Feeling sad :(

Yesterday I moved my daughter into her uni halls. It was a very hectic day and completely wore me out. I was in a lot of pain so when I got home my o.h. Took me to the coast for a chippy tea.

I got home took all my meds and dropped into bed.

Today I have been helping my son move into her room, cleaning and changing beds as well as cleaning and doing the boys room for my youngest son. I then tackled my ironing and washing. It hit me whilst I was doing the ironing, when my daughter and I would be putting the world to rights whilst she worked at the table, me at the ironing board.

I miss her terribly which is silly as she goes away for weeks at a time to her dads or away with scouts or friends.

I just sat down to eat now and burst into tears. I realise I have been keeping busy to keep from thinking of her going.

I want her to do well and be happy. I know I'm being silly but she was my rock during my recovery, my mentor and carer as well as my friend and daughter. I know I still have my two boys but it's not the same. Nathan needs care he has dyspraxia and aspergers, my youngest is just 13 and more interested in farming and scooters and boy stuff.

I honestly feel bereft.

I wondered if anyone here ever felt this bad when their kids leave home, or if as usual it's just because of this stupid brain injury making things worse.

I have once again knackered myself physically.

I know I will get over it, I just needed to get it out.

10 Replies

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  • I reacted in a similar way when my daughter went off to work in Greece. It was all very jolly when I drove her to the airport, then actually stood on a table in a pub adjacent to the runway to wave her off as the plane taxied past. And she was sitting on the side where we could make visual contact & when I saw her waving back it absolutely broke my heart.

    I also have a brilliant son, which softened the blow, but I think it's the official nature of certain types of parting which gives the situation such a grave seriousness.

    I do believe that once you start to adapt to this new reality (& as you said yourself) it will get easier, but in the meantime I'm sending you some sincere sympathy and a great big hug. xx

  • Thankyou. I'm still feeling tearful. I have spoken to her and she is having a great time.

    I spoke to my mum and she said the same , I never noticed her feeling sad when my eldest brother left home and I was very obviously full of my own adventure when I left to join the RAF at 17, that I never gave it a second thought as to how mum would be feeling. I was one of the few that didn't get homesick at all. I was just pleased to be able to send money back home for her and my little brother as things were very tight at home. All of a sudden I had hundreds of pounds and I didn't have any bills or the need to buy food, so I sent most of it home till I found things to spend money on like a TV and license and a car.

    I know it is the right thing but I do feel like I lost my right arm. I know I'll feel better soon, I just wish soon would hurry up! :)

  • Yes we're all basically selfish, but that's the healthiest attitude I suppose. I remember going off (from Manchester) to work in London when I was 18 and didn't realise, 'til much later on in life, how badly my mum had been affected.

    All I ever thought about was how exciting my new job was & I just assumed she shared that excitement.

    I hope 'soon' comes for you very soon !! :-/

  • Sounds like you have had a very tiring and emotionally exhausting time. You are grieving - of course you are excited and delighted she is happy but you have lost her presence in your life (emotional and practical support) and in some ways you won't have exactly the same relationship with her again as she will spread her wings and change. Be gentle with yourself and cry as much as you need and do whatever you need to take care of yourself and get through. You will adjust but I doubt you can fasttrack through to the other side. Don't beat yourself up - and remember grieving is tiring too. Hugs

  • Hi Danslatete - for all I can forget in 5 mins now - I still remember the days we took both sons to uni - 1 in Bradford from Kent - 1 to Stirling Scotland 2 years after.

    You feel like a piece of you has gone missing - I understand! She will be missing you also - 1st time away from home 'permanently' but I bet within 48 hours, if not sooner, you'll be texting or talking on phone - you'll be asking if she's eaten properly - she'll be telling you about some new, other 1st timers she's met already! She's excited and nervous - probably worried - you are worried - a natural reaction from both of you. Its a been there, done it as well from me - both were between 27-30 years ago for me - so yes I understand how you are feeling now, as well.

    Its like having babies - you always worry far more over the eldest, because they are the 1st experience of everything - from the birth, nappy changing - to 1st day at Infant school and now Uni - you and she will be OK - just remember you are only ever a telephone call away! When mine were born, we didn't have mobile phones - Gosh am I that old? :-) - now we have those, telephone - texting/internet/skype etc etc. She will be OK, she is still your rock, friend and daughter - and of course you miss her.

    I hope the pain has or is easing, you will be OK as well. Shirley xx

  • Thanks Shirley. I think I'll be ok tomorrow, back to work and bushy all day. I just missed our chats, turned to talk to fresh air. Setting dinner plates for Sunday dinner set me off again, it is the only day we all made time to be together at the table.

    I got into a flap because I couldn't make a picture of her in my mind at all. It was a complete blank, it still is and that's what I find distressing. I can see photos but it's driving me nuts not being able to get her face in my head. Today I hate my broken brain.

    I had a bucket of meds to keep me straight today because I have done so much scrubbing cleaning and worst of all hoovering and nearly two & half hours of ironing.

    Why do I do this to myself? I can't eat much either but I can stand to lose a few pounds!

  • Hi danslatete, yes I know what you mean about the 'fresh air' and doing things together.

    What meds are you on? I've found that Betahistine 1x24mg tab per day has helped me enormously over the last 2+ months. Still a long way to go, but getting there.

    The picture in your brain will return - if you are hyped-up with stress - your brain is probably also in overload this weekend. If you can, eat well and sleep well, you will feel better and remember her face in your mind, sooner rather than later. Good luck at work tomorrow.

    Shirley xx

  • My daughter leaves this week to uni too. although I have wished she would have done more to help me ,the knowing she was going to be there was a confort. now she won't be there to remind me and do the running around in the car to shops etc. I know how you feel. I wish I could have felt I have done a job with her and she will miss me but I cannot help feeling I have changed So much since tbi AND HAVE BEEN A PAIN THAT SHE WILL BE GLAD TO GO. HA. parents are usually non dependant on there kids and are ok with them leaving home. but us head porry's find it harder I think . There are always the HOLIDAYS and with my memory ,I forget what day it is so it wont be long before they are home again. x. hehe

  • Hi Zainey, good wishes to you also with your daughter going off to uni. Hopefully a positive tought for you is that because you know she won't be there, it may help focus your mind a little so that you have a good reliable notebook - something the guys on here all said to me last Christmas when I had problems with my computer and passwords. Write it down - now I have coloured notebookbooks, one cover matches colour of kitchen accessories (that's for shopping) another would be if I still had one now, same colour as car - for petrol or something like that. . I have a different one for things I need to buy for the house or my little garden courtyard. Garden stuff goes at back of book so I know what potted plants I bought, if I liked their flowers I put a tick - if no good, cross it out. One for the computer is same/similiar colour to computer lid.

    Hope you get my drift. It helps me, because there isn't anyone here to remind me.

    Stay positive, yes your daughter will miss you, she loves you - pain or not - tee hee!

  • I sorry you seem to have alot on and di hope you dont tire yourself out to quickly to much, my child still young, so i don't know .

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