Things got worse

Things got worse

Arguments reached the point where I'd rather move out of the house, go live with my auntie or where ever I can get to.

I was close to leaving tonight but I had nowhere to go, so had no choice in the matter.

I'm sick of arguments, I'm sick of being depressed, I'm sick of being fat, I'm sick of being ugly, I'm sick of being who I am now but most of all I'm sick of being here.

Sat in tears on the sofa, shouted and screamed at my mum and dad. Life is a pile of sh** atm. Argument after argument.

Any reason why I'm like this angry useless, depressed and different from how I was before and advice to get back to how I was before would be most welcome

Zoe

P.S by the way I'm in no mood for negative comments, you ain't got no advice or reason well don't reply, feel like utter crap and I garuntee you will push me over the edge

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  • Hi Zoe2345,

    In no way do I wish to upset or make you feel any worse than you are already feeling right now, but I just can not, not reply to your post.

    I hear and feel your anger so very much and I also understand how alone you are feeling right now. TBI is crap, all of it, I hear you loud and clear, as I feel the same about how robbed of my life I have been since my TBI. We are all on this forum I suppose for the same sort of reasons, to not feel alone in this sometimes frustrating & very scary new world we now have been forced to live in. I totally get where you are coming from & just wanted to let you know that lots of us feel like you, I haven't got any answers unfortunately, just that I'm always being told to slow down & stop being so hard on myself, not to worry about anyone else & concentrate on me, one day at a time... Easier said than done hey!

    Maybe it would be a good idea for you to find someone else to live for a bit, to give yourself & your parents a break from it all, you have all suffered so much & must all be so exhausted from the constant arguments. please stay safe and don't live on your own, you need someone around to pick you up on those really bad days... I do hope once again that I have not made you anymore crosser than you already were.

    Sending you lots of very big hugs, as I think you could do with a few right now. Valerie x

  • Nah, I had to be stopped, I had the notes ready, my mates bf but me down and she had to pick me up again, I was stuck in a hole and she's the only one I could count on to give me a hand out

  • Hi Zoe. I'm not the one with the brain injury, it's my husband... But do you know what, if I did have I think I would be feeling exactly like you right now... And the biggest question of all... Why me??? Life is so cruel sometimes & I feel like I want to get in my car & drive right over to you now so I can try & help... Can you get in touch with the Oliver Zangwill Centre in Ely, Cambridgeshire? They are a specialist brain injury unit where my husband has just completed 18 weeks of intense rehab... He said this saved him.

    It helped him massively.... one, accept the person he is now, and two lots of strategies & coping mechanisms for when he is feeling similar to what you wrote above. My email is [removed] if you want to get in touch. There is hope I promise xxx

    [Post edited by admin - please use the private message feature to contact individual members]

  • Zoe, not in anyway a negative comment but we (with TBI) have to come to terms with the fact that life changes. Don't rage against it just let go and move on with the new you. I fell out of a tree, landed on my head, subsequently got a subdural haematoma, lost job, cognative issues etc. My approach is to work with what I have and accept where I am. I hope that you can find a bit of peace. Good luck. Stephen

  • But I want it to be like it was before, and do what I did before, I'm sick of being in pain, my back and shoulder give me constant pain. I preferred how I was before, I want to be like that again

  • Zoe we can all empathise... been there, felt that and worn out the tee shirt... It is natural to feel angry - none us wanted a BI, none of wanted to lose our jobs, relationships etc and more importantly none of wanted to lose our old selves...but we did.

    The harsh reality is that this BI stuff changes things. It changes people and situations and attitudes and we have to find a way to deal with it...and one that will keep us and others safe from harm.

    No matter how much we may wish for it, It is NOT going to be like it was before. Even if we all made a miraculous and total recovery, the sheer fact that we have been through all of this, that our families and friends have witnessed and suffered through it with us, will have changed things . Things will not be the same... they can't be. This stuff changes things....forever.

    BUT just because things are changed does not mean they have to be crappy forever. Different can be good too... even though it is hard to see that from where you are right now.

    You need to get some help - to understand and better manage your emotions and to look at how to move on with your life. It may not be the one you had planned but it is what you have, it is yours and the decisions you make will affect the direction your life takes.

    I would urge you to talk with a professional and I wish you so much luck with moving forward.

  • THIS IS PRECISELY WHY I'VE CUT MY SISTER OUT OF MY LIFE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. SHE'S A SELF CENTRED BULLY & HAS BEEN REALLY CRUEL. I HAD A MEGA BLOW OUT WITH HER COS SHE PUSHED ME TOO FAR & THAT'S IT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED. I'TS SO UNLIKE ME BUT MY MOTTO IS IF IT'S RIGHT FOR ME I DO IT, IF NOT I DON'T.

    OTHER PEOPLE CAN DO ONE. I USE MY BI AS A WEAPON, IF PEOPLE GET ON MY CASE OR I'M HAVING REALLY CRAP DAY I TELL THEM I'VE HAD A BRAIN HAEMORRHAGE & WHAT DO THEY EXPECT FROM ME? THEY SOON SCUTTLE OFF EMBARASSED & LEAVE ME ALONE. .

    YOUR LIST ABOVE IS JUST SO APT. GOD DO I EMPATHISE WITH IT.

    YOU ARE DEFINTELY NOT WORTHLESS IN ANY WAS YOU ARE A COURAGEOUS BI SURVIVOR WHO IS TRYING TO FIND HER FEET AFTER A DEVASTING EVENT. WE HAVE ALL HAD TO GET USED TO THE 'NEW' US WHICH SUCKS BUT YOU DO GET USED TO WHAT YOU CAN & CAN'T DO.MY BI WAS 16 YRS AGO & I HAVE ACCEPTED THAT I CAN'T DO WHAT I USED TO DO. I HAVE FOUND THAT I DON'T REALLY WANT TO DO THE THINGS I USED TO DO, THE NEW BI ME NEEDS OTHER THINGS NOT WHAT I USED TO DO. YOU WILL FIND YOU WILL MOVE IN A NEW DIRECTION WITHOUT REALLY REALISING IT.

    USING THIS FORUM IS A LIFE SAVER, LITERALLY. SOUNDS DAFT BUT IF I HADN'T HAD A CAT I PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE HERE. I COULDN'T LEAVE HIM TO AN UNCERTAIN FUTURE. THEN I FOUND HEADWAY. I SAY ANYTHING & EVERYTHING THAT COMES INTO MY MIND & THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS & GIVES WORDS OF COMFORT.

    PLEASE HANG IN THERE. & TAKE CARE. WE'RE ALWAYS HERE.

  • Zoe, you are young, you have a good opportunity to get yourself back on track. You have time and your life ahead of you.

    Use the opportunity and I agree that you might want to move out to give everyone a break from the trauma of it all.

    Time for a change to break the cycle of how you are living?

  • I've been low like this for years and have not been able to tell my mum or dad, I suppose it's spiralled out of control leaving a shell of what I used to be.

    I look like I used to but I don't feel it anymore, the happy las that used to be there moved out to a happier place, and left this.

    How am I meant to get on track when I can barely get out of bed and out the house, answer me that

  • Hi Zoe, I know a couple of younger (than me) people with head injury who live with their families. Both have 'respite' breaks. One goes camping and other activities with family members, the other goes to stay with a couple for a weekend a month and several weeks during the year, they go on outings and go shopping. It means that you have something to look forward to.

    I get on my husbands nerves and he irritates the hell out of me so I've just been to stay with my daughter for a week again. We seem to get on much better when we've had time apart.

    Do you have a social worker or support worker who could find some help for you? Are there things that you think could help you even if you needed the help of someone to do it? In my experience you have to ask for what you want so make a list. I wanted to do an exercise class but because of poor co-ordination and balance I couldn't join a normal class and keep up. However there was a Pilates mat based course near me which was ideal.

    I hope someone comes along who can help you.

  • So do I tbh, I'm looking for family to stay with atm, but not my mum

  • Have you got a social worker, support worker etc? If you would benefit from a change of scene these people should sort it out for you. You need somewhere safe.

  • No, but I might be after tomorrow

  • Hang on in there. Try to write down what you feel and what you think would help because sometimes in meetings it will all fly out of your head and a bullet point agenda will keep you focused. It also shows that you mean business.

    When you get a rehabilitation program sorted you will be focused on getting the maximum improvement, you're young and your feisty so have the potential to do well.

  • Feisty is one way to put it, but down and depressed, it is hard to get out of bed now, hope this meeting goes well though, with luck I should be able to get some decent help

  • I am sure you will get some support Zoe, I've read all your posts and I know how you feel.

    I was in the same place after my smash, I shut myself away in the garage working on an old bike for a year and trying to swing my leg over it. Motivation to get moving.

    But I was so desperatly angry with everyone and everything.I know how it feel and there is no logic to it.

    I left my home and became homeless without any support. But you don't want to do that and you shouldnt.

    So hang in there and have a good chat with the social worker ! Keep it tidy on the road as us bikers say.

    Write a list of bullet points of what you want to discuss?

    Sending an XXL hug with this post, because I think you need one.

    Bless you.

  • I have now support when I get to college and my anger, seen the lady, she has asked around to camhs and consultant neurologist

  • Zoe darling,

    Its a rubbish situation... The lack of choices and guilt at expressing your anguish over your situation is something others seldom understand.not sure about you but, whilst I am grateful for everything done for me. I am pigging sick of having to be grateful. I too, hav e put on weight 50lbs and have lost my only outlet that I have always used to cope with life's frustrations, going on long walks. I was 38 and years old and 6 months pregnant when I had a massive Brain bleed and I feel less skilled than my. Daughter who's 18 months old now. I have no words of wisdom but just know that there are others who know your torment and the relentless dark hole that Mires everything you try and do. Blessings being sent to you via the electronic cosmos. I have to think that this will get better. Best wishes, Lucy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Hi Zoe new to this site but not new to tbi, I wish you all the best you have great support here from what I read

  • I'm keeping my fingers crossed that your lady comes up with some action. As long as she makes CAMHS aware that they are dealing with someone with a brain injury and that your behaviour and thoughts etc. are those of someone who's had a bang on the head. The Neurology team need to give them a report.

  • Well camhs and a neuropsychologist might be getting involved and they're informing my college, I don't know what they're going to do but it should be okay, just looking forward to improved life and controlled anger, no violent acts no nothing

  • Hi there. At four to six months after me fall, I had a terrible temper, and my irritation levels were so high. I had terrible rows with my daughter-in-law, and that's the reason I came over to the uk. However, I had a heck of a lot of stress caused by selling my business, which collapsed due to me not being there enough.

    Now, at 17 monthe post trauma, I manage to control myself better. I live on me own, since April, but often see my sister, my niece, and my mum and dad. My irritation is still waiting in the wings, but I try and think of other things when getting that feeling.

    I have recently been seeing a phycologist due to my depression becoming intolerable, so the ups and downs are quite normal. I you have a Headway support group near you, then try and get your family to attend. My sister goes to one, and she is so understanding

    Good luck. Cheers

  • I have seen a specialist in after care department. She sed she's goin to refer. W to camhs again, and also go a neuropsychologist (thank god for auto correct) and I might have ADHD and if it's diagnosed then I'll have to be on meds for the rest of my life

  • Well, the positive thing is that you're alive. I must say I had some days when I wondered WHY I was alive. Anyhow, hopefully those days are behind me! I've given up trying to lose weight for now. When my brain is ready, it will tell me. Good luck and chin up!

  • I don't want to be on meds for the rest of my life, I don't want to be labeled, oh look she has ADHD, keep away, she's dangerous. That's what would happen

  • I don't think you will be on mess forever. Sure, I take anti depressants at the moment, but I aim to be off them within a year. If they help me for now, then that's cool. Only people who don't care for you may label you, but the people who do care will understand. Try. Good luck

  • Hey Zoe,

    After a brain injury, a lot of the time, you do feel angry, depressed, and different. We have all changed but none of us are useless. We just have to find out what our new calling is. Things will become easier, when new connections are formed, but an injury won't go away. Depending on how bad your injury was, you might be able to hide it from others, when you heal more, but the injury will still be there. If this is any conciliation, you may feel different, but you are still the same cute girl as before :)

  • Me cute?? Have you seen me when I lose my temper, I've nearly killed someone.

    And they think it's down to ADHD or another form of autism. I ain't a happy bunny.

    I'm being kicked out of the house and I have nowhere to go although I can get them done for abandonment seen as I'm not 18 yet.

    And it's hard to hold myself back when they argue with me all the time. Me being stubborn argues back and the stop button does not stop anything coming out.

    I try to stop it, think about how grandad would think of he was still around, he used to look after me a lot. I know he'd be mad about it, and the thoughts I get when I get angry and low.

    The more I try the more I fail and I am still struggling, I got help now but life is hard:

    I sleep too much or too little

    I drink

    I smoke

    I get violent for no reason

    I am dangerous

    What would you recommend

  • You have impulse control problems. I have them as well. When you act in a violent manner, you are letting the first thought control your actions. Everyone thinks about doing violent stuff, that is partially why those kinds of movies are popular. Still as hard as just stopping your anger is, when you think about reacting in an angry manner, you have to use every amount control that you have left. Understand that it's harder now, but the same way you make a decision as to what shirt you are going to wear, you have learn how to make the decision to not let your emotions show.

    Sometimes ADHD medicine can help a person wt a brain injury, because keeping attention is harder now. Still you are definitely not autistic. Do they honestly know that what you are suffering from is a brain injury? That is another reason why controlling your emotions, is so important now. Doctors easily misdiagnose and prescribe medicine to try and deal wt anger issues. I was taking medicine for over ten years, that only made me more confused. The confusion only led to more anger.

    Alcohol ... it took me close to 20 years after my injury to figure out, but everything suffers when I drink. I might not notice it, because alcohol causes you to forget things. Forgetting is what you do not want, after a TBI. Life may suck, but will stink even more the next day when you wake up, after drinking.

    Smoke, do you mean cigarettes? They shouldn't really cause, any harm, to your brain, except in the way they cut off much needed oxygen to it. They can cause cancer, breathing problems, plus a myriad of other issues, not to even mention the financial aspects, so it's probably not a good idea.

    Do you mean pot? If it you can obtain it safely, and it's legal where you live, it is a whole lot calmer, and safer then alcohol. Still I wouldn't use it, until you are a lot more comfortable wt yourself post injury. The first time I used it post injury, it kinda freaked me out. I didn't use it again for another 5 years, but now I get some benefit from it. The THC, actually helps me too understand how my brain works, and how and why I forget. Also I've learned how to pay closer attention, and see the trees in the forrest. The benefits help me even when I haven't used for almost a month. Still again I wouldn't use it, until you feel a lot more at peace wt yourself :)

    No one is violent & dangerous at heart. Injuries to the pre-frontal lobe, can cause problems in making quick rash decisions, but in time, you will learn how to control your emotions better. May be having some time away from your parents, is for the best.

  • I have been from a young age, never had control from a young age and had too much energy to burn from a hound age.

    So I've been told it's possible I have it and it's a high chance giving my temper and energy and my stop button not working

    I smoke fags, not pot btw

  • I guessing that your from the UK, because in the states we don't call cigarettes fags. As far as your injury goes, smoking them is basically okay, but is extremely unhealthy.

    If you had trouble getting your stop button working, even pre injury, it will be very hard now, but of course not impossible.

    Even though, I am generally anti pharmaceutical medication, ADD medicine, might actually help you. Still I would really try to control your anger, in the immediate future, so that you aren't over prescribed. If that is the direction they pursue, I'm thinking it might help your present mood, and also help the attention problems, that you experience from your injury.

  • Meds make me confused as f**k, even propranolol on a small dosage, made me confused as f**k so I stopped taking it

  • Have you been off all meds ever since your injury, settled down a bit. Agreed that some medications can really confuse you after an injury, but maybe some of the confusion could be from your injury, and not the meds alone. Perhaps if you could be in a really safe place, the doctor could slowly start weaning you off all the medicine, just to see how you do med free. Although you are acting very angry and violent now, perhaps the reason is a combination of your injury & the meds, and not the injury alone. When you are med free it would give the doctor some place correct to start treating your condition. I still really think that ADHD medicine would work, but not until you are off of some of your other medicine. For me, I'm actually considering ADHD medicine 20 years post injury. All of my cognitive traits are now fairly strong except for attention. I'm not sure how ADHD medicine works, but the the part of my brain that focuses on attention doesn't seem to work well. I guess I'm just curious :)

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