starting to feel more like me

15 months on , woke up this morning and can't sleep now, its quarter past five and have filled up the dish washer again and made a cup of tea, just sitting here reflecting now. Its been a funny old year, I'm 60 now but it seems like I've only just woken up to what's really important in life. Its taken a long time but I feel like I may get closer to how I used to be, I'd like the balance problems to go away and my sight to improve, but I can cope if this is as good as it gets. I feel different today, can't explain it, that tea tasted good, first good cup in 15 months, that was part of the problem, my taste changed, hated chocolate at first! but now its ok, can still take it or leave it but it no longer tastes disgusting! I am so lucky on so many fronts, I really do know how much my family love me, I knew before but something like this brings everything home. I can't wait to see what the next 20 years bring, but I will approach it carefully, won't overdo things or take anything or anyone for granted. That's the trouble now doing things at a reasonable pace, having patience, I have the DWP to tackle, they say I'm fit for work, but I wouldn't employ me, I'm a liability but that's to come yet, something to look forward to at least I'm getting stronger mentally each day, even if the body is weak.

My garden is starting to look like someone loves it again, I can manage 20mins at a time before I need to rest, but its amazing what you can do with determination. I am having a hair cut today, so will pick up something for Fathers day while I am in Manchester, that'll be it for today though will have to rest when I get home, daughter no2 will be home from London later she has a hospital appointment tomorrow so that's tomorrow taken care of.

My sister will hopefully read this, I'd be lost without her, she rings me everyday and I love her so much I can't express it in the right words, must be tired really so will go back to bed, my husband will be waking in an hour and a half for work, sorry to bore anyone who has read this, had to get all those words out, no matter if they're not read, keep saying I'll keep a journal, I just feel it flows better if I write when I want to.

Take care anyone who has slogged through this

love Janet

11 Replies

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  • Sounds positve and you have obviously come a long way in the 15 months (read your profile). You are at the same stage as my husband and seem to be recovering at the same pattern, even with regard to the chocolate bit (unfortunately I eat it as much as him now and the scales verify this) The balance prob is also still with him so we know all about that one!Not at the DWP stage yet but not looking forward to it as they seem to a have a onefit attitude about everyone ! Enjoy the rest of your day!

  • Thanks for the support, just got back in now, scary on the bus on my own but determined to lick this thing, best wishes to you and your husband, hang on in there love Janet

  • No, definitely not boring........in fact, although I've not been able to feel much emotion since my sah, your blog brought a few tears.......rang a few personal bells ! Mine was just a couple of months earlier than yours; the taste problem is all too familiar......& the gardening; although I'm managing to do more & more this last couple of months.

    You're braver than me though; I'm still not ready for a visit to Manchester just yet......Well done !

    Stay strong Janet. xx :-)

  • thanks Cat, my original reply got lost, not my fault this time, I'm sure I'm no stronger than you, it scares the hell out of me when I go out on my own ,but it's amazing how patient people are when they realise you're having problems. Funny that ,it takes a lot make me emotional too, can tell I'm tired, missing words out now. My sister made me start a diary in the rehab unit, she kept one from day one, but I've let it lapse, I only write now to help my thought processes and other people of course.

    Isn't it great when the sun shines?

    Take care, look after yourself and your family too xx

  • Hi Janet,

    Thought your blog was a very positive way to start the day. You sound at peace. Hope you are.

    Thank you for sharing. I find it very hard to be positive, but find posts like yours very inspirational at it makes me look what I have got that is good.

    I'm still here, but slightly quirky! I was always a bit lax about wearing my bicycle helmet say if I was just nipping out I would not bother wearing it. The week before my accident I did not wear it at all as I left it a home (I worked away in the week). That day it was on phew, literally saved my life. I got run over three minutes after leaving work that night.

    I also have my beautiful fella who has been my true angel since this has all happened and always has been. Been there through it all thick and thin. He's had to do some very personal things which was no problem as he is brilliant like that, but he got slightly traumatized as I could not shave my left arm pit for a long while. Funny fella, but he was happy when he was relieved of that duty! We are getting married in six weeks. Bit nervous, but thrilled that we are getting married. Not nervous about that bit, just all the people. I do not know how I am going to manage them all at once.

    Anyway, I rambled on in my usual way but it was nice to read your post. Made me reflect on all the things that are good in a tough time.

    Interesting what you said about chocolate. I was a real chocoholic before my accident just tastes like a lump of fat now, don't touch the stuff.

    Hope you had a good day out.

    Did you end up getting your walking poles?

  • Hi Betty, not got the poles yet, will do soon, I've found my balance is improving slowly anyway so they should help a lot.

    It's my 10th wedding anniversary this year but we've been together 25 years all told, took a long time to tie the knot, you'll be fine if you pace yourself let everyone else do the worrying! I went to my daughters graduation in my wheelchair when I,d only been out of hospital a couple of weeks last year, looking back I don't know how I managed but I did and so glad too.

    It's amazing how love shines through, my husband has told me he just wanted me back at home and would do anything to have that happen, he went through some very dark times, I just wish I could wipe it all away, but we all must move on, take care Love Janet x

  • Hi Janet,

    I am in my 6th year and can relate to most of what you have said. We (hubby and me) have lots of empathy and I, we send our best wishes to you and your husband and wish you happiness, laughter and good luck with all life brings to you. Things do get better :) It will happen even if you don't believe it will. (click on LeslieDilks and read my profile. I can hardly believe my profile and me are the same person)

    The first couple of years after my B.I I was literally 'lights on nobody home'. My husband of 34 years was and is undoubtedly a saint...... Sorry if that sounds odd but I don't know how else to describe someone who.................

    supported me, loved me, understood me (when I didn't even understand myself)

    Put up with my shouting, swearing, ranting and raving

    My not eating, sleeping or doing as I was advised by the "professionals"

    Wouldn't and couldn't take things in, just thought I knew best (in my brain injured head I didn't have a clue)

    Asked him to pack his bags and leave our home

    Destroyed our lovely lounge one Xmas by smashing everything in sight.....

    The list goes on and on........:(

    Then 5 years in we found headway and since then we have been getting lots and lots of help

    and advice. Which has helped us to deal positively with DWP, Docters, ourselves and some family members. My only regret is the sadness I feel when I read the love you have for your sister. From a very early age me and my youngest sister were inseparable (we spent 30 plus years as close as two leas in a pod) 8 months after my BI our relationship fell apart and I haven't seen or spoken with her since :( In spite of this I love my life now and cherish everyday, well most of them :) take care Joanne

  • I am Kirk5w7's sister, and I have so many mixed emotions reading these blogs. You are all such amazing people. Your strengths shine through, and I am obviously aware of the depth of your fears for the future, but you all have the courage to keep on fighting. I feel especially sad for LeslieDilks, losing the support of your sister, but am heartened to see that you can still cherish your life, which proves your strength of character. I certainly cherish my sister, and know my life would be so much poorer without her. I send all of you love and best wishes for all your futures, and I am so glad that we found this site so that you can all support one another. That is what life is all about! xx

  • Hey Janet,

    That was wonderful. I'm the mother of a brain Injury sufferer so don't comment much as I often feel I cannot add much to discussions. However, like Cat, you also brought a tear to my eye (well both actually ;-) ).. You sound so peaceful and content, but also positive, and that's wonderful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Have a good day x

  • Hi Janet,

    It great new to hear your balance is getting better.

    Love does indeed shine through. I think our families deserve a medal.

    I do worry about my Mr. I would like him to talk to Headway as he worries about me. I never known him to sleep so badly. He has had to do most of this on his own. Our families are official useless! My mother struggles greatly I believe with me not being well, you see I am not"normal" anymore! My beautiful fella though loves me wort's and all. Without Headway though we would be truly lost.

    The one very big positive about my accident is that I finally got home permanently. I had to go away to work in the week so missed him so much. We couldn't work out how I was going to get home permanently as there are no jobs around where we live, but fate took the decision out of hands. I find it tough though not being well enough to work.

    You did really well going to your daughters graduation and I am glad things are starting to look up for your are your husband. 25 years together is amazing. Did your husband get any carers help from anywhere if you do not mind me asking? I would just really like my Mr to have some help and talk about his worries. I think it been harder on him as he has had to care for me and worry about work, where I just sit at home, worry and sleep!

    Your sister sounds wonderful.

    Thank you Janet your post was a very good one of making me look at what is marvelous in a very wonky world.

    Hope you are having a good day X

  • Hi Betty, no my husband didn't have any carers to help, when I came out of the rehab unit, I was able to get around the house on my own, make myself some breakfast and lunch and dress myself so we came to a concensus that I would manage while he was at work, luckily my younger son and daughter were still at home then too (my youngest son is 17 and he has to put up with me on his own now!) so my husband was able to escape to work. He does so much now though cos I am limited in the amount or what housework I can do. I spend my days mostly gardening, knitting or sewing or reading, I do jigsaw puzzles too, but they mess with my brain, it can take a month to complete one, all of a sudden they make sense and I can complete them, I try to fill my days with things that help my rehab and then I'm not too needy when the family gets in, but there are occasions when I make him take me to the shops as soon as he gets in so I have what I need for next day, the internet (for shopping gets much use too!)

    Like your husband, he doesn't want to talk about what has passed, I think they were very dark days for him and best forgotten, I can't let go yet, maybe one day, that's why this site is so good.

    Take care now, Love Janet x

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