Hope your all well and getting on with the bi existence we have to endure.
Im having a few problems and need a bit of advice. As you all know I ride and race Moto Cross along with my kids, my son races too and is a very very good rider but we had a set back on Wednesday. We went to practice in Dartford and he had a very unfortunate accident in that he sought a small brick sized rock that was on the track and came off. He broke his wrist and then the saga began. Trips to and from Basildon fracture clinic Wednesday, Thursday & Friday and my wife spitting feathers at me too. She doesn't blame me (well she did really) but all was ok but in the last 3 days she was and has been really off with me, no real chat and communication just stabs and negative stuff. My son Charlie broke his other are just under 2 years ago again riding MX and she wasn't happy then but it passed. Then I had my accident last May which is when I sustained my bi so 3 accidents in 2 years was the last straw for her.
We had a family meeting last night just generally chatting about stuff as my wife wanted to discuss the riding issue and a few other items and it came about that she wasn't at all happy with our marriage and nor were the kids happy with the family unit as they have really noticed that Lisa (my wife) and I are not getting on. I have noticed this myself too but Lisa has her own problems with anxiety which she is getting help with but our relationship has got worse. I really struggle with socialising now and before my bi it was getting a lot better especially after sobriety from 4th Jan 2014 but the accident has shaken it and I do try. Lists is very happy to go out and have Human contact and chat to en rich her life but I just don't need this although when I do socialise at an MX meeting or at work I really enjoy it.
We have decided to go to relate but I'm really concerned that the councillor at relate won't understand brain injury so I'm keen for Lisa to go to headway first and chat with the councillors there.
What would be your advice?
We are both really love each other but have come to a point in our marriage where its tough and I think especially for Lisa as iv changed, she has too but God I know I have. We just need a little help in bringing our connection back.
God Bless. XX Nick
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MXman
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My short answer is 'Yes, you and Lisa should approach Headway for support.'
My medium-sized answer is wondering whether your counsellor would be able to speak with Lisa, or perhaps to attend the initial Relate meeting. (Gods, that sounds a bit 'third wheel', but the counsellor has already started to 'get underneath' you, and the factors that made you 'you' pre-BI, and the ways you're struggling to adapt post-BI.)
The long answer, and you know I'm prone to these long, waffly posts:
There are three factors in play here, the marriage/family dynamic, the changes the BI have made, and the 'risk' of injury. Risk of injury can never be eliminated in anything, it can only ever be managed, unless we all wrap ourselves in cotton-wool, and never leave the house. (Then the cotton-wool becomes a fire-hazard...) The complexities of living with a brain injury are intricate, and wide-reaching, and there's the 'invisible' element, too. The husband, and his family swung from suffocatingly over-protective, to assuming everything was fine because I told them it was, to stop them pestering me. BI is not widely understood, and it changes each of us in different ways.
The marriage is obviously strained, but you both want it to work, so you have a solid foundation to start from. (My foundation had been gaffa-taped, super-glued, and painted over so many times that there was nothing of the original left.) Your family meetings, and the fact that you're acknowledging that there are issues, rather than deflecting back to the issues being someone else's. (trick #397 in my ever-expanding imaginary book of ways to cope with BI is the phrase "That's me, not them.")
The bluntest way to look at it is that if you had lost an arm in the accident, Lisa wouldn't expect you to peel potatoes. Lisa, and the children will still be processing their experience of the accident, (my son's just finishing his A-levels, a year after being taken into one of those horrible quiet side-rooms in the hospital, and being told I might not survive the surgery, or, if I did, I might be 'different'.) just as WE left the hospital ill-prepared, nobody has a crystal ball to tell the families how the future will be, and while they don't have the physical or mental deficits that some of us work-around every day, they have to work-around them, too.
I appreciate that this probably sounds hypocritical, given that I separated from my husband pretty much the day after my last surgery, but we had nothing to 'try' for, and the strain of 'pretending', for the sake of other people, was making my son and I ill, while the husband continued doing his thing, leaving dirty socks everywhere, and expecting me to work full-time, and do everything in the house, because I keep my reproductive gubbins on the inside.
Thank you Gaia, ill ask her to read these replies. O and my post. XX
Hi Nick, speaking as the wife of a bi person, I can understand how hard your wife finds the 'new you'. It is so hard when your other half changes into a different person. I would suggest that, rather than go to Relate, you arrange for Lisa to go for counselling at Headway in the first place. That will help her to understand more about the changes in you. You can then go to Relate later if necessary. Headway will do counselling for partners (I know, I have been) and it may help her to cope and in doing so help your relationship.
I can understand her worry over accidents with your son - she has been through the trauma and after effects of your accident, she must worry all the time any of you are riding. It doesn't necessarily mean she needs you to stop - Mum's do this sort of thing!
Do Headway have trained 'Counsellors'? I know they have people very experienced and knowledgeable about Brain Injury who can support us and our families/carers from a brain injury perspective but my Headway to my knowledge don't have counsellor's. Or are they available in some areas?
Hi Strawberry, I believe it is dependent on the location. Here in West Sussex funds were recently raised to resource a Counselling service, with a nominal £5 charge.
Thanks Mads that what I started wondering. Its that postcode lottery of what happens to be in your area or not which is the same with NHS services for bi - available for some but not for others. I'm in a scant bi services area!
Oh Nick, I really feel for you. I'm not very good at long posts with lots of advice, but I really hope you find a way forward. It must be doubly hard because you both have stuff that you're trying to cope with. I think I'm a year further on than you and have found that the socialising side of things has got easier, I couldn't manage going for a drink with friends for months and now mostly can, so hopefully that will improve some more. I think I would see if headway would speak to you both first, maybe the counselor you're already seeing can see you both. As for the moto cross, I guess it is worrying for your wife but I bet your boys don't want to stop it. I sustained my injury falling off my horse and still ride. We also have motorbikes, you can't live your life wrapped in cotton wool.
Hi thanks for your reply Sue. The cotton wool has been mentioned a few times and I get that, don't want to live my life in cotton wool either. My wife understands that too.
I'm sad to hear this - but it seems to be common for most everyone in the bi community doesn't make it any easier. My immediate thohht (which could be wildly wrong) is that your wife may have an underlying fear that the boys may suffer a bi if accident s are likely in the sport? It's a mum thing I'm sure. I worry (probably complete unnecessarily) about the possibility of something happening to one of my children because it's happened to another of them - irrational I know
Add to any situation one partner with a brain injury and family responsibilities and strain will almost definitely occur...... I really support all the advice above - getting help now is key to stopping the situation from deteriorating further - good luck
Thank you. We must keep talking and discussing these issues and then act upon them. Sorry I have to correct you and sue as my kids are a boy named Charlie 14 and a girl named Katie 16 in July. Im sure Lisa will worry about them whatever we do as you say its a mum thing.
Yes and probably you'll still be worrying about them when theyr 30 lol It's not written in any of the baby manuals - you're not having a baby - you're having a teenager
Yes it is a mum thing,but children need to be allowed to take risks and wear safety gear.i agree that a headway counsler may be best to start with.Yes it is hard to acecept a "new" husband it takes time but if the love and support is there on both sides you will get through
This is a difficult one Nick. One of you has to alter his/her whole attitude to the lifestyle of your family. Either your wife has to accept the possibility that you or your son might sustain injury (possibly very serious) or you and your son will have to give up Moto Cross.
And could counselling can help with that decision which, it seems, is at the heart of this matter ? I suspect if it were my husband and son I'd have to step back and accept that it would be unfair to deny them something which they're both so passionate about.
But would it be fair of them to continue their sport knowing how I live in fear of further injuries ??
It'll take a massive shift in attitude somewhere in your relationship because it doesn't look like a compromise situation. I'm sorry this issue is causing so much discord for you all & I can feel both sides quite keenly.
Has your wife ever accompanied you to the meetings ? I'm wondering whether she might 'catch' the atmosphere and your love of the sport. xx
Hi Cat, Yes she used to go up until my accident last May. She loved the atmosphere and used to take pictures and all sorts but its had a massive effect on her seeing me injured and out cold for over 4 minutes and the after effects of Bi. N
That's actually pretty encouraging surely ? Has Lisa considered the possible benefit of resuming going with you ? Being present when you & Charlie race has to be preferable to being at home worrying, hopefully for nothing ?
Imagination can be agonising ; often worse than reality. So despite past events, it might be easier on your poor wife to at least be saved unnecessary suspense.
Phew Nick....................as I said earlier, it's a tough one !
I know I have a tendency to bang on about the value of counselling for us bi survivors but it may be of even more value for Lisa.
I may be very wrong here but it seems that Lisa's identity is almost entirely based on you and the children and from a certain perspective that could be a really scary place to be!
Not just the changes brought on by your injury or the real possibility of injury to the children but also the , not too distant, prospect of them leaving home for college.
Just an idea but it might be worth a try.........
Each family member to do a 5 bullet point list of
A. What they think are the problems now.
B. What they personally would like for the future
C. what they want for the family's future
If nothing else it would give any future counsellor some ideas.
I spoke to headway this morning and that's what they suggested that Lisa see them on her own which I think is a very good idea. Love the list idea too and I'll get on it. N
Sorry you are facing this problem along with others, life's not kind at times but it does sound as though you both want to work at trying to make it better, especially the fact that you have discussed it all openly and are taking on board the children are noticing problems, which obv is not good and you are both aware of that. I am on the fence with this one as I really feel for you as you enjoy your hobby so much and yes we are all allowed to do what we enjoy, plus your children obv enjoy the same hobby, which yes they should be allowed to as well. However as much as my heart goes out to you in this, my heart also breaks for your wife as I know I for one would want to wrap all three of you in cotton wool, especially now after witnessing how it can all go terribly wrong in a split second. I would be a nervous wreck every time you guys went out on the bikes and I would probably not be able to hide my feelings and I too would be struggling to keep the communication going if I had to keep enduring the worry of my loved ones partaking in something that has already caused the family so much worry. I do tho think that if it is something that you feel so strongly about then it is your choice whether or not you choose to keep doing it but I don't feel you can ever get your wifes blessing when you go biking. I know I couldn't give mine, as much as I would want to and I feel so bad being honest with you here but I just couldn't as I am a worrier and if you were my husband you would mean so much to me that I would be a real headache to you as I would keep begging you not to go. I couldn't see you walk out that door and wonder if you would come back the same man that I loved. I couldn't see me wanting my children to be put at risk doing what injured their father either. I do feel for you and it's just awful what happened when you were doing something you enjoyed so much but love would have to come first for me, not a hobby. Life is for living yes it is and everything has risks and everyone should be free to choose what they want to do and what risks they want to take but as your wife I would be begging you to please choose another! It may be very selfish, I know and lots won't agree with me but if that was my husband I would be pulling him back in the door by the jacket, screaming, crying and begging him not to go. I would try my hardest not to but I know I couldn't cope with the worry. It sounds like maybe your wife feels the same but isn't as open with her feelings as horrible me is but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and I would probably start to resent you for doing it. I really think that unless your wife can embrace your hobby and see why it gives you such pleasure or you can see her reasoning you will both be pulling in opposite directions trying to fix things in other areas of your relationship as the main problem will have a knock on effect. Oh I do feel bad for being so honest with my feelings here Nick but please know it's only my opinion and that I would feel that way due to how much I love my husband and children. Thinking of you and hoping you can come to some sort of compromise. Well done to you for being so open and honest, that's such a great trait to have. I really do admire you! xx
I lived my life with risks - Friends died at college in car accidents and the message I took from it was, 'better to burn out than to fade away'.
I went from one thing to the next, never stopping, burning candle at both ends, pushing the limits of my body. Started to gently take its toll. When I was forced to slow down to rest, the body started to reveal the underlying tiredness which I had been ignoring in the back ground. I ignored the tiredness and continued 'doing too much'. I wanted to be young, free, live life quick before I was dead like my friends.
Then I had a BI. Was it a stroke? Probably a TIA now I have reflected. Losing the use of a limb. Not being able to swallow. Stand up. Hear. See. Think. Communicate. Devastating. Years of devastation. Dreams lost. Goals abandoned.
But not once did I think of the other people, those closest who loved me. What they had to go through. Put up with. Adjust to. Absorb. Forgive. The aspirations they had to let go of. My family strived to support me in the best way they could, while I went through a memory nightmare, stuttering and forgetting names, loss of history, relationships, everything became distant as I fought daily to just get by. I thought I was invincible, ignoring their pleas to slow down, my zest was larger than life, until the BI.
Its only now that I watch them plodding along in their safe mediocre way, enjoying events at weekends, 2 holidays per year with the family and I wonder why I didn't value that approach to life? Here with my : shall I go to the shop at 9pm at night, or will it leave me tired the next day ? Had 1 holiday in 4 years and lucky if I complete my house chores on a weekend!
So you see, BI makes you centric. ALL about you. ME ME ME. and rightly so. When things are not working, basics like breathing, eating, sleeping, keeping clean and tidy, you HAVE to focus on you. But this takes a toll on others who did not live a risky life, choose to live in the steady lane so they can always experience a mild but consistent happiness in life, which enables them to reach out to others when need be, which is safe and warm and comforting. My family look on at me as someone who is living with the consequences of my actions and see me as quite mad, irrational, careless and thoughtless.
Life isn't all about satiating the risk appetite unless you are angry and trying to prove something to yourself. And I was angry! It is about learning to live in harmony with yourself and others.
I think relate is a good next step, be open, life before the BI appeared rosy to me, but perhaps on the mend, return to day to day living and realise, it perhaps wasn't as rosy as I thought it was, perhaps I was living life in the fast lane, and perhaps if I hadn't been so bloody minded, the BI might not have happened. Not the case for everyone with a BI, but certainly the case for me. And your love of high risk motorbikes Nick, comes with consequences, some more long-term than others. That is what they were saying to me all along. Slow down. Did I listen? Its only now, these last four years, my life has been quiet enough TO listen. No regrets. I respect their view now a lot more than I did then.
There is wisdom in taking the middle road. I view life as a roller-coaster, some parts were loop the loop, some parts were kamikaze down and uphill, but I like to think I took the ride recently that evens out a bit, rides more steady and slowly, has some nice sea views and I am able to look around and see the family that I love in the carriage next to me, hear their laughter, and share the view.
Good luck with Relate. Anxiety requires reassurance. How can you be the loving reassuring husband that will hold your wife close and kiss her on the forehead and say 'I'm here for you'? How can you hug your child and say, whatever silly things you get up to, I forgive you, I love you, 'I'm here for you'? Perhaps families aren't like this, but I have seen it in the movies and I know that if I had had children, I would be aiming to say these words and be there, in the way my parents weren't able to say this to me, when I was going through my blackest hour during my teens. I forgive them. I forgive myself. We are where we are. Choices are ours. Be truthful with yourself and others, always.
My partner didnt know me before the accident, so i dont need to go through what you are. But i do see the strain i put on our marriage.
My advice would only be that the people here on this site are probably the best to listen to for advice on going forward - if Heandway do a support meeting for this type of thing if it were me i would go there rather than an off the shelf therapist. I am the worst for forgetting that not many people know much about Tbi life and i am often paying the consequences of poor information/ advice because i havent made the person aware.
Ask yourself how you two were before the Tbi. If it was worth saving then, and shes supported you through all of this and is still around, then it must be a precious thing to save.
Thank you for your reply. I spoke to Headway and they want my wife Lisa to come in on her own but she's on a waiting list and has been since December 2015. I spoke to my councillor on Thursday who said she would see what she could do but Headway do not see couples but individuals only and my councillor could not see her because she sees me. Completely understand that too. Hope fully she will get to see Headway soon as she needs it.
As regards to worth saving yes it absolutely is. Before the Bi we had a fantastic relationship, funny better than it ever was and we've been married for 15 years. Thats all down to AA recovery and the program.
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it's so good to read and really undedstand what you're saying - keep up the long posts 
doesn't make it any easier. My immediate thohht (which could be wildly wrong) is that your wife may have an underlying fear that the boys may suffer a bi if accident s are likely in the sport? It's a mum thing I'm sure. I worry (probably complete unnecessarily) about the possibility of something happening to one of my children because it's happened to another of them - irrational I know 
