Stressed exhausted wife

[17ar]

I’ve been caring for my husband for 4 and half years after he got knocked over by a car he suffered 2bleeds on his brain , earing loss in one left ear and now has seizures. Earlier this year he ended up in intensive care for 2 weeks after having an emergency operation for varices and we found out he had cirrhosis too . They told us yet again he had been very lucky.Same thing they said after his accident.

I do love him are I love the man he was I’m not sure which, it feels like I’m living with a different person.

He blames me for everything and talks down to me . Also steals money off me and takes my bank card to buy things on Internet which never arrives but money gone . I give him pocket money which disappears in a matter of hours but can’t tell you where it has gone. I under the doctor for stress but nobody seems to understand are able to help .

[Hidden]

Oh how I understand. I looked after my husband for over 40 years after his brain damage. It is truly exhausting. Are you getting help? Do get everything you possibly can, social services, whatever. I found our local 'Care for the Carers' wonderful (I think it is called Carers UK, nationwide). Ask at your council offices and library about local schemes, we have lots of dementia groups which are also suitable for those with some types of brain damage. We went to coffee mornings, lunches, singing groups, quizzes etc - anything to get out of the house and keep his brain busy. He was hospitalised several times and I understand the stress involved.

You need to be crafty with money. I got my hubby a prepaid credit card. Once he had spent the money that I put on regularly, he couldn't buy anything else. You need to hide your cards so he doesn't have access to them.

I understand about him not being the man he was. My husband died recently but the man I buried was not the same one I married. During the years we came to some sort of existence but it wasn't the life we had planned. Nonetheless, it was good at times. Do you have anyone who can look after him or could you get respite so you could get away for a few days. There are carers breaks available where you can spend time with others also caring for someone which is great as you pick up lots of tips and ideas of how to make life easier. There are some day centres around, too, where he could go for a few hours to give you a break.

You are very welcome to private message me whenever you want someone to talk to. Don't feel that you are alone, many of us have trodden in the same footsteps you are taking now.

The most important thing I would say is - try to get some life of your own. Even if it is just meeting a friend for coffee for an hour, He may not like it but if you crack up, he will finish up in care whether he likes it or not. It is to the advantage of both of you for you to have some time to yourself.

[cat3]

Hi 17 and welcome. I've no experience of caring for someone with brain injury but I know what a tough time it's been for exhaustedwife (Jan) and her dedication in caring for her late husband until very recently. Please message her and avail yourself of her wisdom and helpful advice.

Also, you could phone the Headway helpline for extra support and advice ; the number is 0808 800 2244......calls are free and lines are open during office hours.

Sincere best wishes m'dear in getting the help you so badly need. Cat x

[Headman]

I have TBI, and went to many Headway support days. One of the guys I got to know well there turned nasty and dependant on his wife after his TBI, and he didn't truly understand how much, until she left him.

Because of his condition, he soon got Support, and his Own place in sheltered housing. He is SO much Happier now, and is Also very happy that his wife now has a Life, too. They can be Friends again now.

Sometimes, we have to make (what we think are) Difficult decisions, though make them we Must, because Life is too short, and you won't get that time back once it's passed.

I was estranged from My family through similar circumstances, though we ALL got through it, and the long time (years) we were all apart was (eventually) Good for everyone, because we ALL Learned from it, and that we could make our own way - with Help, and Understanding.

Bless.

[Daylight123]

I chose to be in a relationship with my partner who has a brain injury, because of the many wonderful qualities he has and because I fell in love with him. After 4 years my experience is Love does not concure all, but it does make me very committed to trying to over come the challenges that having a brain injury partner presents. One of our ongoing challenges has been financial. I'm not married so I'm limited in what I am able to do to address my partner over spending. I am engaged but we won't get married now has I have come to realise that I would be marrying into the (punative and oppressive )benefit system that as undermined our relationship, created dependency and disempowered my partner. My view now is to think outside the box and work out how your relationship can safely work for both of you. I think headman is right there are lots of ways to love and support a head injury partner/ husband. You just have to find what is the right way for both of you not just for your partner. I'm very lucky my partner is not selfish and he will work with me to find the best path. He knows that I will always love and support him , even if we have to live in separate accomodation because I can't get my partner to budget and we will be running into debt shortly which is causing me stress. He gets angry when the issue of overspending is raised and he won't use pre paid card. I can budget but it's a struggle so keeping daily tabs on my partner is exhausting because it's a daily issue like a dripping tap. BI relationship are complex. Like headman suggest we may have to live separately to function safely. Thinking outside the box will not stop me from loving and supporting him it will just be in a different way. My advice is to work at your relationship and all the new issues but think outside the box if necessary. Don't self sacrifice it only builds resentment and will cause harm to both of you, Time out for yourself is very important. There are two needs in a relation never one. Big hug

[Mrspepperpot1]

Bless you.....its So hard at times. Do you have any help for yourself and people to speak to x

[KB1979]

I totally understand I am going through this for the last 3 years we are only 41 years old. My partner has a abi and dysecutive function too. We get help he has careers twice a day but it’s his behaviour that’s can be reckless in leaves me floored it so unpredictable. I feel that I don’t exist anymore. I some how god knows how managed to finish my degree as a nurse. On the day I found out I passed all my exams my partner decided to go out alone in got totally drunk out the blue ended up unconscious and in hospital then he acts as if nothing wrong. This week he gambled away £700 which he has never done before he’s so unpredictable. I really struggle to keep a normal life but it’s hard when his behaviour has devasting effects unfortunately I can’t watch him all the time. I told the crisis mental health teams I can’t cope but they do nothing I been told on many occasions that I am a responsible adult so I can take care of him. No one listens they just pass it on to me . Sorry to rant x I am looking for a support group in my are perhaps this could be something u may try x take care x

[Hipchick09]

I really feel for you.My Husband had an incident 3 years back now causing a bleed to the brain and multi fractures to the skull.

It was frontal lobe so has affected his personality, memory attainment, executive decisions etc.

I too grieve for the man he was before it happened. He has long gone and I have this man here who speaks just to be in jibberish, treats me like his personal slave and has no love or respect for me.

I am just his carer, I don't feel like a wife anymore. No intimacy, no feelings shown towards me.

Additionally he still wants to drink which turns him into a verbally aggressive nightmare only towards me, no one else.

He has been having councilling sessions for his drinking and excessive hoarding ( which has now taken over the spare room) he too spends good money on expensive crazy things which is a huge concern.

I have made a huge decision and am about to move into a rental 30 minutes away for my sanity. I still intend to care for him and to be honest as long as his needs are meet I dont think he is too phased.

I just feel I got the short straw, he does struggle and get fatigued, he obviously is affected by his injury but does nothing that includes me as I refuse to let him drink around me. He lays it on thicker than it is for me, will be bed bound for days then suddenly spring into life to go to football or to get a tattoo done!

I feel do many emotions about us and how he is behaving, I know from people including family that in their company he is an able up right person but not for me.

I wish you only but the best for yourself, stay strong and remember this is your life too.

[17ar]

I can understand every word, your life sounds like mine except I haven’t left , well that’s not strictly true, I’ve got my own bedroom and I go to work part time so that’s my escape. My children our grown up with their own lives and homes , they both surport me and I see my friends when not in lockdown. His liver is getting worse from the drink but I’ve given up falling out with him , I take to his appointments and let them deal with it . People who haven’t been through this can’t understand, they say doesn’t he look good, he’s doing really well, because he’s being overly nice to them. I used to think he didn’t like me but I’ve learned it’s his own frustration with how he feels and can’t understand why. Your right make time for yourself.

[Hipchick09 in reply to 17ar]

I have recently been contacted by his alcohol therapist who feels he is not making progress with his drinking and behaviours. He concludes that the bigger problem is that he believes he has a B cluster personality disorder. This breaks down as 4 different disorders, narcissistic, histrionic, borderline and anti social. It makes so much sense now, it is believed that it has always been there but his brain injury has magnified it to a point where it cannot be ignored.He is waiting on an urgent assessment with a psychiatrist and his treatment with his therapist is already treatment for someone with a PD.

As a family, all working together on the same page we are hoping to god that with therapy he can improve but have been told it is deep rooted and no promises.

Even though I cannot live with him because of this, not ready to give up on him yet.