Hi there, I'm just wanting to get a bit of advice and maybe some answers. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. He had a TBI due to a nasty car crash / a brain haemorrhage, but this was a couple of years before I knew him, and he was recovered when we met. We have had a few problems in our relationship which relate back to problems he seems to have managing anger, frustration and situations which require patience. His brother and sister seem to think his anger issues may be to do with his TBI, and I think especially his brother has got into quite heated arguments with him about this (my partner says it's not to do with the injury, and doesn't like to talk about it).
I'm quite reluctant to 'diagnose' in this way myself because I can see the resistance my partner has to giving this issue any thought. But I'm also really tired of dealing with the angry, sometimes violent, outbursts that seem to come out of nowhere, and want to know why this happens and gain a bit more personal understanding of the situation, if indeed his behaviour could be something to do with his TBI.
The majority of the time he is the sweetest kindest person, and it pains me to see him so worked up about what seem like minor things. Often I am in the firing line and it is just horrible: I've become quite anxious when we are in a situation I worry might trigger him. Triggers can be: when he has to wait for something, if he's lost something, if he feels someone has been rude to him even if it's clearly unintentional, when it's a busy or unfamiliar environment (to name a handful). I've gotten OK at identifying these and sometimes it helps... for example we used to argue quite a lot because he would misinterpret me and now I try to communicate extremely clearly when I can see he is worked-up. But sometimes I feel helpless and that I just have to ride it out. Another thing he seems to struggle with is decision making around small things like what he wants to eat or how he wants to spend his time. Often he will ask me what we are doing next or where we are going, etc, shifting the responsibility to me: and when I fail to choose something that pleases him I get blamed for his discomfort/anger. I can't understand this at all - and just wish he could identify and go after his own needs better!
Without having known him before his TBI it is hard to know how much of the above could be related to the injury, and how much could just be who he is: I don't want to make assumptions. But I struggle to reconcile some of these behaviours with his usually calm, caring, gentle nature, and also the extremeness of the reactions to the mundanity of the triggers (recently he smashed a glass lamp because he couldn't find his keys). He hates talking about it even once he has calmed down, which makes it more difficult to understand, and I think he would be upset if I talked to his family about it too. I love him, and just want us to be able to cope with this better.
Any advice or insights much appreciated. We are going on a two-week holiday soon... and holidays are often stressful!
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Hi Jaine. You say that your boyfriend had been in a crash........ and recovered. From this type of injury two years or even as it is now six can still be a recovery period. Having said that, it doesn't necessarily mean that your boyfriend's behaviour will improve.
Anger and aggression are often present in early recovery as the brain has a lot to rewire and patch up. As time progresses, behaviours become in grained due to the inability to moderate the emotional responses. This maybe due to the area of brain that would normally limit extreme response is damaged, and the brain cannot adapt, or it can become a maladaptive learnt response that someone is incapable of modifying, is unwilling to modify, or is in denial that it requires modifying.
This makes the behaviour difficult for others to live with, as you are finding. Unfortunately you will not be able to know if this is was a characteristic pre injury that has continued or is a direct result of the trauma. In either case, if your boyfriend refuses to address this there is nothing you can do. Walking on eggshells is no life. I say this as someone with a brain injury, who experience similar from my ex wife, as far as I know she didn't have the excuse of a brain injury. Love, sometimes is not enough. The psychological strain of living with someone that you are constantly second guessing can be too much. It will start to effect you detrimentally.
We tend to normalise, even empower the behaviour, it is just how they are, if we do this they won't, it's not that often. We start living with a clock ticking down, just waiting for the next event. I can't say what you or your boyfriend must do, how to overcome and move on to happy ever after. It is a very difficult situation. Just be aware of your own safety, there are times when you must put yourself first. 🍀
Thanks for your kind response, you're completely right that I need to look after myself and I do try. Friends have also said I might need to walk away but I find the idea really upsetting, I don't think I'm at that point yet but it's good to be reminded that that option exists if it goes on like this or gets worse. It has been a bit better since lockdown restrictions have lifted and we are not quite so on top of each other, so that gives me hope!
Hi Jaine. Your boyfriend is suffering from classic Brain injury symptoms. A brain injury is for life and is therefore life changing, so we have to accept these changes and manage them by whatever means works for us personally.
I'm 10 years on from my Bi and have clearly seen the changes in my personality & behaviour from the outset, but I still fail occasionally to reign in my emotions and temper.
Your boyfriend needs to acknowledge his symptoms as a direct result of his TBi so he can work towards recognising triggers and taking control.
Please contact the Headway helpline for sympathetic and professional advice, and for copies of their printouts explaining the true effects of brain injury.
Keep us updated on your BF's progress and for your own support and peace of mind. Best wishes, Cat x
Hi Cat, thanks so much for the message. I think maybe he was so keen to 'move on' at the time the b.injury happened that he didn't want to spend any time thinking about long term effects and changes. He had significant injury to his legs/body also, was recovering from those for over a year, and when he was recovered from these he just wanted to put the whole thing behind him... I can't believe he has never had any therapy or counselling, it seems wild to me. It seems like something that should have happened before now.
I think I will get the printouts from Headway for him to have a look at (when/if he feels up to it), that's great advice. I think you're right that he should at least explore it to try to understand himself better, even if he comes to the conclusion he 'just has a temper' it would be worthwhile and I'm sure many of the recommended management techniques would work either way!
I will keep you updated, it's something I've been meaning to be firmer about for quite a long time now, so it's really good to have the support here. Very best, Jaine
I remember my determination to leave incapacity behind and move on afresh. After warnings from doctors that my life would never be the same I became hell bent on proving everyone wrong and, a week after returning home, I bought a new, bright yellow bike.
I insisted on walking out alone and (shakily) riding my bike 'til I learned the price for bravado was exhaustion and worsening of symptoms.
It took two or three years for me to accept my new limitations and adapt to a new lifestyle. Meanwhile, meeting others here on Headway and hearing their accounts of brain injury was enlightening and reassuring.
Cat, I have only just seen your post about proving everyone wrong and exhaustion.
As I have always been an endurance cyclist, my ‘happy place’ is when I am awheel as I can forget all my cares and concentrate on the here and now. I do not become fatigued by cycling in the way that I do with other things in daily life and that seems to be a different kind of exhaustion.
I cant readily explain this although I am sure others can. One seems to be physical fatigue, the other cognitive fatigue.
Does anyone else experience this, and as far as cycling is concerned, riding with others always ensures there is a camaradary and help if needed alongside.
I agree wholeheartedly Shreds. I'm worn out and stressed after a 30 minute walk to and from the local shops due to poor balance and the painful action of walking ; both direct after-effects of the brain injury. It's a steep uphill walk both ways and road is too busy to cycle.
I've a knee injury at present so unable to push pedals, but I can normally cycle for hours along the quiet & idyllic Pennine way. Bikes are carried through the traffic in my pal's van and unloaded at the entrance to the Pennine way, only accessible by foot or bicycle, and so peaceful.
Once on the move, the action of pedalling is effortless, and on an uninterrupted ride it's tantamount to flying without wings ! ....so, so therapeutic. Can't wait 'til I'm able to get back to it !
Re. your comment on physical vs cognitive fatigue Shreds ; for me walking is both. But cycling (without traffic) feels like the epitome of freedom. And the camaraderie (with picnic) is a must ! x
Hi Jaine-th1Brain injuries are complicated and are not all the same because it depends what got injured.
What you describe sounds pretty common for the bi spectrum.
It is also common for people who have the injury not to be aware of how it effects them and to be in denial they have one, and/or to have seen slight improvements as meaning they are recovered.
It is common for people to have residual issues for the rest of their lives.
Being involved with societies and getting coping strategies and support can help a lot. This does not mean the person will change, but they may for example learn that doing x means they are going to be angry and frustated afterward. Andthey will be able to self manage better without needing to have others do it for them, though some of that may remain.
If I am reading between the lines correctly you are perhaps hoping this is part of the injury meaning if you are patient or he gets help it will somehow go away - and if he was like this before it means he is like this.
If he were seeing a neuropsychiatrist it might be possible for him to get some help with medication, or it might not. Many are resistant to seeing one as they think it means they have lost the plot. No. Neuropsychiatrists understand how the brain injury effects the brain and can distinguish this from mental health which require different treatment. There are also neuropsychologists - they do not deal with medications at all.
There is also Headway who can give some basic resources. It is a struggle though and you have to fight for yourself.
In this case he may not be willing. Many people go for years and decades without seeking help because they really think they manage ok.
You might contact Headway and see what they have or if they have any advise on how to raise it with him. They may for example suggest an assessment.
It is a difficult situation even when the person with the injury is aware and trying.
As PoB says, so one can tell you how to manage or what to do here. Please do really pay attention to the safety aspects of the situation.
Headway may also have some resources for you to use, as for example seeing a bi literate counsellor for you to talk things through with, from your own perspective and about you
in this situation, may be helpful.
Keep us posted.
Leaf
Ps I am 14 ish years out from the date of injury and am still becoming aware of things and learning strategies - and I still get cranky - I tell people it is with myself, not them, which is true, but they still are putting up with me. Will your bf's go on that long? Who knows.. healing keeps happening but it slows a lot after the first 3 or 4 years. It may be a long and complicated process.
Hi Leaf, thank you for your response I guess what I'm hoping is to find some better coping mechanisms (for myself and for him), realising that if his anger IS a result of the BI better understanding might lead to more effective, BI specific coping mechanisms. For example if we can both understand the triggers and why these happen, perhaps we can prepare better, and perhaps he will feel less embarrassment if he explored this. I'm sure many of the anger management techniques would help whether it's an issue to do with the brain injury or not, though.
He's since been looking into this a bit but it's small steps and I'm not expecting anything overnight! Just happy that he's becoming a little more open to talking about it.
Being aware is always good, you may notice some external factors before he does.For me for awhile if someone was being unfair I'd get a sudden flash of anger that was very intense, and not something I could control. And I was in extreme physical pain for days afterward.
It is also going to be helpful to understand things can be very quirky and also change.
When I got angry it didnt come with a side of agression, though. That does happen to people.
You must always keep yourself safe first.
You may want to call Headway to ask for a neuropsychaiteist he can see, as they understand bi and also mental health and that doc can do an assessment and also can help him with coping mechanisms, including medixation if appropriate.
These things can be complex and no point in struggling on your own with something like this. It is not uncommon and you both might as well benefit from that rather than trying to figure it all out on your own.
And yes you still end up needing to do all you've mentioned as well.
hey j.i can only echo what has been said by all.for "us"we cannot understand the often confusing/irrational behaviours of our loved ones.indeed nor can they,thats the nature of b/injury.and its tough to deal with isnt it?i just wanted you to accept advice given here.i have a different approach(im a mother).i would find a way to give yourself a "breather"in order for you to move forwards.i sincerly wish you both the very best,have a feeling youll be finexx
Hi. I had outbursts of Anger during lockdown, and my nan was always the one in the firing line! Have you tried counselling? braininjurycounselling.co.uk
Hi Jaine, we tend to lack self awareness early on after injury, and that can stop us seeking any help. (We are also prone to recurring depression as result of having a BI - and drugs and talking therapy with a neuropsychologist can help enormously). It can also be very tough just dealing with the gradual return of self awareness, because it's jolly tricky handling living with a brain injury. I can relate to the difficulty in making even small day to day decisions, as even three years down the line I can get stuck on trivial things.
That said, I am not at all happy about you suffering violent outbursts from him, it sounds totally unacceptable to me. I think he needs to take some responsibility for his actions, BI or no. I think this sounds rather isolating for you too.
Yes, six years on he is still likely to have problems from the BI - and as, you say busy environments are difficult for us.
But if you read up on BI - while on one hand you seeking help for him would be a good thing, I do rather worry that you would still be taking responsibility for his behaviour - whereas he needs to do that himself.
Neuropsychologists can do a battery of tests that take quite a while to work through with them, which indicate what brain deficits are showing up, and mine coached me on handling fatigue - and based on my report from all the tests, explained why I found some activities tough or particularly tiring, which was enormously helpful to me.
How is he at reading? I'm a lot slower than I was, but can still read for pleasure.
Books like 'The Ghost in my Brain' by Clark Elliott have resonance with a lot of us. Likewise there are useful strategies for family members in the second section of 'Stroke and Mindfulness - living with brain injury' by Judy Mardula and Caroline Vaughan.
I know you want to help him, and you've invested a lot of time in this relationship, but you must keep yourself safe from violence.
Hi, I was just wondering how you are getting on? I have a friend with a TBI and I can identify with being anxious about triggering him. Obviously people have said about keeping yourself safe but it's not about that for me (as far as I know my friend isn't violent). But it's about the guilt you feel when someone does trigger. I feel very guilty. Even though it isn't my fault. But it's also not my friends fault as they can't help it.
Hi Buzzybee, 12 months on and things are a lot better! We still have our moments (haha) but after many hard conversations I think my partner is more self-aware about the situation. He still gets very angry but is a lot better at separating this from me and not taking things out on me so much. I've also learned to give him space if possible when I can see that he is finding something difficult. Of course, this is not always possible (for example being in the car together), but with his learnings about himself, things are much much more manageable.
I don't think there is any right way to have these kinds of confronting conversations, and we have had to have repeated conversations about the same things which is really tiring. It gives me a lot of hope though, how much things have improved, and how committed we are to become better for each other's sake.
Hello Jaine, My husband has cognitive brain injury from a brain infection 10 years ago. Much of his behaviour is very like your partner's. Various triggers make him angry or suicidal. I knew my husband many years before his brain injury and his character is very different from the very laid back man he was then.
Any decisions to be made, or unexpected occurences to be dealt with really confuse him. Or a difficult situation, such as when his brother recently brought up the subject of scattering their parents' ashes really throws him into a strange, angry, suicidal or totally unhelpful and withdrawn mood. It is hard for me, it is hard for him. He cannot really talk about it, due to speech and understanding problems. His brother is no help at all, and does have any empathy or understanding for either of us.
I see that your post was written a few months ago, I wonder how your holiday went?
I also wonder if you could speak to someone professional, such as a neuropsychologist about this sort of BI? Sometimes it is helpful, although not necessarily reaassuring. Not being in his life when he had the accident, you have missed out on this sort of support from any professionals.
I have spoken to a private neuropsychologist and the NHS one (several times, the latter), but of course, they also met my husband. Improvement can take years very often. I was told that recovery does not happen much after 2 years but it can. My husband has improved hugely since his encephalitis and subsequent brain op, but there are elements of his personality and abilities which will sadly never improve. This is a huge thing for both you and him to come to terms with. Huge. It is taking me a very long time. And for our various reasons neither you nor I can talk to our partners about this. Yours because he doesn't want to discuss it and mine because he can't!
It is very hard to love someone when they are so damaged. Seeing what happened to Ralph and how reduced he was by his brain infection really broke my heart. Really. I have never been the same since. I know its a bit different for you, as you didn't know your partner before and he obviously has recovered a great deal, or was not so damaged that he could not still be himself and a lovable person. Yet I go through phases of unconditional love for him when know that I am not going to get much back for my love. Sometimes I don't love him at all, or even like him. But we are both in our 60s, I cannot start life again, I am too worn out myself and he is not anywhere near needing to live in a care home yet! He has no-one else to care for him.
I think this might be all very hard to hear. I do not mean to upset you, but you have not had anyone to explain all this to you. Your partner, like all brain injured people is totally unique in what his damage was and how his recovery will progress.
It sounds as though you want to find out all you can, and I hope you are doing this. It is only from a position of having as much information as you can that you can plan your own life. Many people cannot live with a brain damaged partner and though it feels like a terrible thing to do to leave, if you ever come to that conclusion, don't feel bad about it. Living with this is a lot to take on and I wish someone had warned me. But you are not me, and your partner is not my husband, so do not be disheartened. Just try to face reality if you can.
Take care.And if you want to, let me know how you get on. I am listening!
hi there, I'm so sorry to hear your story, which sounds incredibly difficult. I think it would be wonderful if my partner might agree to see a neuropsychologist at some point but we are still not quite there yet. However, things have improved VASTLY since I last wrote. He still gets very angry at times and is volatile, but he is much, much more self-aware and better at realising when he is taking it out on me unfairly. I think it is an issue we have to manage rather than something that is going to just go away. After many, many difficult conversations about it, we are committed to our relationship and coping as best we can with the mood swings, and this means him doing things too (not just me!) to ease the pressure.
Holidays are still a bit of a trigger, but again we have learned to cope with it better.
I really hope you are getting on a little better since writing this also.
Where do I begin? Well I will start by saying it is great that you are both committed to continuing and his self awareness is improving.
He will continue to have both good and bad days -that is like life inevitable and every body has those.
Its probably more heightened post BI and coping mechanisms less comprehensively able to create calmness. But try not to use BI as the blame for everything going wrong even if it is that way. There are triggers and these can be many things.
Calmness, quiet places and diversion such as reading a good book are excellent ways to assist, only let him devise those, not force them on him.
One of the frustrations of BI is others thinking they know better. Maybe they do, but allowing them to work it out for themselves is essential.
They still have intelligence and as is often said about disabled people in wheelchairs, sometimes they dont want to be controlled and pushed and want to do things for themselves. But if they ask, then try to help them.
Being controlled will probably frustrate and create more anger.
As some posters you see out and about say “its ok to be not ok sometimes” and this is true for everyone.
Oh and finally dont expect a quick referal via the NHS to a neuro physcologist or similar it can take months or years. I rather think that was my GP just tick boxing again. What is not fully understood is we all have slightly different outcomes and needs. Sometimes its others who need educating!
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Very best, Jaine
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