Personal care advice for elderly relative with BI

[bluepenguin999]

Hi, my mum has a longstanding brain injury as a result of encephalitis and I'm looking for advice regarding her personal care. She does the bare minimum or perhaps less when it comes to personal care and I fear the first we may be aware of an issue is when an ambulance appears. They have no carers going in and don't believe they need help. How do others manage this? Thanks

[cat3]

Hi Blue. Your sentence "They have no carers going in and don't believe they need help". Does 'they' refer to family members ?

Can you tell us a little more - i.e. is your mum eating and having her personal care attended to (bathing / teeth cleaned / fresh clothing etc and taking necessary meds ?) And is she mobile and safe to take outdoor exercise ?

A bit more background might help us identify more fully with your concerns. See you again soon m'love... Cat x

[bluepenguin999 in reply to cat3]

Hi, thanks for your reply. I'm referring to both my parents, dad is early 80s and mum late 70s. She eats and prepares their meals. She manages her meds herself broadly successfully. I think toothbrushing is the most she does re personal care. She's mobile and safe for outdoor exercise tho her inclination to do so is often muted.

Hope that is helpful.

Thanks again

[cat3 in reply to bluepenguin999]

Yes, thank you Blue..

From what you say your mum is coping well despite her brain injury. It's obvious that you worry about your parents' welfare and whether their standards are below par.

But for older, less able, folk standards sometimes have to be sacrificed in favour of a more manageable quality of life. I wonder if they're actually 'muddling along ok' and otherwise just grateful for each other's company.

Sometimes our concern for loved ones (especially those in later years) can be unintentionally disruptive to their relationship and peace of mind. The fear of losing their independence will loom large and being cocooned in their familiar ways will be everything.

Have you spoken with them about help from home carers ? I'm sure you know (depending on their circumstances) there's practical help available from various agencies. Even a paid cleaner might lighten the load.

But if their need is to be left alone, and dementia or risk of injury isn't an issue, then I'd suggest you overlook lowered standards so long as basic hygiene is observed and risks of falling, illness or fire hazards are minimized.

It's hard isn't it Blue. But maybe keep an eye on them and be there for them as much as possible. Do you talk with your mum regularly on the phone ? x

[bluepenguin999 in reply to cat3]

That's a very thoughtfully put together reply, thank you Cat. All your points are relevant. My biggest concern is that since mum's illness she has been reluctant to be in touch with a GP without a high level of persuasion, so I fear that any little issue can easily be hidden and might only become an issue aware to anyone beyond mum when an ambulance us required. I have spoken to them about carers but need to again now once they've settled into their new house, I speak regularly and visit every 2 weeks or so tho it's often with toddlers so space for quality conversations are rare.

It is indeed hard Cat, thanks again for your reply.

[cat3 in reply to bluepenguin999]

I guess I'm identifying with both you and your mum Blue. I have both a loving son and daughter but prefer not to bother them since scaring them half to death with various health issues in the past ! But we're in touch daily by phone and they call in regularly ; I know they're there for me.

I spent Fridays with my mum for years but she died suddenly on a Saturday. I later found a missed call from her and blamed myself for many years for not being there when she needed me (no mobiles in those days).

But I've now learned we can't always be where needed. ....still hard for worriers though Blue.

Hope fate is kind to you all.... Cat x

[Pairofboots]

Hi blue, this is a difficult problem. There can be a conflict in what different people think is normal.

Ultimately it comes down to clinical competence. Are your parents at imminent risk because of the behaviour you feel is not normal? Are they aware of any consequences?

Risk could be regarded as direct, something they do, or don't do impacting on them, or indirect, their behaviour may pose a risk to others (possibly eachother, but this would have to take account of individual competence, and allegiance, love for eachother), to others that live nearby, risk to life, or property, e.g. fire, flood, or build up waste, or that they come into contact with, that could illicit withdrawal of a service (utilities, electric, gas etc. being barred from using a facility, shop etc), or could result in violence by them to others, or violence by others towards them, or could result in them being vulnerable to physical, emotional, or financial abuse.

Other considerations, do they need adaptions to maintain their independence, do they need a different environment in order to maintain independence, do they need increased care support. Is the GP/social services aware? Are there an medical causes? Do they have the means required? Then would they accept anything offered as helpful or an infringement. Has anyone discussed concerns with them (This is the first course of action)?

Suddenly what seems like a fairly straightforward issue to resolve becomes a whole lot bigger.

I know this doesn't give answers, just a load more questions. It sounds from what you say, some of the questions already have been answered. If they are considered competent, there is very little that you can do, as their cooperation, and agreement would be required.

[bluepenguin999]

Thanks so much for the time you've taken to reply PoB, your points are salient and much appreciated.