Men and dating (warning long ranty post again)

[bexx87]

Roughly a year an half ago I walked away from a 9 year relationship for lots of reasons (he wasnt listening to me, he was controlling, he would be little me ect ect) anyway the minute I became single a colleague in work who had started the same time as me (5 years ago at the point) told me he liked me (when he was drunk) and starting flirting with me and I thought screw it Im single Im going to snog him (I was drunk as well and he grab my hand and took me on the dance floor to set the scene) and (I wont go into detail) but we ended up in the male toilets at like 1 in the morning in this club (I will leave the rest up to your imagination), a few days later he text me (in work) and said did I want to be friends with benefits and I said sure why not over the course of the next 5 months we grew really close and while I didnt see myself at the start of it going anywhere I slowly started to fall for him because he made me feel excited and nervous at the same time and I felt happy to see him and it feel nice to feel like this as I hadnt felt this way in 2 years since my 9 year relationship started to fall to pieces so I wanted to tell everyone how I felt and the frustrating thing I found was every week he felt differently about me one minute I was his girlfriend the next minute I was friends with benefit which made me confused and I made the stupid mistake of telling the odd work colleague here and there not really thinking it would turn in to “water cooler gossip” and he told me that he would change his mind and get bored of me which I did not believe anyway out of no where a year ago he text me saying we should go back to just be colleagues, now the last time I was dumped I was 16, my past 2 relationships I have been in control so I was devastated that he had gotten bored of me and ever since then I have been emotionally beating myself up so I took that anger and moved out thinking it would help but it didnt it only made me feel more alone and I would get drunk and text him nasty things in anger as I was really hurt because I had gone to feeling over the moon with happiness to feeling like dirt on the ground and he made the foolish mistake of telling me he had no confidence in me at work and if he wanted anything from me, he would go via my line manager so I told my line manager every thing (minus the dirty bits) and he said if he brings up work in an argument to tell him because using work as a way to hurt me over me getting him angry had no place so I told him him he said he had no confidence in me at work and if he wanted anything from me, he would go via you and that I couldnt understand why he had no confidence in me and my line manager response was and the only person who needs confidence in you is me as your line manager (which made me feel better) but my line manager brought it up with him line manager as are teams work side by side (and I told the next boss up who told me that yes he is work smart but he is not street smart and loads of other colleagues have told me he is an idiot for ending it with me which again made me feel really nice) and I asked my line manager something and he said go to your work colleague (the one I dated) and I kick up a massive stink in front of the whole office about why should I go to him when he gets to go though you and my line managers response was because your the older one and we are not in a playground and this made the penny drop for him how immature he was being and he started talking to me directly rather than going though my line manager, now (back to the reason Im posting this) in work there is a small tiny clic in our office and the colleague that I dated is part of this clic and this clic keeps trying to wind me up over the fact that I got dumped (see how telling the office has backed fired in my face) and they make small gestures of reminding me that this work colleague has no feelings for me but over the year that me and this work colleague have been talking then not talking then talking I decided to delete his number and block all of this clic group on facebook to stop gossip spreading about me (again have never been in the position to be gossiped about and I like my life to be as drama free as possible which doesnt always happen) so this clic thinks that my colleague has no feelings for me but when we pass each other in the corridor (and its just us and no one else) I get a totally differently message which leaves me confused again (because Im still not over him) and when Ive tried talking to him about it (just us no one else) the response he gives me is I still dont like you.

Sorry for it being so long (again) I just wanted to get all of this out of my system (and its been very therapeutic)

[RogerCMerriman]

Ooh ouch that’s a bit of a mess, not sure I can offer much really, except try not to respond to any nastiest.

[lcd8]

Bexx, I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I know its easy for me to say and probably not what you want to hear, but my advice would be to try and forget him. If he says he isn't interested then he probably isn't and no amount of vibes are going to fix it. Some people just get a cheap thrill out of knowing someone else fancies them and thinking they could start something anytime they wanted. What happened/is happening with his clic was cruel. You would be best to remove yourself from the situation and get on with your life. While you are hankering after him you're also giving off a vibe that you are taken. Perhaps if you accept its over you'll meet someone great who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. Good luck.

[brumatmed]

Kin 'Ell Bex, you know how to live life on the edge, I am rewriting this again because I got interrupted by work, and I am not sure if I sent issue 1 or not. The basic message in issue 1 was mixing work and relationships is bad (ask any parliamentary secretary). If you fancy a colleague (I think every one has done or will do this) you keep it very much on the QT and even if you get on and down to it, NO-ONE in the organisation must EVER know, EVER - if you ask me, this must be part of a pre-relationship agreement. If he/ she really cares they will agree like a shot, as this will preserve their anonymity from their colleagues as well (I know it sounds a bit sad, but if it saves one or both of you from getting hurt, its a good idea) if they um and err about it then walk or run a mile. To be honest a relationship which is based on 'friends with benefits' is a bit of a loss leader. Either you both want to be together or you don't. If you both just want 'benefits' then you cannot be too upset when he cools off and wants to go elsewhere (after all sex is sex but a relationship is everything).

On the up side, sounds like your well out of it, he sounds a bit of a nob head etc. On the down side, you shouldn't feel that a bloke who flatters you, should win you over like that. I think you need to think how to address your future and consider the 'control' issue (in a successful relationship you must travel together along a river/ road with neither feeling that they must force one or the other to comply to their or your will or direction).

In closing, a bit of the obs, but TRY and ignore the clics because they are full of people who have insecurities and try and mirror this by attempting to humiliate those who haven't either been invited or don't want to get involved - I refer you to Kick Ass, Volume 2 (and the justice metered out to 'the popular girls') - revenge is, indeed, a dish best served cold!!!

[bexx87 in reply to brumatmed]

thank you and I will try and not to make this mistake again and every time i see any member of this clic i turn away and put my head phones in and do work

[Wittycjt]

“He’s just not that into you”, move on. Your a smart person. Another love will come along if you let go. No,sense wasting tears over something that won’t be happening. Onward..Cindy

[Elenor3]

Bexx, your time is precious......don't waste it on undeserving people. Save it for people who go out of their way to do nice things for you and people who are loyal, kind and constant. People who 'blow hot and cold' like your colleague don't make good partners because they are takers, and often they don't really know what they want and that's why they mess you around.....it's cos they're looking for something but their not sure what. These office cliques are also an annoyance if you give them your attention. So don't give them your attention. Your attention is also too precious to waste on those who don't deserve it. Stay cool x

[bexx87]

thanks I do tell myself that there is someone who will be happy to make me happy but its just finding that person that is annoying me

I keep listening to Phill Collins you cant hurry love (mainly because it is up beat)

[spider555 in reply to bexx87]

Phil Collins.. that's where you go wrong 😉 x

[bexx87 in reply to spider555]

lolz

[fuzzyhead]

Relationships are difficult for a lot of 'normal' people. Throw brain injury into the mix and I think they get even harder!

Love always confused me...and still does to a large extent, although I found the one for me already so I'm super lucky in that sense

I never handled rejection well. The one time I stayed friends with an ex it just made it too difficult to move on until eventually I snapped...she'd basically been treating me like her property for about six months *after* we broke up and one night was teasing me about a date I went on with another girl. I hurriedly hung up and sent her a text asking her to leave me alone forever, which I see now was really helpful. It made me emotionally available for when I met my wife a couple of weeks later

Unsolicited advice mode: on.

I imagine it would be a difficult thing to manufacture, but if you can, just remind yourself of how horrible he's been to you and convince yourself that you've have had enough of his s**t. And do you really want to be with someone who's part of a clique? If the answer is yes then fair enough but I make a point of avoiding cliquey people!

I know it's a lot easier said than done though...my heart rarely listens to my head, it was just a perfect combination of things I don't even know how to control that made me move on in that instant. I think in that moment with my last ex, I was ready to understand that she was emotionally juvenile and just not worth the head space. You can't hurry love, but I, for one, can't hurry readiness to see things.

It sounds like this tool is also emotionally juvenile and not worth the head space, but convincing your heart of that might be something else entirely. Hope it goes well!