Anyone else feel people are overly cautious with them after BI

i was involved in a bad car accident 5 years ago on the motorway. I don’t remember it but insurance worked out what happened and it wasn’t my fault or anyone else’s. Since then my mum has been worried when ever I drive. Does not want me ever going on motorway again tho I have been a few times she doesn’t know. She likes me to text her when ever I go out driving alone when I get where I’m going. I go to a BI group every week by train I drive to train station and text her when I’m on train so she knows I haven’t crashed. She will not even listen to the fact it would be better for me to drive to the group if ever trains are not running. It is faster on train and easier but if they are on strike or missing out my mum thinks I should not go to BI group rather than driving there. I have only driven once as the trains were on strike so had limited service and I wouldn’t have got there in time otherwise. My mum doesn’t know this or she would go mad.

The other person to be overly cautious which I can sort of understand is the man who runs BI group he’s had BI himself so knows what it’s like. He feels responsible for everyone there while they are there understandably. Yesterday he wasn’t there as he’s been in New York running a marathon. I was talking to the woman who also runs group she hasn’t had BI but has a brother who has. She does do more with us who go there. She’s got a few of us with fitbits to count how many steps we do a day she’s planned for us to do a 5km run/walk next month. Not everyone doing it as some wouldn’t manage it. I am doing it and yesterday she said the man is also going to do it with us. She said he wasn’t sure about it at first as he didn’t want to be responsible for all us who are doing it. She told him he doesn’t need to be as it’s not an event they have organised. Also next year the woman has planned for some of us to do a total warrior assault course. The man has been wary about this as obviously it’s going to be tough he’s thinking we may struggle. The woman has argued our case that she knows we will be ok. I saw his cautiousness other week we had been on about me doing some running and walking with him after he gets back from New York which will be next week. He mentioned he was going to walk the 3 peaks in Yorkshire again next year he must have noticed me listening and straight away said I wouldn’t manage them. So it got me thinking I will walk them next year with the man and woman and got a few others joining from the group. The woman said yesterday she thought it was insaulting how fast the man said I wouldn’t manage the 3 peaks, but I told her it just made me determined to prove him wrong. I love going to the group and get on well with everyone so will just prove I can do stuff. As far as I’m concerned it’s me who should be responsible for myself and same with everyone else. I know people can be classed as vulnerable after BI but once they have been to group few times it’s clear what they are like if they think they can do more or less than they can. Everyone who goes regularly is capable of being aware what they can manage. There has only been 1 woman who has needed looking after. It was a woman with very bad memory anything after half hour she would forget, she needed constant reassurance that someone was coming for her and couldn’t go anywhere by herself. She doesn’t come any more as it got too much for the woman who runs group. Everyone else is capable of looking after themselves.

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Hi Keeley,

It's obvious that these people really care about you and surely that's much better than having no one care at all. A gracious " thank you for caring" wouldn't be too hard to do would it?

As for your mum as you still live at home I'm afraid it's her rules one thing I've always insisted on with my children, I'm the one with the BI, is when under my roof they afford me the courtesy of keeping me updated as to their whereabouts, that way I don't worry .

You are doing ok xxx

Janet x

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I can understand the letting her know where I am and letting her know I’m safe but the not accepting I could safely drive somewhere just cos I don’t know the roads is going too far. Also when children grow up into adults it’s not fair for them to still have to do as they are told such as not going somewhere cos it would mean driving. All that leads to is them lying to you when it would be better for them to be comfortable being honest.

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Hi again, I'm afraid that's between you and your mum, my children and I have four, 46, 43, 28 and 22, know that lying to me is only likely to cause more problems it's much better to be truthful and talk things out to get the best result for all.

If that's not possible with your mum I am sorry because that scenario is a difficult one to live with.

But as I said before whilst still living at home then mums rules are the ones to be obeyed .

Janet x

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Hi

Im thinking of going to my local Headway group; and, from what you and others say, it sounds like they are are a pretty positive environment. I can understand the over cautious thing. I have a lot of brain lesions and it looks like I have been having a lot of ministrokes. But Ive also become focussed (maybe overfocused) on avoiding TBIs, as I feel my brain has already had enough of a battering from the inside without it getting hit from the outside as well. And so I have cancelled plans to buy a motorblke (probably sensible anyways as my vision is now a bit crazy) and I also worry about knocking my head on things like doorways, lamp-posts, otehr people!

Funny thing is that Im planning to buy a really cheap little motorboat and chug aroudn teh coast. Its maybe a bad idea, as I have not been in a boat since I was a teenager (some years back now!). I kind of feel too anxious about TBIs but maybe not anxious enough about other dangers (like drowning at sea). maybe this is a result of the brain damage?. Maybe im just being a bit stupid! Its just that life has been so hard, and grim, in the last two years (after waht was apertty happy life) that I feel I need to do something dramatic and exciting to rescue me from a terrible sense of existential loss and hopelessness. Maybe I'll buy a rubber dinghy and not leave the harbour!

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btw I think you are lucky that your mum cares so much and she is luckly that she has a son who takes the time to phone her to let her know that things are ok. But I also understand why her over worry is frustrating for you. Maybe she will get less worried over time.

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No I am being cautious because I know the brain can go so wrong.

Still hopeful to get better though.

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Saying thank you is always a good thing to do. How about starting the conversation with this. Such as:

I appreciate your concern and I thank you for it, I want to be able to expand my horizons and be more independent. I would appreciate your support while I adventure out... driving, climbing, whatever the activity may be, can we discuss a plan that can make us both comfortable? You may want to express a plan then. Await the response. Allow them time to accept the plan or possibly for them to tweak it.

Be open to suggestions or ideas. You don’t have to accept the ideas but you do need to consider their concerns, then re discuss when options have been made. Hopefully both of you will feel more at ease and it will be a step forward for you and your mum or BI leader. Best of intentions, good luck, Cindy

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I’m hoping to do an abseil next year. The man who runs group mentioned doing one and some of us who go to the group was going to do it with him to raise money for the charity. The woman said yesterday he’s decided he’s doing it on his own now. No idea why, but woman said she may try to sort something out for people to do one. Not sure about the raising money for the charity bit but will talk to the man next week see what he says.

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I am in America at the moment so do not worry about time exchange when you contact me

We come here as it Helps with my muscle disability they work much better with heat

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I have a 17 year old daughter and a partner with BI. I worry about both of them but I also want them to be independent and know that they must take risk and do things their way. My partner rides a bike but won't wear a helmets. I have had lots of conversation and asked him to wear one but he as his own rational one I disagree with. I can't demand and I don't want to treat him like a child so it's his choice and I pray he stays safe. As for my daughter I do ask her to reassure me that she will safe and we discuss how to manage risk she does tell me what time she be home and she knows that is the point at which I will worry and only then. It's a safety thing for her and me it's not control or clipping her wings. I let her get on with her life. It's sound like you mum needs reassure let her know you have driven on the moter and that you are confident and safe. Negotiate some reasonable rules with her that give you space and freedom but also let her be your wing women.

My friend with BI as just gone to African to do charity work for a month all on her own life and risk does no end after BI. Know you ability push a little then a little more but not so far that you actually pit yourself in danger.

Best Wishes X

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