I am drowning with worry and guilt right now . My youngest son has autism a brain injury and epilepsy , he is in his own home and supposed to be supported by carers from an organisation however they are so thin on the ground staff wise plus his aggressive behaviour and complex needs mean he scares people,off . He is safe and ok but I am exhausted by the years of fighting the same battles with care agencies , listening to his repetitive moans and fears , he has horrendous anxiety and is extremely demanding even over the phone ...they tell me not to answer his calls but he is need img so much reassurance and company , he cannot live with me as he attacks me and abuses me and his brother . He rings many times a day especially now since social services cut his hours and the care company are expecting him to use buses , even though the carer has a car , also he is alone for many days and obsesses about everything everything worries him , his short term memory and slow processing means he needs so muc repeating and reassuring , he focuses on negatives and fixates on those who he sees have wronged him and talks of revenge , he speaks with such bad words and is rude and egocentric , I love him very much and still see so much potential in him but am exhausted to the point of actually feeling I would be beet term of not here at all ...
My mother is ageing and also has short term memory loss but won't get help and my 3 brothers don't talk to me or each other or see her much ..I have moved away as I have met someone and go home every two weeks but I feel I may have to leave and take back on more of a role with my family though I suffer from high blood pressure and m.e and am quite unwell with depression and anxiety . I am losing my mother slowly she doesn't remember much and when I do see her she doesn't show any interest or have anything to talk about she won't get help or go to any clubs it's so frustrating as there's so much she could do to help herself .
I am also getting so very angry , I blow up at the slightest thing and spit venom at my partner ...I don't want to see doctor as have been through all the help I know I just need a real break and people to start realising I am a feeling human being ...and there's only one of me ...
This weekend I haven't gone home I am seeing my son for longer on Tuesday and he can do anything he wants however the stress he has caused as a result , his worry and anxiety over the finer details of the change of routine ...is ridiculous although I told him I was sick he rang me many times yesterday ..confused , anxious , and his carer who he had yesterday said he was going to not work with him if his behaviour didn't improve as he was being unbearable ...all this caused by me putting myself first !!!!
I am drowning in guilt , fear , exhaustion and tormented by it all ...sometimes I seem only one option for me ..
I wrote to social services and have heard nothing back the care company are not really telling me much other than my son needs to be more independent and I shouldn't answer his calls !!!which will leave him isolated and even more lonely ..list this quality of care I don't think so ..lie was expelled from college last month so has no peer support , his care hours have been reduced so for several days he is alone ..though I have not officially been told this yet !!!
My eldest son lives in my house and doesn't want me home as he finds having me around difficult , he has mental health issues and doesn't want his brother around , he was abused by him my ex husband and bullied at school self harmed and suicidal though okish now I don't want to push him but want to sell up as the house is a burden and has bad memories ...
What a mess where do I start , my boys are both a strain , I,m sure I won't even get a Mother's Day gift and I don't get how other mothers who care less get showered with love and adoration .
Sorry I sound so pathetic but please love to hear any suggestions ..lthough I probably know the truth ...
I also have m.e and though was doing well lately am relapsing my body feels so crap , hardly sleep ..
Love to get some support on here .
Thanks for reading this