax

[Lite75]

Hi Charente

I really do sympathise with your partner’s fears and how frustrating and your hard work.

Sometimes I nearly give up yet, like your partner, enjoy it immensely when I do make the effort to go out.

I live alone, and on the days I don’t have a carer in, I have to make myself go out. My mobility has also been affected with weakness on right side but I have mobility scooter which gave me ‘wheels’ again, as I know that I wouldn’t have quick enough reactions to drive now-hard as it has been to face when I’ve always loved my driving.

I don’t have anyone in today and am determined to go out. I need the stimulation of talking with other folk.

I thankfully don’t have problems with bowels but have stress incontinence so have to make allowances for that-I had that problem way before the brain injuries.

Please continue to encourage your partner to get out, even though you must often feel it’s too hard-and I can imagine the effect all this has had on your relationship as it impacts the lives of every member of the family and, we people with the brain injury are different people from we were before it. I think that we sometimes forget that.

A long time ago, when I was only in my thirties, someone wrote in a book I had,

‘keep on keeping on’ - how often do need to do that and I encourage you to do it when you feel like saying, or thinking,”what’s the point anymore. It must be very wearing on you, but try to ‘keep on keeping’, for both your sakes.

[moo196]

along with the other responses /suggestions, could you do the driving? This may cut the stress down by more than half and thus making a more enjoyable time for both of you?Also encourage him to go out on his own sometimes /with someone else. More fuss with you may be spiralling the anxiety. The more independent he can be and find his way through this, the more relaxed he may become. You may be inadvertently part of the anxiety - he wants to not be trouble for you. Could he meet a friend somewhere? Visit family? Go to the park /football /shops /seaside/library alone for an hour?

[Charente]

Good point moo. I ll look at that 👍🏻

[Trevor78]

I've spent a lifetime avoiding many social situations. That was often more to do with perception rather than reality but anticipatory is very powerful and draining anxietyuk.org.uk/anxiety-ty...

[Ste110]

Has he got a radar key? Look it up if not and get a map of the area to go with. I've got Crohn's and have found it to be a life saver. Stress triggers my Crohn's and I wasn't diagnosed until I was over 40 so make sure a Dr knows the symptoms to check, it's only a blood test (mostly, at 1st!) I take meds daily and am able to leave without my emergency bag. 🤞

[Charente]

Yes thankyou and you’re right it’s a life saver xx