Does this ring a bell with anyone.

[pinkvision]

I have read the term mourning for the former self. What does this former self contain?

All our information is gathered by the senses and are processed through system that involves feeling, emotion and cognition. Skills and interactions are developed through this process. This is then imprinted on our memory. If we see or do or hear something at a later time it reminds us of the time when we saw, heard or did something and it brings back the feeling, emotions and thoughts from that time.

I'm lucky to have regained many of my skills and functions through repetitive mental and physical exercises. The feelings and emotions and wider thoughts associated with this are new and from now, there are no other feelings and emotions and memories from a previous time. Can anyone relate to this?

[Glenquoich]

Maybe partially. My long event memory is extremely weird/good. I had my TBI at 17 and I can remember things about before then in detail. For example I can recite the class register of every class I was ever in. I don't think I would have been able to have done that before my TBI. I remember phone numbers and birthdays of people I haven't spoken to in 40 years but I don't recognise faces; I don't recognise people until they speak or display their 'fingerprint' mannerism. I've even walked past my own father in the supermarket.

My memory continues to both fascinate and baffle me at the same time.

It's almost as if the archive filing cabinet was burst open when I had my TBI and all the memories scattered around my brain, so there is no difference between the everyday events I remember from July 1978 and events in July 2018.

I went for a coffee with an old school friend 2 years ago, we met by sheer accident, I hadn't seen him since he moved to London in 1989. I hadn't seen much of him really from when he left school in 1983. During the conversation out my mouth popped "Your grandad used to work in the old Glasgow Stock Exchange", He asked me how did I remember that and I told him he had told me that in a science class in 1980 after I had asked him where did he get his cool notebook. I have no idea why memory is like this, I don't remember the feelings so they were probably good.

Emotionally, all my memories are the traumatic ones but I think that's a PTSD thing. I've read recently that PTSD is unable to differentiate between bad memories of weeks ago and decades ago.

I caught a glimpse of good memories twice; June 1994, I was feeling awful and went for a long walk and ended up in a pine forest, the scent of the pine resin seemed to trigger a flood of memories of a carefree summer in '76 when some friends and I had built a tree house and rope swing in the woods near where I lived. My 'Huck Finn' summer came flooding back.

The other time was October 2017, I hadn't swam in years and was in a psychiatric hospital. The hospital thought it was a good idea to send me swimming because I used to be able to spend a couple of hours doing continuous laps of the pool. About 30- 40 minutes into my swim, the chlorinated water suddenly triggered a flood of carefree childhood memories from the 1970s.

Without doubt I mourn the carefree times of my former self, everything has just felt so intense, anxious and frantic since my TBI. It can't possibly always have been like this.

[moo196]

Hi,

To me, mourning the former self was much more about the loss of freedom (driving licence etc) losing laughter and positive emotions, losing income, losing friends, losing the things I liked doing(swimming, badminton, driving, having a few drinks), losing independence.

So my interpretation of the phrase is less focused on memory but more on action.

[Pairofboots]

Hi, after a brain injury, we can go through a period of grief. When and how this occurs isn't set in stone.

Many people with a bi, feel different than they did, this is the loss. Even if someone makes a good recovery, these feelings can manifest a number of years later.

For some it is a process that they just work through, others need help. This is the same as loosing a loved one.

Also we can start to question how we fit into the norm. We may return to work, have the same hobbies, etc, but we become more aware of the nuances that weren't apparent earlier in recovery. We might notice things that we do or react to differently.

This creates the feeling of grief.

This is how I would look at mourning for one's self.

[Elenor3]

I can relate very much to Moo196, things are very similar for me . After the accident I found that I didn’t recognise myself in the mirror very much. I knew that the person was me, but I didn’t feel any connection, it was like looking at someone I knew very well - but the face absolutely wasn’t mine. This has aftaer four years lessened, not very nice. x

[pinkvision in reply to Elenor3]

Hi thanks, was it kind of an awareness that 'you' were not your body or thoughts but were instead your conscious awareness inside your body etc. I remember staring at myself in a mirror wondering what was I seeing, I also remember waking up in bed and could see my arm and hand and was puzzled, wondering what it was.

[Elenor3]

Hi 😊,

It was more a lack of recognition of the face. Very unsettling indeed.

[claire-morrissey]

I have memories from years back and then a big gap.......I once asked my sister how her husband was .......they had devorced a few years before (it didn't go down well). I remember some things with meaning ... quite a while pre injury I was attacked by my ex husband ....I can remeber this in graphic detail but I can't remeber fully what I did this morning. I think that we are all different and the brain processes info in a way that protects us or potentially saves us from further harm ( by remembering bad events). The really funny thing is that I can still read music and play piano (well one handed) and I hadent played since I was arround 11. Another strange thing is the way a inlaw makes me feel...when I see him fear comes over me ....hes about 15 years older than me and I can remember him being creepy when I was younger but that is all

[SillyPhil]

Yeah, I miss the old Me, the real Me. Part of me seems stuck at the time I had my accident in 1998. Everyone else has moved on but I don't feel that I have. I miss the good old days when I could just DO stuff without all of this anxiety, prevarication, confusion, fatigue.. my life these days seems to revolve around my brain damage/limitations. Ah well, at least I'm still here, right?