Partner has TBI

[Leanne9579]

Hi, I’m really struggling at the mo. My partner Dave had a TBI 4 months ago. Before Daves TBI we had a good relationship but now it’s as though he hates me. Dave gets so nasty & there is no affection there at all. Everything I do or say is wrong, Dave gets nasty & shouts & it really hurts, I want to be there for Dave but I’m constantly feeling sad & scared. Daves brain is at a time before he met me & he tells me he doesn’t want to come home but wants to move in with his dad even though we have children together. I just don’t know how to be with Dave anymore, has anyone gone through this & does it improve?

[Lynd]

This is so distressing for you.This is still very early days.

Hopefully this period will pass.

My Husband used to think I was a girlfriend from way back. He wouldn't accept his blood family had passed and accused me of being a liar. He used to think he was in all sorts of places. Didn't recognise home or our home town. He only recognized his friends from Uni years ago.

Luckily for me he didn't get too unpleasant.

Over the last three years we have had lots of improvements

and I hope this will be the same for you.

Time is the healer hopefully.

Good luck with it all.

[Leanne9579 in reply to Lynd]

Dave accused me of lying too as he though his mom was still alive & I had to tell him she had died. It would be so much easier if he wasn’t nasty, I wouldn’t feel as low but the nastiness makes me feel so uncertain about our future xx

[Mads1975 in reply to Leanne9579]

Hello Leanne, as the person who experienced the brain injury I can tell you it’s an incredibly upsetting, frustrating and embarrassing for both parties. I at times felt my closest were working against me at times although I internalised my feelings rather than get angry with my wife and parents.

It can take years to settle down but I’d recommend that you call the Headway helpline which you can find on their website which is operated by trained nurses and who can offer good guidance.

I’m sorry that you’re going through so much upset and hope that you both get the help you need xx

[kandy0616 in reply to Mads1975]

Hey guys I’m 22 to years old and my boyfriend had a motobike accident and has TBI, yesterday I went to visit him and he was swearing shouting and being really aggressive with me because I wouldn’t take him home. I tried to explain why he’s in there and why I can’t take him back home he’s in hospital for his best interests but he mouthed I’m useless and told me to piss off and I’m really struggling with how to help him not be so frustrated. Anyone have any tips?

[rachy_lith in reply to kandy0616]

Hi lovely. Yep, been there. My husband was exactly the same. It’s a normal (but shitty) stage in brain recovery called post traumatic amnesia. I used to gently but firmly keep reminding him that I loved him, he had been hit by a car and that has a serious head injury so needed to be in hospital. He would shout and scream. Then forget what I said and we’d start over. It was an incredibly distressing time for all.

Phils pta stage lasted 2 months and then he settled. He still had lots of issues, but he settled.

Love to you all x

[rachy_lith in reply to Mads1975]

Yep, phil didn’t believe he’s been run over. He said I’d had him locked away and said this for many many weeks. You’re at a really tough stage lovely xxx

[Leanne9579 in reply to rachy_lith]

This nastiness has gone on for over 2 months and it’s so hurtful. I can’t see an end to it at the mo. I remain calm most of the time but the odd time I’ve snapped back. I could handle it better if I was getting some love off him but I’m getting nothing, he is void of emotion 😢

[kandy0616 in reply to rachy_lith]

this is exactly what my partner is thinking, that im not helping him escape the hospital and giving it all that to me because he thinks i wont take him home but our partners are in the best place they can be and as hard it is for them to beleve that right now, it really is its just part of the process of recovery and ive only been on here 4 days while our loved ones are fighting for their lives back, my point is speak your mind here, there are so many survivors, thank god, that can advice you and explain more than the nurses and doctors can with their fancy words and you trying to keep up with what they are telling you, because theyve been through it, Shutout the survivors!!!!!!!

[DTBI]

Hi Leanne, this is very challenging for you, I hope things start to improve shortly.

I suffered a heavy TBI 8yrs ago and it took me personally 3-4 yrs to understand you can never repair the brain damage, you have to reconstruct it. I finally accepted I could never be the identical person I used to be.

It was tough for the wife and my daughters, but they sat beside me and we are far more settled nowadays. As frustrating as it is, I accept I am who I am, and there will always be millions of people in worse conditions to me.

I believe Dave will start to come to terms to his circumstances somehow, it is difficult to know exactly how long it will take him.

Good luck x

[cat3]

It's distressing for loved ones when the person they've known intimately, and have trusted, becomes alien & hostile overnight. It must feel SO unfair.

But your partner's brain is still struggling to recalibrate & to reconnect with its new reality. And unfortunately the challenges & confusion of functioning with a changed brain and wierd new emotions can result in frustration and anger.

It's a long haul sadly and getting control of our 'new selves' can take years rather than months ; meanwhile Leanne, this must be exhausting and demoralising for you.

Maybe a stay at his dad's now & then could provide temporary respite for your man .....and for you, if his dad is sufficiently fit and wlling to try it ?

Sometimes showing respect is part of the re-learning process for those of us with injured brains, so occasional times apart can provide time to reflect and asssess.

The passage of time might feel interminable m'love, but I hope you'll see gradual improvements over the next months and years and far, far better days.

Cat x

[Tim_I_am]

It’s a very tough time for all of you, I had my TBI nearly 5 years ago. Although I could not have got to where I am today with out the love and support from my girlfriend and family.

It’s tough & we don’t mean to hurt the people around us but sadly that is how it can come out. My employer seemed to say that I constantly held them responsible for my accident.

I remember my partner telling me she still loved me even though I was no longer me & hoped that who I was now would still love her.

It’s taken me a long time to get to grips with who I am now, I still miss me from before. I also had to give up my lorry licence, which was my job & im still waiting to get that back. Although I pushed on with who I am now and I’m working to be the best person I can be.

It’s very early days for you and I guess in a way the severity of my brain injury meant I was barely awake for long at any point for a few months. So all I remember was opening my eyes and seeing my girlfriend caring for me. It does get better. But I’d say talking to headway is probably a good idea, they’ll have better advice on how to cope.

Good luck & I hope it starts to improve. Take care of yourself.

[DMreader]

Hi,My partner of 23 years fell down the stairs two years ago and has TBI. I found she always reverted back to long ago, had episodes of nasty comments and not wanting me there, it felt like the last 23 years had not happened at times, two years in she still every day remembers past experiences, but accepts me now better, . It has never been the same as before but I am lucky she is still here. The comments made and the hurt you are feeling are part of the healing process, it is still happening, try not to let it get to you, and I know this is hard, I spent many times in tears myself. Keep strong, seek out help for yourself, this process is not just about him. Headway are great for just talking to when you get down, have a break when you can, you will need it. But it will take time. Best of luck on this hard journey xx

[Leanne9579 in reply to DMreader]

Thank you for your reply, you have given me hope xx

[Hidden]

Dear Leanne I feel for you. The road ahead is long with ups and downs. Each 'recovery' is unique but there are similarities. Cat3 has already given you good advice as have others. The most important thing for your partners 'recovery' is not actually about him. Its about you. If you cant take it anymore he loses. The priority is your welfare. Restpite is the key in whatever form you can get. Even if your partner prefers to just be with you or you worry about him reacting badly to other people and causing problems or whatever else concerns you. If you think you can handle the day to day now, there is a good chance it will wear you down no matter how resilient you are. There has to be time for your friends, hobbies or whatever else. Your partner might be hateful and confused now and yes the road is long but it doesn't mean that soon there might not be a recollection or reconnection in his brain that makes sense of several things for him. Something that takes the edge off a lot of his anxiety and therefore takes the bite out of a lot of his nastiness. Where, when and to what degree that might happen is the unknown bit. But the point is despite the road being long is doesn't mean your partner will be this way the whole time. Keep using this website it helps.