In Search of Me

[Kirk5w7]

Hi all. Woken early again, 2 hours ago to be exact and just been lying here thinking, not good I know and wondering what happens now.

After reading the posts recently and doling out my brand of wisdom! I thought it was about time I lived y it myself.

It's been a tough 4 years fighting back to where I am now but there is still a way to go before I can say I am satisfied.

I do a lot of analysing myself and the situation. Yes my illness was bad, much worse than I care to admit but I've not done fighting yet.

So action now to be taken: I'm so unhappy when I see the recent holiday photos, 15 extra kilos does not sit well on me so action, join the gym the only way to shift it is to increase the exercise, 2 sessions of swimming a week is not enough so I must add the gym in. I had a look at it last week and there's lots of machines in there I can use so all good.

I'm going to get hubby to print me out copies of a photo taken at my daughters21st in Dec 2010, just 14 months before my illness, that's the real me the one I want to get back to. A copy is going in my purse and one on the fridge, although I don't overeat, I do indulge in the odd ice cream or biscuit, I have to stop it one extra calorie is one too many.

Monday starts my counselling, I hope this works, I need to get the anger out that's not helping.

Wednesday sees the appointment at the neuro-optometrist see if he can help with my balance issues. I know the loss of peripheral vision doesn't help that, he may find something else that's been missed.

And I found a website yesterday for neuro-physio so may go for an assessment with them, the physio after discharge left so much to be desired, if I have to pay so be it, I know we shouldn't have to, but principles are all well and good!

So, 1st Aug 2016 hopefully is the start of my new quest, I'm even feeling like I can try driving again now. My GP said never say never, and the spatial issues j had seem to have settled ow, so maybe now is the time.

Sorry it's a bit long winded, but the optimism has crept back in thankfully.

Take care all

Love Janetx

[BaronC]

Hi Janet,

I too have been awake for hours and a nice positive post is just the tonic in the stupid hours, with the cat on my knee and sleep escaping me once more. It's great to read you in such an upbeat mood. You can do it and you will do it, because you want to. And you have an online community behind you all the way!

Keep on keeping on

Andy x

[Kirk5w7 in reply to BaronC]

Thanks Andy,

The positivity escapes me more frequently now, but there is only me going to improve my lot so I'd better get on and do it hadn't I.

I've done so much over the last 4 years but not so much in the last 12 months, so how's the time.

I keep hoping I'll get help and support but that's even slowing down from my partner, I guess I must be a pain to live with at times!

So now's the time to emulate the old me and if the roof needs fixing and we need a new fence and the whole house needs redecorating I'd better get off my bum and if I can't do it myself I'll get someone in, all those jobs need someone in I used to do the decorating but that's a step too far now, he'll just have to pay the bills😀.

And, I need to chase him over the trip to Lincoln before much longer, he's even got a voucher for a hotel stay we could use, keeps saying he'll sort it then does nothing.

Enough's enough, this is my life and I want it back!

Have a good Sunday xx

Janet

[Kirk5w7 in reply to Kirk5w7]

Yo know I may even post the before and after photos of me on here. Pre illness and now, that'll mean I need to do something .😈

[BaronC in reply to Kirk5w7]

Ooh, which hotel???

[Kirk5w7 in reply to BaronC]

Sorry Andy, so rude of me. I post and then navigate away from the site, then have to log back in.

Not sure which hotel, I'll chase him up on it later, he got the voucher as a bit of a bonus for a job well done, but there's a few we can choose from in the Lincoln area, so must put a bit of pressure on.

J

[Hidden]

Hi Janet,

You have come a long way since your illness four years ago. Isn't it weird when sleep is evasive, that the best plans are made. Good on you with your positive goals. I will be keeping a look out for updates on your progress. The wise saying 'you have to learn walk before you can run' holds true. Sounds like you are getting there. Claire xx

[BaronC in reply to Hidden]

Ooh, it's exciting, myself and the Baroness are now playing 'Guess The Hotel'

[Kirk5w7 in reply to BaronC]

I will get back to you today, I've told the other half I've told you we are going to Lincoln so it's got to happen now.😀

[BaronC in reply to Kirk5w7]

Any time

[Kirk5w7 in reply to BaronC]

It's going to have to be tomorrow now for the Lincoln trip to be planned evidently he needs access to the work's computer! I won't forget!!!

Jx

[Kirk5w7]

I'm determined Clara, speaking with my sister last week I said that I felt like I was just waiting for death, in effect my life was over. How sad to feel like that when 5 years ago I had so much planned for my retirement. Well, I'm going to do my damndest to make those plans happen. If I have a bad few days like the ones I've just gone through, then I'll sit them out, I know eventually I'll feel better again.😀

J

[Hidden in reply to Kirk5w7]

Some days are better than others as we know. Are you going to start counselling this week? It will help make sense with what you are felling, hopefully. Claire

[Kirk5w7 in reply to Hidden]

Yes the counselling starts Monday, I've dodged it for so long , I analyse myself and I'm sure I know the problems but I need to hear it from a professional. If it doesn't help, anti depressants here I come! I know they work, and I only need very low dosage.

[angelite]

Hey there you, I found you : )

Lovely positive post - so good to hear : ) I noticed in a recent reply you were not quite your usual contented self ( Hey, no judgement ! When looking back at my posts since October , one stands out in particular for it's massively resentful content, lol ! ) Luckily for me, these phases are short lived and I bounce back to my default 'Worked through, accepted, next ' setting. If you need a little extra help with talking therapy/ meds then so be it - it's about whatever works for you : )

I went to a private physio ( paid for by son, bless 'im ) to get an assessment statement - she did me proud, getting the all important Romberg and Babinski words down on paper for me, my way of fighting back against a system that refused to acknowledge my issues ! ( They would not listen, they did not know how...perhaps they'll listen now ...lol ! ) It had the desired effect - GP actually called me in for an appointment to acknowledge the receipt and content of the letter and bump my neuro appointment up if poss. Am due to see neuro on Thursday. It was a useful information source for PIP too. I would definitely have considered a few private sessions, esp. regarding balance, if funds allowed ( sadly PIP award will be going mostly on bills ! ) Here's hoping I may get referred to neuro physio, as she suggests in her letter and get some ideas to take home for exercises : ) No miracles expected but let's give me the best chance : ) I remember I had a slight unexpected improvement in core strength at the year and a half mark, first time round - your GP is quite right to say ' Never say never' : )

Good to hear that you have been scouting out the gym and there are machines that appear suitable for you and you are considering driving again, too - best of luck with both : )

I was looking at an old calender my sister got me one Christmas, the other day - it was called 'Tottering by Gently', a play on words for an imaginary village place name and involved cartoons of an older, slightly doddery and not quite 'with it' couple and their pet labradors escapades. Makes me laugh how appropriate it is these days : ))

Take care Janet,

Hoping you can make all your plans happen,

Angela x

[angelite in reply to angelite]

tottering.com/product_info....

So true : )) x

[Kirk5w7]

Hi Angela, I too had noticed that negativity creeping in on me, so, time to kick it back into touch again. I can surprises the anger most of the time, anger at losing the old me and way of life mainly, but no one likes a whinges and moaner so I'm going to do something about it😀.

I'm so glad your persistence has reaped its rewards now, hopefully it will get a little easier for you now.

While out today I bumped into the nurse who cared for me in hospital when I was just coming round from the coma, amazing, there were teary eyes on both sides, she was amazed I was doing so well. Positive day all round.xx

Janet

[angelite in reply to Kirk5w7]

How wonderful, meeting your nurse again : ) 'Tis a good omen x

[aqua4]

Hi Janet, great post, hope it goes well this week.

You may not realise but you've been a massive support to me and many others on here.

It's your turn now. Kx

[Kirk5w7 in reply to aqua4]

Thank you Aqua, I'm great at doling out the advice and support but don't always practice what I preach. But that changes now, I've started today, changed my routine to include more rest and I really must have some time when I don't attempt to multi task.

And I'm still contemplating that book😀

Janet x

[Hidden]

Hi Janet

It is lovely to hear that you now in a position to choose to change things to re-discover yourself.

It can be quiet a journey to look at oneself to work out what you really want and it's a good path to start on. It is also good that you have supportive people to help you along.

On my journey to recovery I have had to done less to 'rediscover' myself (as I have changed since my accident and have had to discover the world much like a child).

I can't speak for anyone else but I did start taking multivitamin supplements, eating lots of fresh fruit and veg, went on short walks and then progressed on to running outside in the woods to improve my balance, learnt to swim again, attended dance classes and did yoga once a week.

I have had a challenging time with my balance too also being on a crutch and a sling to support my fractures. Over time I have discarded the crutch and sling.

With patience and consistency I have found that joining the gym was one of the best things I did for boosting my morale, making new friends and helping with improving my overall wellbeing.

Keep up with the gym and keep your optimism flowing...it all helps with improving your overall wellbeing and health.

Take care,

May

[Kirk5w7 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you May, I've been able to swim since early on and I'm hopeful that running will eventually follow. I take D3 and fish oils but that's the extent of the supplements I take.

It's funny how you have to progress through stages on the recovery path, dependant on how extensive and repairable the pathways are in the brain.

I've always likened my recovery as ages of childhood, I reckon in some ways I'm around 11 or 12 now, in other ways the adult me came back very quickly.

I remember the times I would look in the mirror and I wasn't there behind my eyes, I'm back now and I can smile and laugh spontaneously now, that wasn't always the case. It's strange experiencing that growing and learning process and remembering it now.

In many ways I count myself privileged to do so, it has given me great insights into how some people's brains must be wired, I can see and understand the way my youngest son's brain works now, I thought he was being difficult deliberately, but I now see what he deals with, there is a possibility he is on the aspergers spectrum and has his assessment in October, it would explain a lot.

So thank you again, it is good to know there is such genuine support here.

Take care Janetx

[Hidden in reply to Kirk5w7]

Hi Janet

The swimming will massively help rebuild strength and encourage better balance. When you are ready, take the running slowly especially if you have any balancing issues.

I had to go very slow to start with, little steps everyday. I found that joining a gym was so helpful at gradually building up my strength and confidence.

I've gone from child to adolescent, in about 7 months. I totally understand what you mean by getting an insight into how some people's brains are wired. I'm realising that it's a real gift to experience life in this way.

As the accident affected my cognitive functions, I found that I had a lot in common with people with dyslexia. My brain processes things differently now. I find and try to develop new ways for me to navigate the world.

One lady I met in my local poetry group likened my recovery to being like a 'second childhood'. I've found writing poems to be hugely beneficial for me. It is oddly fun like playing with Lego - has helped my brain make creative connections and with expressing myself/ideas better.

I hope that your son and you keep well whatever the outcome from his assessment. It is great that your mind is open and willing to understand any challenges that he may be facing, whilst still remaining positive in the face of your own.

Warm hugs,

May

[sospan]

Thats some epiphany hope you are successful in your targets

Maybe we should have a running thread "change one thing about ourselves"?

[Kirk5w7]

Sounds good Sospan, I'm realistic to know if I achieve what I want it's not going to happen overnight, it's taken 4 years to get to here, if it takes another 10 that'll be fine, and if I don't achieve everything then what the heck, at least I tried.

Take care Janet x

[cat3]

Hey you, good luck tomorrow ; hope you'll come away enlightened and inspired. I have to be at Withington hosp for 8.30am in the morning (neuro dept) so should be fun dicing with rush-hour traffic !

Let's catch up later............................. xxx

[Kirk5w7 in reply to cat3]

Absolutely x

[sister12 in reply to cat3]

Hi Eileen, It's Jenny here (Janet's sister) Not been on this site for such a long time. Janet keeps me up to date with your activities. So sorry I haven't been able to meet you for a while, but not well enough now. If all goes well, maybe in 6-9 months I may be in remission and I can join in on the coffee mornings again. I do miss our get-togethers. Take care and keep up the positivity. Much love and hugs. Jenny. xxx

[cat3 in reply to sister12]

Oh............. WOW........... is my first reaction Jenny. It's so good to see you, in print at least. I've followed your movements like a stalker these past months so it's just lovely to be in contact with you again.

I do understand the ramifications of what you're about embark on, and I know you've had many reservations, but I shall be 'praying' in my own way for the best possible outcome for you ; I can't think of anyone who deserves that more !

I have such admiration for you my dear .............. oops, a tear or two now... and nothing would please me more than sitting across from you with a dish of apple crumble and a cappuccino !!

Janet has kept me informed over the months and I'm sure will continue to do so. Please keep in touch if you're able but, if not, you can be sure I'll be thinking of you. Thank you Jenny for this contact, and for taking those great big steps towards coming back to us. You're a lovely lady.

With lots of love and post-dated hugs, Eileen xxx

[sister12 in reply to cat3]

Thank you Eileen, the tears are on my side now! What will be will be, we can only fight these afflictions and do our best. Much love again. Be seeing you before too long I hope. By the way I have two new grandchildren on the way. One due on 27th January 2017 and the other due on the 28th. If they are not worth fighting for then I don't know what is. xxx

[cat3 in reply to sister12]

Good sentiments indeed Jenny. So it seems like we're all looking forward to 2017 one way and another. See you then m'dear !

Loads of love. xxx

[Gaia_rising]

Brilliant post, Janet.

I had my own epiphanies recently, and I think I probably needed a kick up the proverbial to keep me focused, a couple of external/beyond my control issues have me creeping towards the 'no point' stage, and I will not have that.

The world doesn't revolve around me, but I'm the only one who can keep 'my' world turning.