I am sorry to say I can’t live with my partner anymore. My health is suffering and I feel like I am having a nervous break down. Things can’t go on like this. I have struggled with my partner over the past months, I work full time and am with her the rest of the time. She is not as bad as we were originally told she would be, in fact I think she has done brilliantly. However problems with her higher executive function, mean that she has no empathy, lacks self awareness, and has no filter when she says things. Her OCD has gone mad to the point I no longer feel comfortable in my own home. She won’t let me cook anything because I make a mess, I don’t go out to work on the garden anymore because she says I’m dirty, and makes me strip on the doorstep before I can go and have a shower. She has become time obsessed, must have breakfast 8.30, confirms what time I will be back from work so she has the food ready for me to put in the oven (because she doesn’t want me to do it, I may peel some veg and make a mess, frozen carrots only). Goes for a bath 8.30 then comes downstairs and will make a cup of tea, but won’t let me make it. She won’t let me go upstairs to bed until she has brushed her teeth downstairs.
My health is now suffering, I have been crying at work, and at home and some days can’t stop. I am staying at my sisters for a week as I needed to get away, my partner and I have talked about her moving out, but I do not know where she would go, and I do still care so much about her. She has told the kids (all over the age of 24,) that I want her to go and now they want a meeting when I get back. I think she would benefit having some assisted living, she is fiercely independent, but could do with having someone on had just in case. Can you give me any advise, where to start please.
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Aw so sorry to hear what you are going through. My husband had a severe head injury 11 years ago when my kids only young and I can sympathise with you. It’s very Mentally and emotionally draining.
My husband had gone in opposite direction from being a clean freak to me making him get up and do things. Unfortunately he is in downward spiral but it’s been so hard for him going from holding a professional role as a paramedic to someone who can’t hold down a job.
I know things tough and even more so with the pandemic we are living with.
I had my husband referred to the community brain injury team through my doctor as I like you had come to end of my tether with him things he was doing, saying and very bad mood swings which was making life for us as a family unbearable.
I made a doctors appointment and basically told him I couldn’t take anymore and something had to be done. Luckily the referral was accepted by the team and he was seen by a Physiotherapist , Psycologist an Occupationl Therapist and Speech Therapist.
It lasted a good few months. As his injury had been so long before he got this help he was good during seeing everyone but after they started ending their time with him he started to fall back into his own routine but it was expected this would be the case.
I would definitely try speaking to your GP and see if this could be a possibility for your partner.
I don’t know about the assistance living but perhaps if you contacted social services and arrange an appointment for advise on way forward for that.
Hope you get some help with this really quickly, I feel for you it’s not easy for either of you or your family
Hi. I would think you might get valuable advice support from the Headway helpline. Their number is0808 800 2244. They gave been incredibly helpful to me with all sorts of different things. They are also there of you just need to talk to someone who understands some of the issues that you are dealing with.
Sorry to hear of your troubles at this bad time. I totally understand what you wrote and I often feel like I’m only a burden to my wife and family because they can’t see my injuries and they want to move on. I am trying ergo therapy and it’s making my mind work better. I tried a psychiatrist but they don’t really speak enough English so I’ll stay with ergo. I truly hope you can start on the way forward
I was that person in the relationship that was bringing me and my partner down. He tried to understand and I could see he was struggling. When I made the decision to leave he’d already shut up business, chose to ignore the situation and moved on in every way possible. Even though I knew I was going to be making my own life difficult I had no choice. The past, current and no doubt future of having to be there, talk about or live with my health and it’s issues caused our relationship to end. I knew he’d emotionally moved on. He wasn’t able to make my life different. Being a fixer of anything he liked to see a good result. He didn’t get that good feeling being around or living with me! I chose to leave to save his life. I live alone now. It Has its own issues but there’s no witnesses to this. No compromises to be made and I can just repair or sleep. It’s very much sad. My life has changed. I didn’t want to leave but I had no choice. It’s hard I have no contact with him. Our love, friendship and is beyond repair. It does not do me any favours to see him back to his happy self so I am not in his area. A pretty callous break some would say but I knew I wasn’t the person he’d fallen in love with and I knew my way of living was not in his favour (if you can understand what I mean). I have the capacity still to do what was right for my “man”. It’s not his fault that I’ve changed. I think I left before he suggested that time to call time.
It’s a very sad and lonely place you’re in and if you are true and honest in how you relay your thoughts and concerns then I think eventually those around you will be able to see why. It could be a case of you (and the normality of you) could be having a negative impact on your partner. I don’t know but talking to this forum and the private chat facility that is offered to you is a definite priority to this. For the family to see that you are not running out the door and that you seek help and guidance first. Don’t feel bad about this. In hindsight I wish me and my bloke had taken advice, counselling and any thing on offer to save us. The reality of life just got to real for us.
So many options available for you to seek advice. Start first with this support team. Be open and honest with your friends and family. Be true to yourself. A plan where you can still have contact would be some comfort to you both I’m sure but as to how that can happen has to be favourable to you both. Time for change and the speed that you can get help and guidance very much seems a priority. 🌻
Best wishes from me to all of you. I can understand the difficulties and my heart hurts for you. Good advice above, better than I can give.
My own situation is a bit different. My husband that I loved and trusted completely (married for 30 years and together for... 36 years), had already been leading a secret double life with another woman 3 hours drive away when my very large brain aneurysm was found by chance. By the time I got the health shock, he'd already distanced me emotionally. Not just me, our sons too. I was heart-broken, mind-broken and not great, but I hid it as best I could to try to ease the shock and worry to those sons. They supported me for the brain op and recovery and their dad was nowhere near them for the support they could have done with. He spared no thought at all this way. Not even a get well card. That's going back 3 and a half years. I was off sick for 2 years trying to get back to normal. And during all that I was going through an appallingly nasty divorce. He wanted this house - our home - sold. During a particularly bad divorce week last August I had a stroke. Son messaged his father to tell him. Got bugger all acknowledgement. Finally the divorce was sorted in October. I was still off work. Still am off work and just given notice of dismissal because of ill-health. I never plan far ahead as none of this stuff was ever anticipated and I felt bluddy great until "that" year he changed from the man we knew and loved. None of us feel as if we know him at all now.
So to read about your situation and every one else's situations is something that touches me - people actually thinking through and seeing what they can do for the best... Lovely humans that deserve the best they/you can get. Good luck xx
PS I am very glad I now have someone I never expected. A darling man I didn't go looking for. A new love of my life. He now lives with us in our home and he gets on great with those darling sons of mine and our dog. Hugely grateful for the upturn after some awful years.
So glad to hear your light at the end of the tunnel. You have been through some very difficult times, your sons will grow to be good men by the sounds of it. Now is the time to look forward. Best of luck and enjoy your life again.
I can relate to your sorrow and I can totally understand the complex broken relationahips. Ive been with my husband over 25yrs, our 19th wedding anniversary next week, hes reaching 6.5months since TBI. My natural instinct, shock has left me in trauma, and living with a broken heart. But I also realise im his cast steel rock despite the situation.
Im 38 (next week married on 19th birthday i feel like ive aged physically, mentally and old like everyone died around me, and the emotions soo raw. Ive had handful of good feelings when im watching him progress that no one sees. I work full time now managing 2 yr and 15 yr old.
Observers see him home and think naively he must be alright. Yet every day I cry, silent cries stroking my daughters head at bed time, eating meals with my son thinking hes doing marvelous with everything, i look at my husband despite his ways, words, behaviour I think I just love him too much, too much than anyone can love someone. Yes hes survived, yes hes exceeding expectations physically but no emotion, my world is focussed on his needs and my childrens more input than i ever could imagine prior this.
I have no coping mechanisim i just 'carry on' it is what it is and early days, and my husband needs the trusted, loyal, faithful wife to stand in his scary world.
Whilst time away you need break, reflect on her positives, whether you can work with the TBI not against it.
Everyone is different, but i totally understand the decision you have made. I just couldnt do it personally. I wish you good health and please accept your decision to make peace with yourself too
I'm so sorry for your situation. Please do ring Headway but also contact your GP and explain that you're becoming unwell yourself and won't be able to continue being the full time carer for your partner. My relationship also broke down due to my behaviours post brain injury. I recognise many of the things you say your partner does and I know these things can cause an terrible impact on a relationship. I wonder if your partner can get any help to understand her behaviours. The community neuro team can provide neuropsychology and occupational therapy support. She seems to be rigid in her thinking and I had some similar issues early on post injury. This can be a sign of trying to make sense of a life that no longer makes sen, especially OCD behaviours. Maybe with appropriate intervention the OCD behaviours could be toned down to a tolerable and manageable level. One thing the OT focussed on was a routine. The routine helped to remove the out of control feelings. Everyone kept talking about insight. It took me a very long time to get insight . How long ago did your partner sustain the brain injury, it can take a long time to understand yourelsd after brain injury. I understand the loss of inhibition and how embarrassing it can be for family when you're out in public, but I didn't understand it for a long time and wasn't aware that I was being uninhibited. This cansometimes improve, but uninhibited behaviours can be the final straw for many partners. Please do try and get professional help. Friends and family can never understand what it's like, people often don't have any understanding of what it's like to live with brain injury. It's a hidden illness.
This is no life for you.You need to Cary on with life as you want to do the things you want to. This is codependency a rubbish name but not your fault.
You just care too much. You have to have your own life if you stay with her.
What would happen if you said no .Her mood and anger would upset but eventually she will get her controlling does not work. She cannot help her reaction but can change.
Try. Go to work don’t come home straight away.Go for a walk or something to eat. She could cook for herself if she wants full control.
This will ease tension. She will adapt to the new you. Just do what you want
My relationship changed dramatically when I started to put myself first at times. It was better for us both. It took years for me to do this. We have a much better relationship now. It’s really hard to do initially but it does work
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