Anniversary

[Candace8]

It's 6 year anniversary on Thursday. The day my life ended. Everything I knew, gone. Replaced with pain, pain and everything gone, just gone. Why do I feel like this every year . I don't want to be here, I don't want to fight, my brain can't cope, I want out

[Candace8]

HELP ME GUYS PLEASE

[moo196 in reply to Candace8]

Hi, tomorrow is another day...another day the next and so on.....try to focus on something for next weekend maybe?? (Hugs)

K

[Candace8 in reply to moo196]

Thank you moo. My daughter left for uni so my job done. Bad night I guess. Will feel like this till Friday. I died that night so why keep me alive with stupid tubes. It's not fair. I don't want to be here now xx

[moo196]

Kids will always need you, even if at university......believe me!! ☺

You must be proud of her....which university?

I m just watching rerun of the Elton John set from Hyde park.....

[Candace8 in reply to moo196]

Sunderland xx

[Candace8]

Thing is I'm not proud of her, it's just hhhmmmm. Whatever. She stopped being my daughter the day of my crash, the day I forgot I had a child. She's an intruder and I'm glad she gone. Iv done my job and false smile. Why should I keep that false smile. I died that night and the person they bought back isn't the same person xx

[moo196]

Hope she is enjoying it ☺ can you visit maybe in October? I used to be allocated a "visit" weekend sometime during each term x

[Candace8 in reply to moo196]

I don't want to visit. She gone like everything else. Xx

[Candace8 in reply to moo196]

I WANT OUT . Simple as xx

[moo196]

I hope you find another way through this dark phase......

Are you able to do any volunteering to help others ?

[Candace8]

Nope I'm not. Like you say it's a dark phase. I just wish I could be murdered as there no way of gaurenteed death . Iv googled it many times. There must be away but with my luck I would survive so getting murdered is the only way xx

[Hidden]

You absolutely must visit your doctor tomorrow. You need help to get through this. Also give Headway a ring first thing in the morning.

Death is not the answer, your family would be devastated. Several family members of my husband have committed suicide and it is the most dreadful thing. It solves nothing, Your life is valuable, you have almost lost it once, it is precious. You just need to get through this bad patch and learn how to deal with these thoughts.

Please, please visit your doctor or hospital and ask for immediate help. We all care about you and don't want anything to happen to you.

You should be proud that you have produced such a clever daughter, a job well done if she is now able to go off to uni and cope by herself. Now her mother needs some love and care.

Jan

[Candace8]

Hi Jan, I will contact doctor tomorrow to help me through this. Getting an appointment is near impossible though xx

[Candace8]

Prob won't get appointment though xx

[Hidden]

You go to the doctors and stand in the reception until they see you. Failing that go along to A & E. I have been reading back over your posts, you have come such an amazing long way, you must be a very strong person to have done so well. Don't let this 'blip' spoil it,

Thinking of you and sending you strength and good wishes.

Jan

[lew-ann]

Just messaged you

Lewann xx

[sospan]

I would see it like someone whom needs to be resuscitated - life stops but restarts, in the majority of cases they are never the same physically or mentally and in all cases their outlook on life changes after their second chance.

You have also been given a second chance, ok you haven't been given a clean slate to restart with but it is upto you to write what you want on it.

[Hidden]

My daughter leaves for Uni this week too...

Head injuries in 1989 have left me in bed on oxygen most of the time as I do not breathe enough automatically. Yes life took a very different path from anything I expected and my mother dying suddenly and my father, brother, sister and their children promptly dumped me and mine without saying why, we got into debt and now I have significant memory problems.

My 'happy pills' - carefully managed/adjusted (once I found one that seems to suit me - it is a long process!) act as an invaluable cushion. When I am ready I have a cylinder of pure nitrogen to swap for the oxygen. And there are so many who have to put up with more in this world of ours that I am managing to 'keep my balance' fairly well.

I would only offer the thought that you are in control of your life and yet you do not feel that you are? Perhaps work on that and make some decisions, however small. I find that helping others is also empowering - and being so 'static' does mean that I am available!

[cat3]

Oh Candy, your desperation today looks like a culmination of the anniversary of your crash and your daughter's leaving.

Your relationship with your daughter is obviously a complicated one and her leaving seems to have stirred feelings of resentment. I know you've been looking forward to her leaving but, all the same, I wonder whether you're having sudden feelings of abandonment.

And Thursday is just another day on the calendar ; when you think about it, every day is an anniversary.

Keep talking to us about what you're doing and thinking, and hopefully we will see you through this awful low period 'til you can wake up feeling it has passed.

Are you able to get out & about Candice ? xx

[Candace8 in reply to cat3]

Cat you hit the nail on the head in that. I am able to get out and about but just won't at mo. Sitting in my house sulking is easier. I have rung the doctors though and just waiting for them to get back in touch xx

[cat3 in reply to Candace8]

That's good Candy. Tell them what you've told us and that you seriously need help ; don't let them fob you off.

Please let us know how it goes won't you.................and remember we love you. xxx

[Candace8 in reply to cat3]

Thank you so much cat xx

[cat3 in reply to Candace8]

xx

[Candace8]

Cat, just had doctors ring and they giving me some tablets to help me through next few days so I shouldn't have any more meltdowns 😰xx

[cat3 in reply to Candace8]

Do you mind me asking which tablets your GP prescribed Candice. And have you actually got the tablets or just the prescription ? (sorry for the 3rd degree !) xx

[Candace8 in reply to cat3]

Yeah they just sleeping tablets zopicclone . They have to be careful cause of all the other drugs I on xx and no I don't mind you asking xx

[cat3 in reply to Candace8]

Thanks Candy. I hope they help. I have Temazepam for sleeping ; I take them early though just to get a couple of hours of 'calm' before bedtime.

How're you feeling now ? xx

[Candace8 in reply to cat3]

Blown away. Grief. Couldn't say what year is was last night let alone month or date or day. Blimey xx

[cat3 in reply to Candace8]

How're you feeling today Candice ? Did you sleep ? xx

[Candace8 in reply to cat3]

Feel out of it today. Can't do anything but I couldn't give a monkeys today about time of year. It's like someone just took my brain out. I slept last night but woke many times. My anxiety was going mad and I kept waking in a state of panic, was horrid but a lot came out that I must of been thinking about. It was like a book had opened. Now I know what is going on up there and actually feel relieved. I can deal with things. Brain so weird and I say that after 6 years, it does and thinks random things. I'm beginning to realise I will never know what's going on up there even after all this time. Because I have no memorie seeing it all like I did last night makes me think no wonder Iv nearly lost the plot ,,,,, again. This drug did very strange things last night, showed me things I didn't remember so I feel good today, well mentally good physically pants xx

[cat3 in reply to Candace8]

It's possible the sedative effect of the drug has allowed thoughts to flow with less resistance . I'm so relieved you're in a better place today Candice ; please try to cosset yourself a little with whatever pleases you most.

I'm off out now but maybe we can chat again this evening ?

See you later m'dear. xxx

[Candace8 in reply to cat3]

Speak later enjoy your day xx

[cat3 in reply to Candace8]

How's your day been Candice ?

I'm just back and wondering what to eat. Might just make an omelette ; too tired to do much else.

I'm going to watch the new drama on Channel 4 @ 9pm with Julie Walters ; looks interesting.

What're you doing ? xx

[Candace8 in reply to cat3]

Nowt still, just chilling. Good drugs or what. Not taking one tonightcause I stuff to do tomorrow . Xx

[cat3 in reply to Candace8]

What sort of stuff ?

[peaches2]

Hi Candy, I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so awful! You have done so well to come this far and you can keep going further! It is so difficult when your child leaves home, you feel useless, whether or not you get along they are still your loved one and it's as if you have been left behind after doing your absolute best for them! That along with the anniversary of the crash is hard to imagine but you will get there, you sound like a really lovely lady who has battled hard to be where she is today, so keep remembering how strong you can be! It would be so good if we all just lived round the corner from one another...we could pop the kettle on and lift each other up. It would be great if you managed to get yourself out when youre able, even if it's just something simple....that's what I did remember when I had the radiotherapy and was all alone in a strange city....I forced myself to go to bingo haha! I even got a click...he was about eighty years old mind you but he offered to buy me lunch! I haven't been on recently as I have had my own little problems but I wish you well and I'm so glad you rang the doctors and are being seen. It is very hard sometimes to come to terms with the new me but the new you is def worth the fight! You take care lovely. Everyone here is so nice and you are very much loved in the group, so onwards and upwards. Best wishes. xx

[Candace8 in reply to peaches2]

Thank you so much. I think it's just meltdown time of year. All poss stress in the September month. The month I dread so much anyway. I so we lived near each other. That would so be good. We would be like the witches of eastwick. Thank god we got each other on here. I think I would of lost the plot a long time ago xx

[peaches2 in reply to Candace8]

Haha love the witches of Eastwick comment! Yes I'm sure lots of us would have lost the plot a long time ago, this forum is a godsend! xx

[paxo05]

Hi candy.

Just got to your post..sorry.

Yes you are right saying you died years ago . But that was the old you.

The new you was also born at the same time. Yes you may not like this new you but unfortunately it is the only "you" that you have.

It is hard at times to carry on but this we must do.

You survived all those years ago for a reason. What it is may not be apparent yet but one day you will know.

I am not saying that carrying on can be easy........its not....but the alternative is not the answer.

Good luck and keep carrying on .

Pax

[Candace8 in reply to paxo05]

Thank you, nicley put xx

[moo196]

Hope you are feeling a little better today Candy ...... keep plodding on ! x

[Candace8]

Good grief lol . With the tablets the doctors gave me last night I don't think I would of known what year it was let alone month or day 😳🤗