Memories of hospital

[Ro_76]

Morning all, this is on my mind now so I need to air it here. I pass Kings the hospital I was in with my TBI each week I work in London when the train passes it. Even after 18 months it still brings any memory I have back (and there are very few).. from what my family have told me anyway. It Troubles me why after all this time it still upsets me. I keep trying to say stop and think how lucky I am to be here, but the tears still come. Does anyone else have this? Obviously when we have appointments back there it would do this.

Have a good day xx

[Julesgettingthere]

Hello Roz 76, Jules here

Yes, i do too (guessing a lot of us do)

One of mine is the Humber Bridge, some are in London where i traveled to for a lot of my earlier check ups.

I dont think that will ever change with me, maybe with some people it does.

Hoping your spirits are higher by the time you read this and that your day goes OK ish

Kind regards

Jules

x

[swedishblue]

Ro, is it possible you're suffering some form of PTSD? It's very early days since it happened and it wouldn't surprise me if they were linked. I do understand your reasons for upset as it affected me for a while. I didn't enjoy my hospital experience, and found it very depressing and upsetting.

[Ro_76 in reply to swedishblue]

I hadn't thought of that swedishblue. I do suffer from anxiety (used to get panic attacks before my injury) and depression in the past. I guess most of us must go through this re-thinking all that we remember from our injury. It's the unknown I hate, nobody tells me and I lost around 9 days of my memory. I only recall the last day or so in tiny amounts of my stay in hospital. Family do not tell me as it must be bad so best not to know. We all must have this on here.

[Hidden in reply to Ro_76]

Hi, I have no memory of the hospital as I only started 'recording' after I was discharged - just few photos with a smiling nurse on watch at the foot of my bed. But your comment about the 'unknown' struck a chord. TBIs are all unique - plus they cannot even tell exactly what was damaged and how it is doing - unlike broken bones for example. We know remarkably little about the amazing brain even though we have good images now of the structure with MRI. Patients with physical injuries do get statistics reeled off based on similar injuries but these are just stats not 'knowns' as such. I would strongly recommend dropping the concept of 'knowing' as almost irrelevant - but then I did read philosophy at uni and long ago learnt the shortcomings of this!

However the brain is doing the best job it can - juggling the demands on it but occasionally having to be assertive on the conscious mind. Cooperating with it is our best bet - sleep, hydration, diet. When our unconscious mind - which runs the ship - is forced to pull the plug on the conscious mind it is easy to be shocked/annoyed/afraid but I have found that cooperating and assisting is far easier. I now see myself as a handmaiden to my brain in its phenomenal task! We are more of a partnership now.

Your path is your own and no doctor can play a role unless something physical happens. They are more about critical care and maintaining the body whilst the brain sorts itself out... Hope this helps! (Being an active partner in the recovery process is actually very interesting too). BE

[Rufietufie in reply to Hidden]

Thanks CarolineLD, I am five years into my new life. You propose a way of being, thinking and cooperating that I have not heard or read before. I suddenly see new and very inspiring ways to live with myself. Thanks. ID

[RogerCMerriman]

Yes though for myself it's more a general this feeling emotional, I very rarely go back to StGeorges it's not worrying just feeling a bit preculia!

I even watch StGeorges on TV via 24hrs in A and E

[Ro_76]

Roger I do the same and put myself through watching 24 hours in A&E. It is interesting though.

[RogerCMerriman in reply to Ro_76]

I always been interested in such stuff, so no change there!

[cat3]

I have a similar relationship with Salford Royal in Manchester. Approaching the hospital building for my first recall appointment my emotions took me completely by surprise and I was suddenly in floods of tears ( unusual for me). Associations can evoke powerful emotion and, let's face it Ro, the sight of a place where our lives hung in the balance is always going to have a big emotional impact.

But you can de-mystify those emotions by giving them some dialogue, such as 'There's Kings, that brilliant, safe place which gave me back my life' thereby turning the situation around and starting to see the hospital with affection, and even pleasure ??.................I hope so. Cat x

[Hidden in reply to cat3]

As I have no memory of the Royal Surrey County Hospital where I was in ITU and now live hundreds of miles away in Wales the main hospital that I visit regularly is actually where both my children were born - and that is very positive. I have wondered whether the rapid pain free deliveries were a result of the post head injury relationship between my conscious and subconscious brain. Both times I was totally unaware of first stage which my midwives had never come across before! It was as though my brain was confident in my cooperation and did not use pain to clobber me during that most important of all life events...

[cat3 in reply to Hidden]

My goodness Caroline, what a vast assortment of experiences we share here on Headway. xx

[Ro_76]

Thanks Cat, yes you are correct I need to have a positive thought instead. I did try to do it today looking at the park next to the hospital. There is a band stand in it where my mum and I sat waiting for one of my appointments. Inside it was a man doing tai chi, which was interesting to observe. I should think about that instead. I did thank the staff a few months following from my stay in hospital, as I hold it very dear in my heart what they did for me. Better to think that way and not get tearful. Thank you xx

[moo196]

Yep - I have that emotional response any time I have to go to Addenbrookes. I already felt "wobbly" about going there any time for other things before BI- because my mum died there aged 48 when I was just 22.

For me the experience of BI there overwhelmingly was all about it being the time when they were swapping to computerised notes so it was chaos that weekend - and I was in need of treatment NOW . I was sent home twice to suffer more seizures and possible damage.

However - I try to manage my negative feelings about the place with memories of how kind everyone was and once admitted I got the best possible care for my condition.

Any other times I have to visit for self or anyone else I try to calm myself beforehand and remember the people - not the place. And if I need minor other treatments I choose another hospital if possible.

Have a good day all !

[Ro_76]

Hello Katie yes it is Kings College hospital I was in. I was there in July 2015 also for 10 days. First HDU then The David Marsden ward I think. My memory of it is very limited, vague bits from the ward in the last day or so. Mine was a bleed a day after a fall, discovered from a seizure. I've since had another one a week before my year was up for no driving. Typical! I am fortunate to be back at work but I do have problems with short term memory, anger (suddenly over silly things), small head pain sometimes in same back area of head, and problems with noise that your average person will not notice. No sense of smell must be strange if you didn't have it before. Is your sight now badly affected? I have noticed mine is not as good but am not sure if that's more to do with my age.

I returned to Kings for an EEG after my second seizure and have since had two appointments following that cancelled. So I am still waiting to hear what they found. It was probably nothing as it's taken so long. So I guess that must be on my mind each time I pass the place... Sorry I do also talk more and don't always know when to stop! Hence my long message here...

All the best to you nice to meet on here xxx