We re back in Wales and meting lots of old friends and family who we have n t seen since before husbands life changing brain haemorrhage 6 months ago.
Although his recovery has been amazing... full left sided paralysis to walking , independence and driving, he still has issues... balance, memory, headaches etc. Cognitive issues.
Although he's loving socialising and catching up, he's reliving the accident, the early dark days and recovery all over again, many times.
Afterwards he becomes melancholic and longing for the old days pre accident. When he was normal.
Now we re doing ok, moving forward slowly and mostly hopeful for the future so should I try to avoid this dwelling on the past and this inquisitive questioning ( although well meaning) from friends?
Is it good therapy to to go over the past ? or should we draw a line under it and avoid inquisitive questions and concentrate on the present and recovery?
Thankyou as always for listening
Anne
Written by
Charente
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You cant pretend it never happened. I still have times when i cant quite recall a memory or i wake in the night and remember lying unable to move in the hospital bed. Or “half memories” when coming out of my coma, but i want to recall it all.
Im never going to be the old me but i dont want to lose any part of my life, those memories are precious to me whether bad or good. Its what makes me me. I can recall some parts of conversations tha happened at my bedside whilst in the coma and also my children reading to me, also whilst in my coma, all very interesting to my scientific mind. The way my brain has recovered also interests not only me but my family and i am more than willing to discuss and share this with whoever is interested.
I too can get melancholy and want the old me back but this is who i am now and will move on forward from here, albeit looking backwards from time to time .
Hi Anne. I think that this 'debriefing' process is really important for the person with the brain injury, and for interested parties who might want to prevent the subject from becoming a taboo.
I found that close friends were hesitant to ask too much ; they admitted that broaching the subject of brain injury felt very awkward. But they seemed reassured to know it's possible to survive a brain haemorrhage and to hear that I hadn't found the experience of treatment or rehab in the least scary ; I'm all for breaking down taboos.
But for my close family and I, it was an essential period of working through that critical period almost hour by hour so that they could offload, to me and each other, all their personal observations, fears and emotions at such a frightening & bizarre time in their lives. And for me it was shocking/amazing/ gobsmacking hearing what was happening to me whilst I was 'out of it' and how they thought I was seriously brain damaged because of my peculiar behaviour and ramblings.
It was almost like we needed to re-live that two months, but from a safer distance and environment …………... to analyse all the chaos and make sense of it. It has eventually diffused the whole experience to a point where we can mention it in passing and (sharing a rather dark humour) to laugh about when recalling some of my out-of-character antics and remarks.
It's exhausting facing traumatic events head-on and it's still really early days for your husband, but it's well documented how burying them only stores problems for later on, whereas keeping them alive 'til they've lost their sting is pretty foolproof.
Wishing you both better days to come Anne...……. Cat x
Well said Cat. I find it quite frustrating that I can remember nothing at all for that period. I still drive my family mad saying things like did I do that or look like that. But mostly we laugh about it all. It is an odd feeling that others know more about some time in your life than you do.
Exactly Maureen ! It's like everyone I care about went somewhere really exotic for a couple of months and all shared a secret experience...…………... from which I'd been excluded. Kind of felt like I was 'outside looking in' listening to all the stories afterwards. 🤔
As you say, it's still feels weird having 'lost' a chunk of life which you were actually the whole focus of !
Hope you're having the winter sun we have here in NW today ! xx
Hi Anne. We moved to South Wales a couple of years ago. Are you back for good now? I fell off my mountain bike and landed on my head in 1998. It made me a different person. I STILL long to be the person that I once was. Don't get me wrong, life now is good. But different. I still struggle with my temper. I get huge fatigue every day when my brain gets tired and have to sleep for 1 - 2+ hours. And I hate it. I struggle to plan, sort, organise, prioritise, motivate... I just can't get started on a task. Or then stick to it without getting distracted. I'm more irritable when getting tired and any stimulation like light or noise seems too much. I've read that your brain can recover to some degree but after 2 years the recovery plateaus and you have to accept and adapt to the new You. So there is still plenty of time for your hubby to improve. Good luck x.
I realised that I didn't answer your question - Duh! :-). I reckon that talking about the accident shouldn't be taboo but let people know that you'd rather concentrate on the present and the future. For many subtle reasons it can be easy for brain damage Survivors to find that family and friends simply fade away. They don't know how to deal with the different person that their old friend has become. Lots of relationships fail too. Headway have booklets about it. Forewarned is forearmed. I knew nowt about all of the possible problems associated with banging your head so i lost my Wife, job, new home I'd just built in Australia, friends... ended up back in UK, staying with my Mum. Looong, sad story. But you and hubby can read all of the Headway info and avoid the pitfalls. I wish you well x
i have an abi as apposed to a tbi although like you, i suffer from fatigue, but that what you get from a bi, mood swings although i take medication, which help but i still let go once in a while, noise cant be doing with it, which makes pubs and sometimes restaurants difficult.
i hate strangers or social situations and may get angry, but my wife will lead me away.
like you i need a sleep in the afternoon ( i do ) and ive been diagnosed with adhd so ive got several tasks to try and have a go at, but like you im easily distracted.
It's hard work isn't it Steve. I know various people via Headway meetings who have ended up with a damaged brain due to lots of different reasons - stroke, abi, tbi, heart attack, oxygen starvation, epileptic fit etc etc - and we all seem to end up with similar symptoms/problems. All we can do is try to be the best person that we can. And allow ourselves periods of peace & quiet and rest.
Just yesterday I heard a radio program that powerfully pointed out that the stories that we tell ourselves about our lives have a huge impact. A man had been affected as child by war and displacement and discrimination and yet his narrative tour those experiences was consistently about how lucky he and his family had been in the course of all of that. Everyone who knows him says he seems like the happiest person they know.
I mention this because there is certainly therapeutic value (getting it our of your head by talking) and social value (removing the sense of taboo) in talking about what happened to your husband. But what I am sure that you want is something that accomplishes the above with our triggering the melancholy that you describe. I can envision a narrative that:
1. Very briefly describes the accident that happened in factual but not emotion-laden detail,
2. Describes the very significant progress that he has made with an emphasis on the effort, fortitude, faith etc that has gotten him this far, as well as stories of people who have been helpful.
3. Acknowledges the fact that there are still challenges being faced, but with an emphasis on the patience that he/you are ready to bring to it and the pleasure that it will be to be in the company of valued old friends, acquaintances and surroundings as you continue that path.
I give this just as an example of the kind of narrative that could actually use the social situations you face to create a positive, rather than a neutral or negative impact on your husband'd psyche: Something that reinforces the positive,rather than highlight the negative.
I am glad you found it useful, Charente. Sorry about all the typos/ bad automatic editor substitutions. I wrote this and the system hung up when I tried to send it. So I screen-captured and retyped it in quickly. I should have edited it. Best, Taia
I think it's pretty common to think about your accident. I know I do. In time, it fades. It's two years out from the rollover car accident I was in. I still occasionally think about it, but it doesn't have the same emotional charge. I miss my old life. I don't think there is any way around that.
I know very little but one friend has a severe form with 'flashbacks', severe anxiety and very low moods.
I've just had a look at the NHS info and it's possible I experienced it to some degree post TBI, as I had nightmares about my memory of being admitted, even though I'd been in a coma but soon that was taken over by here & now stress.
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