Feeling overwhelmed

[Hannah2329]

Help, my husband has a TBI which he sustained many years ago I've cared for him ever since but I'm starting to feel it's all too much. Back in January I changed jobs from working varied shifts (this would be 1-4 24hr shifts over 7 days) as hubby struggled to cope with baby over night. So I now work Monday to Friday '9-5' but am home every evening and weekend - I'm getting comments at work that my performance isn't good enough. But I'm also doing everything at home tidying, cooking, cleaning, shopping, bathing the kids, changing bed, managing bills etc etc the list is endless - the agreement always was I would work and he would be the "stay at home" admittedly he does the school run / cooks the kids tea if I'm at work but if I'm around he seems to switch off! Our daughter is at school full time and our son who's nearly 2 comes to work with me one day a week so hubby gets a break. I've written lists of what needs doing, I've refused to do it myself, (it doesn't get done) I've screamed and shouted and stamped my feet (I'm not proud of it but I have!) Nothing changes. And nothing is getting done properly

Over the last 12 months we seem to have lost most of our friends (hubby doesn't like going out anyway so doesn't seem to have noticed!)

I've fallen out with my mum who's not talking to me (she's an alcoholic who can't accept / admit that she needs help - last time she babysat for us - 2 years ago - we came home and she was drunk!)

I feel so lonely and upset I feel like I'm always doing something (usually for someone else) and never have time to myself (I'm never in house alone hubby and kids are always here when I am) Back in January I was diagnosed with PTSD (from the events that caused hubbys BI) and PND for which I've been seeing a therapist which is helping on some level!

As per my post last week we're waiting on a pip assessment which I also have to deal with! As a family we are struggling financially and it's really getting to me, I don't sleep well, I miss meals either so the kids can eat or because I just haven't got the energy to cook for myself (if he and the kids have eaten before I get home!)

Non of this is helped by the fact it's Father's Day and my daddy was my world before he passed away! 😢

[cat3]

gov.uk/carers-uk

Hannah, you could contact 'Carers uk' and ask about entitlements for your family if you were to give up work to become a full time carer for your husband.

A DWP assessment could enable you to decide whether this would be a viable alternative to your intolerable workload.

If your husband refuses, or hasn't the wherewithal, to meet you halfway, you need to make whatever changes you can to avoid your complete meltdown ! Please think about it. Cat x

[Hidden]

You do have a lot on your plate! First of all congratulate yourself for what you have achieved. Sometimes being strong and capable is taken for granted when it really is a gift.

Yes you are a carer and sadly the PIP system will probably score your husband very low (I got one point!) as it really isn't designed for brain injuries. You will need to appeal and go through that process to get an award so be prepared for that.

I would strongly recommend that you see your GP re anti-depressants as, once you find the optimum dose (that does take a few weeks to a month of adjustment) it will provide an emotional cushion so that you will not also need to battle the 'wave of desperation' feeling! Is your husband on them by any chance? Too high a dose and it numbs emotions and one simply doesn't care which is not conducive to working relationships...

I would sit down with a friend or perhaps someone in an organisation like CAB and look at your current set-up, what is working and what is not and consider your options for improving it. Being busy with planning also helps to deflect the desperation!

It may help to end each day with listing your achievements to yourself - it will be a long list by the sound of it...

Best wishes

[sca2013]

This has got to feel quite impossible for you. I am so sorry your life is like this for you. Given what you've said, you deserve plenty of credit for all you do. I don't know how you are able to do all of this. You are an inspiration and you definitely need some way to get your needs taken care of. I wish I knew of some resources to connect you to for that I don't other than maybe call Headway. They may have some suggestions. Wishing you are able to find some resources to make your life better.

[Hannah2329]

Ladies I apologise for not responding to you all some time ago but having just read you comments I wanted to share what happened!

In the end I had a full break down at work in June, saw my GP was signed off work, husband got PIP, awarded at higher rate for both mobility and daily living - this was a huge help at the time but turned into a double edged 🗡! I spoke to carers U.K. who completed a benefit check (they are amazing!) within an hour I handed in my notice to quit work and become a full time carer / mum - we were over £10,000 a year better off!)

Life was good for a while but this was short lived - both being home all day everyday caused great tension and we began to argue, the arguments got worse and everyone was miserable! We broke up in Nov but had to stay living together, the arguments got worse and became physical.... in January of this year he was arrested for assaulting me - he’s currently waiting for a court hearing and is not allowed to see or speak to me.... I’ve no idea where he is and miss him massively! I hope one day we can at least be friends - society seems to think I should hate him, but I don’t I can’t and I won’t! What really makes me mad is the amount of help I have now been offered (and I hope he is receiving) why on earth does this help only get offered after our family has been destroyed - why would nobody help us before it got this far (and yes we were asking for help!) xxx