Dads paranoia

[Devaiur59]

Hi, I only posted a few days ago about how hard it can be looking after my dad with hypoxic brain injury, and although he's improving very very slowly over the last 14 months, and his aggression is not as bad, he has got worse in other areas.

My dad is paranoid about my mum talking to other men, and has always kind of been the jealous kind even tho he has never had reason to be but the last couple of months is has become worse.

My mum can never ever be left on her own with him, and we always have to stay with her but due to his paranoia, not even my husband is allowed past the door as he hates it if my mum speaks to anybody.

My dad and my husband were best of mates before the brain injury, and now he threatened to punch him the other day, now my husband can't visit me while I'm looking after my dad

It's not just my husband, it's any man at all, and literally no man is allowed to step over the door.

An old friend of my dads has just called who my dad has always loved, and my poor mum kept her head down the whole time scared to make eye contact. Feel so sorry for her, as she's so scared all the time, and at least we get a chance to go home and get away from it all, but my mum doesn't.

Even if she goes shopping she is so nervous and phoned up panicking incase it sets him off thinking she's with another man. Can't even imagine how bad it must feel. He shouts her constantly all day and she literally has to drop whatever she is doing and run to him or that starts him off too.

I know she loves him a lot, but she literally looks like she's aged 10 years and looks like she's on the verge of a breakdown. Feel guilty literally spurting out my mum and dads private life, but cant imagine how hard it is for my mum.

She is sad because she has lost what she had with my dad before the brain injury, and I know she wouldn't have him anywhere than at home, but it's hard to see her scared 😳

[keeley24]

So sorry to hear your parents struggles. Is there any BI group near you that you could get your dad involved with? Headway being main one in uk? Maybe if he got out and met more people himself he would have other things to focus on rather than thinking your poor mum is cheating. Also having someone outside the family tell him that his beliefs of your mum cheating are completely wrong and she loves him may make him realise.

[Devaiur59 in reply to keeley24]

Hi keeley, there's a walking group through headway that I did contact, just waiting for them too get back too me. Only problem is, he has really bad moods, and it's weather they would put up with him. We do need to look into it more tho,as we all could do with a break.

He doesn't have the thoughts all day, but when he does, there's literally no convincing him otherwise unfortunately. He's really complicated, because he's a big man too and he's going through a really low constant mood at the moment.

Hopefully in time, it's a phase he is going through or something and the paranoia will stop, well fingers crossed it does. Thanks for your reply

[CJDA94]

Ooh - how awful for your Mum and you. That sounds like such a tough situation. I have learnt that there can be no reasoning with some brain injuries and that is so so hard to deal with. It definitely sounds like you could all do with some more help. People that work at Headway are used to people with brain injuries so I'm sure there will be something for your Dad. Is there any way you could ring the helpline tomorrow and explain this situation and see what they have to say - I've benefited from them so much as a carer - they are there for you, your Mum and your Dad xxx

[Devaiur59 in reply to CJDA94]

Thanks so much for reply, such a crazy time right now. Feel guilty to say I'm finding it tough right now, so need ring helpline see what they can do. Thanks CJDA94

[CJDA94 in reply to Devaiur59]

There is definitely no need to feel guilty - it's a situation that everyone would find difficult to deal with. It's so hard to admit you need help but the relief when you speak to someone that "gets" what you are going through is worth putting the guilty to one side for. I'm sure they will be a huge help to all of you. Take care

[Devaiur59 in reply to CJDA94]

Thank you so much x

[Bards]

Sounds like exactly the situation neuropsychologists are there for. Not sure how available in your area, let alone how easy to sell to your Dad, but...

My local NHS had a great one who kept himself very available so you never know. In your case it should certainly be a priority for both patient and carers' well-being.

[keeley24]

The low mood should eventually pass. I go to a BI group each week and the man who set it up suffered constant low mood for first year or 2 I didn't know him then so only know what I've read or been told but it did pass for him. I don't think he was aggressive with it tho but would guess it would still pass in time.

You will need to make anyone who may try and help your dad aware of his moods and see what they say. It maybe best for one to one talking with someone to start with. Woman who runs group I go to has just this week decided a woman isn't suited to going as she needs constant care and reasurance that someone is picking her up and reminding where she's going. Completely different to your dad but there will be certain people or behaviours that people may not want to take on. Not nice for the people left out but any groups need to think of people who are attending and people looking after them. Like woman at group I go to said if there is one person needing or wanting more attention it makes it harder for everyone and can feel awkward having them there if they don't join in with rest.

[Devaiur59 in reply to keeley24]

Hi keeley24, really good news to think it would eventually pass in time, especially the aggressiveness. On a positive note, he's been great today, and managed to talk him into going for a good walk, so hopefully he is more settled for rest of day.

Thanks for your reply 😊

[keeley24 in reply to Devaiur59]

Have you tried talking to him about his aggressive behaviour or recovery when he's having a good day? Maybe if you did it might help you both understand how the other feels.

[Devaiur59 in reply to keeley24]

Hi, yes, but because his short term memory is affected, he literally can't remember a minute ago. When we tell him afterwards, he gets really confused because he can't remember a thing and he just wonders why we're saying it. Hopefully one day if his memory gets better he will be able to learn from it, but when we tell him now, he has no recollection of it, and then gets upset about it so we just tend to leave it now really. Hopefully one day will change

[steve55]

devaiur59 its starts with not being invited to get togethers, people stop coming around, then eventually the partner cant take any more and leaves.

85% of partnerships where theres a brain injury, ends in divorce.

[Devaiur59 in reply to steve55]

I know, my dads closest friends whom he's know for years don't visit him anymore, even his cousins and other relatives haven't visited him since he had cardiac arrest. Feel so cruel on him, as he as always been such a confident bubbly person, and such a character but people are either seriously offended by him and don't understand his situation, or just don't visit at all. So sad really

[steve55 in reply to Devaiur59]

devaiur59 when you sit with your dad,why not try and talk about about the past, play some music he likes softly in the background.

[keeley24]

Couldn't you try something like writing stuff down for him to help him. I'm guessing he is aware of his short term memory problems as most people are. You could try on a good day explain to him that you or he if he can will write things down that happen to try and help him remember or be aware what happens. You could keep reminding him that you are doing this then it may sink in and help. This may give him some knowledge to how day to day life is for everyone. You could try adding something he likes for him to do or have later that day or whenever to help his memory as people do tend to remember stuff they like more than stuff they don't like. I'm not sure if this will work but it's worth a try as someone has pointed out his behaviour will eventually drive everyone including your mum away. However much you love someone there is only so much you can put up with.

[Devaiur59 in reply to keeley24]

His short term memory is so bad, for instance, when he's eating a meal, he asks for bread, then one minute later when he asks for more and we say no as you have just eaten two(he's putting too much weight on and not good for his heart) he simply doesn't believe us and asks for more as he completely can't remember.

The other day I drove at least half hour distance away with me my dad and my sister, when we got there, me and my dad walked to end of car park while my sister was getting things out the boot so he had only not seen her for 1 minute, and soon as he seen her he was saying omg can't believe we have just bumped in to you here. His memory is totally shot.

We have a light up board at side of bed to constantly remind him where he is, and it's shocking that sometimes through the day, ( not all the time) but he does not recognise anything at all in his own home where he has lived for last 30 years.

I do think writing things down is a good idea, and we really need to think about this as I think it will help. Hope my mum never does leave him, as selfish as that sounds from me as I get a chance to go home and get away from it all and my mum doesn't but feels like our whole family is falling apart since this has happened and feel like we all need to keep it together.

He is aware sometimes his memory is bad because sometimes when I ask him questions, he say sorry I can't remember my brain is destroyed but he can understand why. When I have explained to him that he had cardiac arrest last year and went without oxygen etc and this is the reason why he can't remember anything about his whole recovery in hospital or anything and the other day I asked him if he feels different now to the way he was before and said he feels like the exact same person.

He needs reassurance all day where he is, and what he is supposed to be doing and this carries on all through the night some nights. He has his own business with his brother which he had had for the last 40 years and he constantly worries about that.

He has just had a nap and walked in the room this second and asked me what time his flight is today? That's how confused he is.

We try and give him structure to his day, and some days he helps in the family business which is failing without him but I am glad he doesn't realise this because he made it what it is . Some days he helps, and some days he's just too tired and he just sleeps a lot which we understand he needs.

Suppose all we can hope for now, is that the aggression stops all together eventually so my mum can be on her own, and then we can all get on with our own lives as that's all us, and my mum wants.

We all have a rota to stay over in morning, evening and night shifts but it's so hard as we all have our own jobs, kids and husbands at home who are missing us and some days it's a struggle.

My mum and dad are both 60 now, and I'm hoping and praying that we all pull through as a family as my mum and dad have always been the glue that keep the family together, but now it's literally our turn to keep family together like my dad has always done .

[steve55 in reply to keeley24]

keeley24 my short term memory is shot. i have to type quickly or i forget what i want to say, long term memory is still there.

[keeley24]

Sorry to hear the extent of your dads problems must be very hard for everyone. It would be worth looking round to see if anywhere could provide help. Could be group sessions or one to one personally from what you say I would think one to one would be best. As you say tho with how agressive and forgetful he is you may struggle finding anyone willing to take him on. Group I go to has or is stopping a certain woman from attending and her situation isn't as bad as your dads as she only has problem with short term memory needing constant reassurance and reminding of things. As it is the woman who runs group just had enough this week of having to keep repeating herself and reassuring this woman she would be picked up soon. It is hard as everyone prefers to be with people like themselves so extreme cases are harder to deal with.

[Devaiur59 in reply to keeley24]

I know what you mean, he had a think it was a support worker or something, when he first come out of hospital, and when we mentioned getting carers in to help out, she said they would walk straight out.

Been great today tho, started getting bit of a mood earlier, and learned to just divert his attention which sometimes works, and sometimes doesn't. Hopefully today will work for rest of today, fingers crossed 🤞

[oldbessie]

How very sad, and hard on you and your Mum. This is where I feel carers are let down. You should be able to talk to the Docs or specialists about this, and get support, but normally this just doesn't happen.

Are you not entitled to some respite care? Or have Dad go to a day care centre? I think so often that we care so much about the affected person, it's easy to forget that the family need support and a little care themselves.It is not always possible to bend over backwards all the time to accommodate the needs of affected person.

Sometimes, whatever he wants, you may have to consider some part time day care, or something like that. I hope you find some answer to this .

[Devaiur59 in reply to oldbessie]

Thankyou x