Yesterday was a difficult time for my wife and children, less so for me apart from feeling their hurt.
I grew up the eldest of 7 children in a close knit family and find as the years have passed, my wife, children and I have been pushed to the margins of the family unit. It's got more obvious in recent years, despite the full extent of my TBI and its effects having been explained. One sister and her husband are both doctors so I can't write it off to ignorance.
There's been increasing incidents where a family gathering has been organised for everyone (23 of them; parents, siblings and partners and children) except my own family unit . I've turned up at restaurants with a couple of friends to find most of them occupying a large table. There are Facebook posts after barbeques and days out that my wife and daughter read.
Yesterday was the ultimate one. They booked tables at my brother in law's restaurant to celebrate my nephews communion; one household per table, in line with covid rules. Everyone was invited except us. How we discovered this is because my son (24) has been the chargehand in this restaurant for 8 years and had to go in yesterday (normally his day off) because one of the staff had phoned in sick.
I've learned through therapy to come to terms with this, and just because I care about what's been happening doesn't mean that I can't make the decision to let it (and them) go. I understand that for them to have a paradigm shift around relating my issues from being down to malingering and fecklessness to being about my TBI (as has been proven in recent years) would require them to admit, at least to themselves, that they've been wrong. That seems a tall order for the human ego, so I'm fine as things stand around me. However, it's affecting my wife and children and that's the part that angers me.
That said, I'm not entirely sure what their problem with me and my family unit is. It's not disruptiveness: we're comparatively quiet and agreeable. We're bit left of field in appearance (me mainly) and lifestyle; we're rural and a good bit less urbane than them. Among my siblings and partners, my wife has the most successful career, me the least because of the TBI, so it's not some socio-economic snobbery at play here. I can't quite work out what their issue is but one definitely exists and while I've learned to be fine with it, my family unit aren't, and I'm not fine with that.
Maybe I feeling a bit of guilt that my TBI has dragged my family unit out to the margins along with me.
Rant over, time for a rest I think.
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Glenquoich
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Same situation my friend. I used to get very upset over it but I don't anymore.Its there loss,sad as it may be.I always wonder if they think about us/me..then I come to my senses n realize if they did they would reach out.
Some people just choose to look the other way n walk away.
So sorry to hear this. Trouble is, that whatever triggered this behaviour in the group as a whole has probably been forgotten, and it has now just become an unthinking habit to not keep in touch with your family I'm afraid. Is there any one person in the family that you were closer to before, that you could meet or call individually and start a casual dialogue going again, and go from there? (People often back themselves into corners, and make it increasingly difficult to break a silence that goes on too long.)
People behave differently individually to the way they behave in groups - when the apparent 'decisions' are always 'down to someone else', and it's possible for each individual to assume that it was someone else's task to get in contact with you.
Just a thought anyway.... families can be really tricky things though. Isn't there a quote that goes something like you choose your friends, but not your family?
It's not that I don't talk to them, well some of them. In fact I was talking to my mother on the phone earlier today on to check on how my father is because his colonoscopy was cancelled this week due to the rise in covid cases. She pretended yesterday didn't happen.
It's really one sister and her husband, who act like the family matriarch and patriarch (nobody appointed them) who are driving this exclusion for reasons that baffle me. What really bothers me is my mother talking to me on the phone today as if they weren't anywhere yesterday, she seems to be the enabler. My father is just an old man oblivious to the whole thing, he's probably only got a few years left and I would want the stink of any potential confrontation wafting in his direction.
What's bothering me about it more than anything is, some of my siblings, with who I was very supportive and nurturing, when they were growing up, are behaving so spinelessly and not calling this out.
Maybe I'm not compliant and lick-spittley enough for the self appointed matriarch and patriarch. I've always been a bit bohemian and maybe a bit too 'out there' for my matriarchal sister and her husband's straight laced and materialistic sensibilities.
If there's anything I've learned from three and half decades with a TBI is that any neuro-diversity whether congenital or acquired creates a 'different' person from the societal norms and some people are a bit squeamish about 'different'. Whereas I'm of the belief that 'different' equals interesting.
You're right about not getting to choose your family.
Hmm, know what you mean - I'm always amazed by how stuffy and self important some of my contemporaries have got over time - it's like they've turned into different people, but I have found that sometimes it's self-protective, as they have stuff going on in their own lives which they can't cope with, and it sometimes just makes them very buttoned up and artificial - but they have to maintain their protective facade at all costs. It's sad really because it cuts them off from potential support when they need it. In other words, it's not about you, it's about them... Probably why they can't cope with 'different'.
You're right not to rock the apple cart around your parents though - even if it's difficult for you. But reconciliation can and does happen, families can go from perfectly awful to supportive in the blink of an eye - quite crackers really 😊
Im sorry to hear that. My partner is a doctor and the level of empathy/compassion/understanding has been zero. Doctors don't really understand brain injury
Hi there- Is there a brother or sister that you feel a bit closer to than the rest and meet for a coffee and have an open and honest chat? Or with the “matriarch”? Express to them that life is too short to bear grudges and that what unites you can be stronger than the differences? Explain that your family miss them and take the initiative to organise something inviting everyone even? (after the 2nd Dec if lockdown eases, might be a good way to celebrate??) I feel you when you say that you used to be close, I’m sure somewhere inside them they still remember... bring out the good memories and build on the positive?
I agree that you should let them know how you feel somehow. At least then they’ll realise you DO know what they’re doing and that they’re revealing how thoughtless they’re being. At the moment they seem to believe you have no idea, judging by what you’ve written.
This is really unacceptable behaviour- what happens at weddings, or funerals? What about your wider family?
At least you have your own tight and close family around you, but this is really hurtful behaviour by your siblings and even by your parents and I am really angry on your behalf.
Difficult one, isn't it? I don't understand the behaviour of some of my own family. I've had my character assassinated by one of my closest relatives. Thank God I have my sons and fiance. Lots of loving other people. I think you've been given good advice above and I will follow this with interest.
A slightly different side, probably not relevant here, but I am puzzled by my ex's family completely blanking out not just me, but my sons too. Their grandsons, nephews, cousins have zero contact with us even though we live in the same town. We didn't abandon them. My ex husband, their father, abandoned us. This acceptance of his actions and their warm inclusion of him and his new woman is odd. Sorry. That's irrelevant here.
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