Mollycoddling?

[FlowerPower62]

Am I doing too much for my husband? My son tells me I am. I have started taking him breakfast in bed (husband, not son!) as he is on new medication which he needs 3 times a day with meals. Son thinks he should get up and get his own breakfast, but as he often doesn't get up until 11.09 or later, thus would throw everything out of kilter. Son thinks I should just let him sort all his own meals out now, even if it means strange times. I want to look after him, and make sure he's eating properly, and don't think he would left to his own devices. But I don't want him losing his independence either. It's hard.

[Pairofboots]

It's a fine balance between looking after someone and preventing them from being independent.

Only you and your husband can work this balance. Your son probably has his own ideas.

Medication is important, but most medication has a window when it can be given, it doesn't always have to be exactly the same time. Speak to your pharmacist, they can give you guidance. Also medication that needs to be taken with or after food, this could be just a biscuit or two.

Also it depends on when your husband became unwell, and how far into recovery he is will depend how much support he needs, and his mental state.

Talking to your husband's care team can give you a very rough guide as to where he is.

His sleep may not be by choice, but because of need.

Talk to Headway, they are a valuable resource of information and support for carer's.

You should also, and are entitled to a carer's assessment, take this up, without looking after yourself, you won't be able to care for your husband. Also you maybe entitled to respite care. That might just mean you can go shopping without worrying about rushing home, or it might be a day service that your husband can attend like Headway.

Asking questions on a forum like this can give you some answers. There is help, you have to find it, and sometimes, you have to jump up and down to get it. Also see about benefits that you maybe entitled to either for your husband, or for you as a carer, again Headway can help you through the overly complicated maze that is the DWP.

[FlowerPower62 in reply to Pairofboots]

Thanks so much, that's a really helpful reply. X

[cat3]

Flower, perhaps you could compromise for now and share breakfast in bed, on the understanding that afterwards, you both start the day at the same time. Your man could take naps throughout the day if need be, preferably in an armchair to avoid an invalid mentality.

If he can engage more with daily activities he'll be less likely to succumb to depression and muscle loss, both of which are cumulative issues and difficult to come back from. He needs moderate daily exercise for stimulating blood supply/respiration to build up strength and create feel-good hormones which help massively with motivation. He could build on that with old or new interests.

Healthy meals, exercise, drinking loads of water and avoiding alcohol daily will also help your husband's 'mojo'. And playing his favourite music tracks can be pretty uplifting & motivational.

I'd secretly like to spend my post-Bi days snoozing in bed, so I really do empathise ; I could sleep for England. And making the initial effort feels pointless at first but, once up, dressed and out, whether it's gardening, shops or seeing a friend or family, it never fails to shift my mindset into a healthier, more dynamic place !

It's still early days for your man, but I think it might be time for a phased awakening ! Best wishes to you both, Flower..... Cat x

[FlowerPower62 in reply to cat3]

Thanks so much Cat, really appreciate the time people take to reply. X

[TaIaV]

Hello

To help you navigate the positive and negative effects of helping someone who needs some care

I highly recommend this very well researched, organized and written book “Counting on Kindness: the Dilemmas of dependency”. It will help you avoid common errors we make when providing well intentioned care.

All the best to you.

[FlowerPower62 in reply to TaIaV]

Thanks, I'll try and get hold of that. Still waiting for my 'Ghost in the brain' to come though! X

[sospan]

One of the things that really gets people on the road to recovery, Is a routine.

A routine allows the survivor and carer to put some structure around the day, so you can plan hat things to do and when to do them.

However, for the survivor to progress, after a period of stability the routine has to change to provide more of a challenge for them to improve.

At the moment, it may be convenient for both of you, he gets rest and you get to do housework whilst he is out of the way.

When you are both ready, i would try and get in him downstairs for breakfast, even if he is in his pyjamas at the same time. Then over time, I would change the schedule so he gets up 30 mins earlier.

As Cat mentions, if he needs to nap in the chair, whilst it may be inconvenient it is one of the things most of us do.

Your son is obviously, feeling a lot of emotions as well for his dad. So I would sit down with your son and devise a schedule and plan that is viable for all 3 of you.

One of the things to take into account is muscle tone, the more "idle" your husband is, the more muscle tone he will lose, which will make him weaker and less able to do things. So make sure there is some mild walking or something similar incorporated

[FlowerPower62 in reply to sospan]

Thanks, need to get him moving as he is certainly getting weaker. X

[sospan in reply to FlowerPower62]

In my routine, I used to schedule in a walk, even if it was around the block or to a corner shop.

Then I got a dog and literally went to far and had to be rescued

[Pairofboots]

Remember anything you do has to be in collaboration with your husband, he knows better than anyone. Push too hard or in the wrong way, is where frustration build's on both sides.

One of my many mantras was, "treat people how they would want, not how you would like". We all have different likes, needs, and the way to gain cooperation is to work within these area's, even if to you it appears slow, to your husband it maybe fast.

[New_beginning]

I wrap my husband up in bubble wrap though he tends to pop each bubble to test, which then he realises he needs to be wrapped up still when he digests what hes done. Nearing 14months now I have routine, structure in place too its become the norm now but I do get twitchy if out of line, as I'm fully aware of the consequences but have recognised it's for my own coping ability and I need predictability too as not fully accepted this new journey

[FlowerPower62 in reply to New_beginning]

Thanks for this. It's great as it's brought up all the other replies from when I first posted this a year ago, so it's been interesting reading them all again. X

[New_beginning in reply to FlowerPower62]

Does it get better as the wife/carer emotional side of things and juggling kids ours 3 and 15. It was a year March 2021, and since February getting all worked up about first year date, I've been a right mess. I did reach out to Headway at 13month point as emotions become to much, reassured it was normal im coming out of the autopilot stage.

Reading through, did you feel you have improved with thoughts/worry since last year. X

[FlowerPower62]

Gosh, it must be hard with 2 children, ours are grown up so I only have him to worry about. (Although you never stop worrying about your kids!)I did find it interesting, and I have to say he has improved. He doesn't stay in bed so long in the mornings. But I do feel I'm nagging him all the time to do things, especially to come for a walk with me for a bit of fresh air and exercise. It's now been 2 years and 4 months, and I think the hardest thing now is the slowly dawning realisation that he's not going to get any better, and I think he's starting to realise it too, which is sad. Although I do keep trying and fighting for new things, in my heart of hearts I know this is probably as good as it gets. I try to stay bright and breezy, and remind him of how lucky he is that he can still do lots of things, it could be so much worse, but I don't think this helps really. We just have to be thankful for what we have. I wish you both all the very best. Xx

[New_beginning in reply to FlowerPower62]

Sounds familiar, I've adjusted, but not at point of accepting 14mths now. I did have few glimpses of accepting few months back, felt strangely comforting, but not had that sensation or frame of thought back sadly.