This is likely to be an epistle.
It is 5.55am and I have been awake a while now, you know the scenario. Can’t stop your mind buzzing around all those thoughts that won’t go away.
I’m not in a good place at the mo. Probably should be back on the citalopram.
I’m so good at giving out the advice about how a little help when your brain isn’t functioning properly is fine , but of course I can’t action on it myself at times.
Over these last 7 years I have hovered here chipping in and hopefully helping some people cope with their”new” lives, still forever hopeful that I will get back to me. But with each year that passes I can’t help but think that that elusive 5% or 10% that I’m missing is just out of my grasp!
I’m not after pity just understanding of the frustrations I/ we live with daily. My husband has to put up with so much from me, I see his frustrations daily coping with how our lives have changed and I could weep. In fact this last week I have wept, many times, I could weep again now but that won’t change anything.
Last night I met up with old work colleagues, not seen for 3 years, and it was fantastic, except. The pub we were in was so noisy, I missed a lot of conversation. I could only have one drink because of the effects of alcohol and also volume of liquid I was consuming and the continence issues, the subsequent fatigue, getting home in the dark ( god bless my friend’s husband for being the taxi) and the fact that once it gets to 7pm at night I’m usually checking the time and wishing it was bedtime. It brought it home to me again, big time, how this was now my life.
I have fought back to near normal intellectual capacity, it’s the physical issues I struggle with now.
I say near normal intellectual capacity, I’m fooling myself, I can only sustain that for about 4 hours and if I have to concentrate hard and talk too, the speech goes, I can’t find my words and the brain fog descends. So, I tend to sit back and listen and deal with the frustration of not letting it all out like I used to. I’m sure you know what I mean.
I can’t dance and be that outgoing person I once was. The frustration is the worst, but deep down I am angry with myself as if I should have stopped this happening or overcome it by now. I hear you saying that I need counselling, been there done that. I know what I should do, how I should deal with it, the counsellor said I was dealing with it brilliantly, that I knew all the answers and she couldn’t help me any more. Except, deep, deep down I wasn’t dealing with it brilliantly, it bubbles below the surface.
Tonight it has surfaced and I am sorry, I just had to let it out.
My journal wasn’t working for me, no-one reads it but me and I needed someone to ‘hear’ me tonight.
So, again, I am sorry, but thank you whoever reads this. Thank you for being there, I can sleep again now and all those demons have been put to rest for a little while again.
I will be able to get up in the morning and be that person the family want me to be again for a while.
And all I will say to all of you out there, life is hard and we have been dealt one of the cruellest blows but we are capable of living through this, we are all amazing. I just wish I had a magic wand that I could wave and wipe it all away for us all.
Goodnight, or rather Good morning.
Love to all