glad it's not just me.....

I am new to this forum and I have just found some posts about marriage break ups due to bi's. I am in a slightly different position - my husband had a brain injury many years ago and his cognitive function is deteriorating fast now. He refuses to believe (or is unable to understand) that he has a problem, it is everyone else. Whenever he does something dangerous or stupid and I mention it he jumps down my throat, saying I am 'moaning again'. He now says HE cannot stand it (I have stood by him for 28 years dealing with everything) and wants to sell the house, take his half the money and live on his own. Firstly he is completely incapable of managing alone which means that my daughter will have to have him to live with her (which will do nothing for her relationship, he is very hard work), and secondly it will mean me losing my house. All I will be able to afford is a tiny flat and will be living on a very tiny pension. We have all tried to get him to understand what all this will mean but he doesn't get it at all. After giving him so much time and energy trying to getting him to be the best he can be despite the injury, he has no conception of what I have done to help him achieve the life he manages to have today.

Any suggestions from you very wise and experienced people.? I am at my wits end and don't know what to do next. I am having counselling but he is not able to understand enough to do the same.

[Kirk5w7]

Hi , this is so difficult for you as it is essential to understand where you are at to be able to make improvements and move forward. And without appearing to be sexist, unfortunately many men, and women , without BI can be so stubborn and think it is others and not them.

I am married to a guy who has difficulty seeing when he has issues, and can forget the problems I am dealing with daily. So, unfortunately without some professional guidance your husband is going to find accepting his situation so hard.

None of us wants to believe we have difficulties with brain function.

My heart goes out to you, I wish I could help. Acceptance is necessary to move forward.

I hope you find a solution to this, come back for any support you need.

Love Janet xx

[Imagine72]

It would definitely be frustrating. Sometimes when you can't change/stop what is happening, it's best to take care of you. How does your daughter feel about it?

[Elenor3]

I'm sor sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunate lyn as a bi sufferer, running away seems like a good idea sometimes, as irrational and stupid as it might be. Is there any possibility of getting your husband to agree to some counselling with Relate?  Sometimes hearing 'the truth' from a third party is helpful good luck 

[Mads1975]

As an Abi survivor with frontal lobe impairment I can empathise with you. I know I have/am a pain in the neck at times and don't like to be picked up on things sometimes.

My first suggestion would be to contact your local Headway group. They should be able to give support and advice and maybe even visit your home to speak with your husband.

A free phone nurse led helpline for people with brain injury would be useful too - 0808 800 2244

Good luck

Paul

[MXman in reply to Mads1975]

Fantastic Idea. XX

[malalatete]

Cynical side of me says take a pre-emptive strike and tell him to leave and live on his own if he wants to - but you are going nowhere.

Any separation proceedings in such circumstances will take a long time to go through, by which time he will have experienced the reality of coping by himslef and either have realised what he would be missing, or else decided to go it alone. Hopefully even in the case of the latter you too would by then have had enough time to move on.

I don't get the impression that you feel like you are in control of this situation at the moment, and yet you very much can be if you want to. It is your house as much as his. Only a court can tell you to leave, so I would stick it out. If you think this is a big mistake, for him and for you, there is nothing to say that you have to be helpful...

[Hidden in reply to malalatete]

Thank you for this.  I could do that but my only worry if I leave him here is what I would come back to.  He has already gone out and left the gas on, put a plastic bowl in the oven that melted everywhere and I have just come down this morning and found that he has left the hosepipe running for the last 18 hours (and we have a water meter).  I might not have a house to come back to!!

[malalatete in reply to Hidden]

That was my point really : if he thinks time is up and you disagree then he is the one who needs to leave. An ultimatum might force the issue and make him realise how lucky he is.

[MXman]

Hi Exaustedwife, (Love the name)

My heart goes out to you as I understand how you feel. I got my Bi last May and my wife and kids have been so so supportive with me that have been fantastic. Only last night I had a fatigue episode in that I was so tired I had to go to bed but couldn't find my phone charger and new one of then had taken it so lost the will to live and lost my temper too, shouting and causing every one of taking it, dams its only a phone charger but at the time it was a criminal offence to steel it. No matter it will be resolved this morning. 

Its really tough for you in this situation as your husband has not accepted he has a Bi and cannot live alone, sounds like he is purely frustrated with the whole way of living and needs outside help. As suggested can you talk to headway or relate? the local headway centres are fantastic and really helpful as they see this all the time and really know what to do. Worth a call. 

Also you need time out too from him. Go and see headway yourself and maybe take your daughter with you to get some support. 

This forum here has really helped my to understand whats happened to me and iv learnt a lot here. My wife and I talked to headway too separately which helped us both. Really wishing you a peaceful Good Friday. God Bless. Nick XX

[Hidden]

thank you so much, Nick, I am really at my wits end now.  My counsellor says I should leave him to protect my health and sanity but I don't want to do that unless I really have to.

[rob75]

Wow such a hard task. I have been through all this within the last year. My wife had a TBI 4 years ago. She came home after 3 years. Your description of your husband's behaviour could be my wife! We have very young children to add to the complications. It has ended up i managed to get my wife a house and a 24/7 care package and me and the boys have stayed in the family home. ( she doesn't like having the care package and cannot understand why she needs it but she really does) It took 6 months or so to arrange it but it was the best solution in the difficult circumstances. ( i had lots of help from social services arranging the house and package) They did want her to go into a care home but she is only 38 and i totally refused. Stick to your guns if they offer this!!

Hope this helps. Remember is not all about the person with the TBI it's you as well.