Is it just me thinking about death

Every night I go to bed I think about death, for me. I'm not depressed. I was ready to sleep tonight when the sudden urge to get a knife to cut my throat and wrists came over me. Is this normal for us bi people. The thing that stops me is my dog and cats. What would happen to them. Never mind my family that doesn't come into it. Until my animals are guaranteed safety I can't do anything. Does any one else feel the same or is it just me ???????

13 Replies

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  • Manys the thought of suicide has saved a man Candace8 !

  • Candy8Candy,

    In early recovery for me suicidal thoughts were there as the pain and confusion in my head was on me. I took one day at a time as I still do and with the help of my God I know I'm not on my own which helps too. There is something there stopping you (Dogs & cats) so try and keep talking about your feelings and your animals will watch over you.

    Have a positive Friday and God bless you. Nick Xx

  • I'm depressed, but not as much as before. I take antidepressants helping me tremendously. I tried suicide twice. A razor blade once (hurt too much ),then tablets (sick till my head hurt ).I realised that I was here for a reason just as you are with your pets, but mainly myself. The medication that I take for depression is sertraline 50mg. They have helped, I don't worry over nothing, and so I can get some sleep which was a big part of the problem. There is always a good way out, take care and cheer up. Keep in touch. Davee xx

  • I used to occasionally have such thoughts.....for me the most helpful phrase that I heard and which resonated for me was "suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem". Not sure why this was particularly useful....but glad it was. Have you spoken to Samaritans?

    Hopefully you can find some distractions and keep safe ☺

  • Morning, I hope you slept well. Those thoughts are there for many of us and I think we all go through really low lows and then almost ecstatic highs. In my darker moments, when everybody assumed I was `better` and nobody appreciated how hard things were, I felt so alone and so useless that I wondered if it would be better if I just hadn`t survived the illness but then I thought, no, I am tough and I have survived for a reason. I have 2 daughters who I raised (largely alone because the marriage ended after my illness) and I cannot imagine having left them. Music may help you, do you listen to music? I listened, weirdly, to loud rock music in my initial, angry recovery phase but now that I am happier and many years on from the illness, I need softer quieter music and am lulled by Sufjan Stevens who, coincidentally, sings a lot of songs about death, and his own dark thoughts, including suicide. The songs are profoundly uplifting though and very calming for my soul. Have a wondrous Friday.

  • Hi Abi. I must say that you ought to be a carpenter, because you hit the nail right on the head. I seem to remember being so happy in my younger days then when I was 31 I was beaten up and I say that was the end of my life. It was my wife and her mother that pulled me through. Then we split and I went down again. My heart decided to play up a few years ago. I'll be back up in 3 years when I get my old age pension. Another good reason not to give in to these negative thoughts. I'm going to stay well until I get some cash back before they drop it further. Keep well. Dave

  • I like that `carpenter` line, I might nick it. Yes, life does change, often radically, after a brain injury. I feel that my old life ended and a new me emerged from that coma so life has basically been divided into pre and post BI. I dont remember what I was like before so just look at that old me as having died. Am awake on and off in the night but Radio 4 and the World Service keep me company and it is beautifully quiet so I can surf the Net and just think about stuff I have not had the time or peace to do during the day. Hope you are well today

  • Yes I'm quite good today. And you? I have to admit, the last time I was going nuts was over nothing (as long as you are not a night shift worker ), I hadn't been able to get any sleep for 4+ days and I got a little stressed. I saw GP who sent me to see another dr who increased the antidepressants and gave me sleeping tablets. They seem to have done the trick. As far as my favourite music choices, well that's easy, all sorts except for most of the last 20 years. When I was driving it was always radio 2. At home I often listen to classical. Mainly 50s to the 80s. Stay well and healthy. Dave.

  • It seems to me that your thoughts are not primarily about dying (ceasing to be) but about hurting yourself! Why all the knife business to attack your body? Self-harm is a symptom of anger and can respond well to talking therapies. Personally I am acutely aware of how my subconscious brain is doing an amazing job juggling all the problems my TBI has landed it with and I want to help it not cause more problems. the big question of whether I want to continue living is another matter. When I decide I will use nitrogen and slip contentedly away not causing my brain any alarm whatsoever and minimal distress for those who find me (they all know!). As for managing the downs and chasms of depression 'happy pills' are a very useful cushion but as I always say it is a long and ongoing process of monitoring and finding the right pill at the right dose which suits. It does give one a clear task and requires a degree of 'mindfulness' which is another handy skill to practise... Leave the knives in the block!

  • Hi, I'm sorry i missed your post last night. How are you feeling today?

    You are not alone, I also had a very dark time after my tbi, I really struggled with coming to terms with what happened me & highlights how vulnerable we are. I was constantly being told 'but your okay' so frustrating....

    xx

  • Thanks Hun . Thing is Iv just turned 6 years on but I find the brain works more now so even though I think of death more I also know I can't cause of animals argh confusing, my poor ikle brain xx

  • Hi candy8csndy,

    For me to keep my life ahead I made sure that I gave myself a PURPOSE. Whether it's children, parents, pets or even something else like being able to help others or even work. You need to give yourself a purpose and this will give you focus on life and what you want to do and how you want to be.

    What also helped me was going to Therapy which you can do through the NHS please ask your GP or the hospital and they will advise you. I got my confidence back and any suicidle thoughts went away.

    I hope this helps

  • please if you still feel depressed ring samaratines or get your self to your doctors and get the help you need . but always try to talk to someone when your feeling that way .

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