Help or Guidance Required..

[becky41060]

Had my tbi dec 2011, I allow everything irritate me, when I know that I shouldn't, there's things I don't want to do and I'm unsure wether it's my new arrogance. I've been invited to a wedding 2018 of my new partners son, & I don't want to go, not because I'm afraid or scared, it's just not my thing and don't want to be leaving it to the last minute to say I'm not going but rather tell them now to stop them preparing me for the guest list, I don't want to be on...

[Hidden]

Will they be very offended if you don't go? If so, could you just go for a short while, say just to the ceremony and pop into the reception for half hour or so? Even if it is not your thing, it might mean a lot to them if you could manage to attend = a wedding day is special and it is a shame if family problems spoil it. It may be easier to 'grin and bear it' for the sake of your new partner.

[steve55]

becky41060 i find g atherings and noise annoying since my abi i feb 2012, maybe this ishow you feel too? so by not going, this would be your way of avoiding possible confrontation.

[TaIaV]

If I understand your situation correctly, Becky:

1. It is your life partner, not a business partner's son, so there could be family sensitivity created by your participation/non-participation.

2. You have nothing against the young man but just do not like weddings.

3. You do not want to offend the people planning the wedding

If correct, perhaps a way of handling it is to say something like " Thank you very much for including me among the invited guests. I truly appreciate that. I will not be attending, but I look forward to celebrating this joyful transition with the bride and groom on another occasion."

[DTBI]

In my opinion you should go to the wedding, as there is nothing it will do to harm you. It's 'not your thing', simply help some other people you know, have a lovely day, that is important to them. Cheers

[moo196]

I'm wondering if you are able to communicate your worried feelings through your partner? And suggest that you may be able to cope with an hour or two - and book taxi/accommodation accordingly to slip away back to peace and quiet when you need it. Perhaps knowing that you only have to join in for a short while may mean you can cope more readily - and of course you may feel a whole lot better for actually going and may even feel more like joining in by the time the wedding comes around. Perhaps leaving your invitation a more floating guest may be the way forward at this stage. If your partner explains I'm sure they would understand.

[neilhapgood]

Hi Becky, the endless frustration with people and getting angry over things is such a difficult part of the process, especially when you know that isn't you to behave like that but you can't help it. It's largely to do with ptsd, there is a lot of info on a website I put together about 8 years post bi which you might find helpful braininjuryftp.com

All the best with it, the frustration does subside with time and there are things you can do to help it along the way!

[Towards_Healing in reply to neilhapgood]

Hi. Thank you for sharing your website. I have thought about doing this myself for a long time and never got to it. Thank you for putting this information out there. It is very valuable. I wish I would have had this when I sustained my biggest brain injury in 2007. I belong to a few support groups on Facebook. Would you allow me to post your website there? I believe it would be to great benefits for many who still suffer. Please let me know. Thank you.

[neilhapgood in reply to Towards_Healing]

Yes please do share, I would appreciate it, many thanks

[Towards_Healing in reply to neilhapgood]

I will. Thank you!

[Elenor3]

Hi Beckt,

Firstly , it's nice that you've been invited. So as mentioned above, a really polite response is needed if you wish to decline the invitation. I understand why you might feel that way.....oh boy...the whole social event thing, probably most people on the forum can relate to that.

But one thing instantly sprungs to mind when I read your post. It's that thing about everyone thinking your fine the further away you get form your brain injury. It sometimes feels like the family has collectively forgotten that you have a brain injury and that anything might pose a challenge to you. And my brother says that's a good thing cos he says everyone must think I doing really well, but I'm not. And perhaps you need to decline the invite becusse it's one step too far for you? Have a long think about it before you make your mind up. Perhaps a face to face chat about it, explaining exactly how challenging it would be for you to go would be the best? If people know what it's like, they'd understand I'm sure.

My thoughts would be as suggested above, if you feel up to doing it, go along to the ceremony. Wedding ceremonies are generally calm and not too noisy. So you'd be participating. And explain that the wedding celebrations might be too difficult (but find out first where it is and what the noise levels and lights are likely to be, in case it's not too intrusive). And say that you'll join everyone just for half an hour after the ceremony to wish them well. Only do this if it's what you think you can manage, otherwise explain really nicely that it's all too much for you to cope with. Family occasions argh!!!!! Good luck with making your decisions and if you go, I hope you have a lovely lovely time.

[CH56Twin]

Hello Becky

I so understand your position. All of the above provides good solutions. But at the end of the day it is your decision. Personally I would firmly be in your camp. I am reading you are showing consideration to the couple by wanting to give them a definitive answer now and not leaving it to the last minute. This is not arrogance but consideration. I am sure you wish the couple well and perhaps a personal note to them might help the situation. May I even suggest you write a personal note to your partner as well. In the past I have found writing something down can help people to better understand your position and confirming your good wishes on paper can only be a good thing? All the very best of luck to you. Clare

[Towards_Healing]

I very much understand you as I have had a lot of issues with such gatherings in the past. Along with multiple TBIs, I have herniated disks in my neck, making it very difficult for me to turn my head to hug and kiss people at such gatherings. I am also now very weary that they might bump my head with their head during an 'I am so happy to see you' bear hug... If I could, I would wear a shirt that would say 'please, do not hug me too hard', as I have to say that verbally to anyone who approaches me with opened arms. Just this part of the gatherings usually will cause me great grief for weeks before the gathering itself...

Wanting to deal with this uneasy situation as soon as possible is perhaps a way for you to remove undue stress? I personally need to resolve issues quickly as to not have to think about it incessantly.

Personally I would ask my partner to arrange a lunch, brunch, dinner, or tea for the two of us with the son and his bride in honor to their commitment to each other. I would take this opportunity to tell them that my health and/or TBI does not permit me to easily attend gatherings in general, but wanted to have the chance to spend time with them and celebrate with them in private. I would bring a lovely wedding gift beautifully wrapped to hand to them, and something special for the future bride such as a white lace hankershief as a special and personal gesture towards her.

Would't be nice if people would understand that the world doesn't revolve around them, and that the choices we make has to do with US and nothing to do with THEM?...

Good luck. Let us know how you fair with this.