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There is always a "slight delirium" I'll feel with trouble telling exactly what is happening around me, what I'm saying and whether or not I'll be able to stand, have "enough energy" or even be conscious for even a few more seconds.
From what I can tell from self-observation and great amounts of health research, I seem to possibly have low blood circulation throughout my body, especially to my head.
I've lived with Hydrocephalus since birth, having a shunt since infancy.
This shunt has caused countless problems that, mostly, remained ignored, no matter how serious the problems caused were.
At a young age, I used to think the problems I dealt with were normal and that people just pushed through whatever they were facing.
With age progression, I found that there was no way for someone to truly function properly with everything I endured.
Somehow, no matter what I was dealing with, the things that overwhelmed me seemed to occur without notice continuously.
I guess people just thought being confused with personality changes, frequent fevers and various kinds of seizures, a slow gait, trouble breathing, seeing and hearing as well as becoming unconscious regularly was just the way I normally was?...
I'll never fully understand the way my life used to be.
After the intense amount of pressure that built up in my head throughout my life was involuntarily and rapidly drained through my ventriculoperitoneal shunt (a tube that helps excessive cerebrospinal fluid to be drained), I've had health issues remain but a change in my perspective on life.
For example. time passes differently since there isn't nearly as much pressure in my head and, therefore, changes in the processing of chemicals in my brain.
Instead of days passing almost as though they are blended into one piece of time, I can tell days apart more easily.
Also, instead of rambling incoherently with a complete lack of physical sensations, I'm able to tell some of what I'm saying and, at least, that I'm even talking.
Very frequently, I'll ask people if they're following what I'm saying and if I'm making any sense.
Because of constant exhaustion and frequent fatigue, I always hope to make sense so that I don't need to try to wrap my mind around the current situation-no matter how intense or not-that is already very overwhelming.
I always have a headache, bodily numbness and neck stiffness-all of which fluctuate.
With stress-some or an extreme amount-I'll feel as though I've become numb and weak with an increase in bodily temperature and neck stiffness.
During moments like this, I'll be too overwhelmed to speak and, sometimes, will experience delirium with auras and severe, general muscle spasms.
If my blood circulation becomes too low, I seem to have fatigue that lasts for hours or experiences that appear to be seizures but could really be a lack of blood circulation to my body and my brain.
Although it can be true that Hydrocephalus (excessive pressure in the head, which I was born with) and ventriculoperitioneal shunt malfunctions can cause seizures as well as many other health problems, I don't think I've been having seizures for years.
While the pressure in my head and the damage the buildup of intracranial pressure as well as the rapid release of that pressure could have caused seizures in the past, I think the more-recent experiences might have been a lack of blood circulation to the mind.
When I feel as though I have a lack of blood circulation in my body, this feels different from the feeling of seizures resulting from shunt malfunctions only because the overwhelming pressure or draining sensations in my head from CSF buildup or drainage is replaced by the general feeling that my body is lacking something-almost as though I've become hollow.
This can last a few minutes to half an hour with severe delirium resulting and lingering for the next few hours or days.
During seizures resulting from shunt complications, my mind is cold and scalding with crushing, stabbing, shocking feelings.
My body feels like it's under immense pressure with shocking, numb sensations and a lacking ability to speak.
This can last for a few moments or hours, depending on how my body is affected.
However, like when my body seems to have a lack of blood circulation, severe delirium lingers for hours or days.
Outside of this, I'll always have a mild or moderate level of delirium with fluctuating levels of pain and muscle stiffness.
When I'm tired or getting tired, my heart seems to beat heavily.
Once this happens, I have a very limited time to get to bed before I'm too physically fatigued to do much of anything.
Processing much information seems to almost be "too much" for my mind, causing overwhelming numbness and delirium.
Like sleep paralysis or trying to regain some energy after the body takes damage, "recharging" oneself takes time and patience.
When I'm overwhelmed, I need to give my mind a chance to "breathe".
The length of this post is very extensive, but I don't really know how to exclude anything that has a negative effect on my health.
All of them seem to be somewhat linked despite potentially resulting from different occurrences throughout time.
Consumption of anything worsens any delirium, vertigo or numb feelings that i seem to experience.
Eating much of anything or nothing for a long time will also cause pain with my shunt-almost like it's being pulled too much when I'm hungry and being pushed on from the inside after I eat.
I'm always thirsty and seem to be dehydrated no matter how much water I drink.
Even when i don't drink much, I use the bathroom often.
Needing to use the bathroom is very inconvenient whenever I seem to experience sleep paralysis.
Upon resting, my blood pressure seems to change rapidly, causing my heart to beat heavily.
I'll fall asleep very quickly, dreaming and waking within a minute to five minutes and always having strange dreams.
Even when I stay asleep for a long time, i'll have stressful dreams that i don't always recall.
Sometimes, I'll wake suddenly just to fall asleep again quickly-almost like I've been shocked, then knocked out.
Waking up and getting up are never easy.
My VP shunt is very tight with pressure where the tubing remains behind the arm of my glasses as well as firmness to the distal catheter (the catheter in my head-if that's what it's called) and stabbing, nauseating pressure in the peritoneal catheter (I believe that's what the lowest catheter is called).
I'm always exhausted,
No matter how much sleep I have, I'm almost too tired to think clearly.
Along with everything I'm dealing with, I'll have trouble with my hearing and vision as well as painful static and ringing in my ears, heaviness of my head and body, facial pain and an apparent low tolerance to heat and cold.
Honestly, I have no idea what any of this truly means.
While I've been trying to take care of myself and recognize when I need to make sudden changes to my plans in order to have enough energy for the next day, something still seems to "go wrong" much of the time.
I don't have a doctor and I'm unable to get one right now (I live in America).
Because of this, I've been trying to study what i need to do and practice taking care of myself.
I've heard that lavender and peppermint are good for fighting anxiety and increasing blood circulation, but I have yet to test that for myself.
Cayenne pepper seems to help with blood circulation, but it's a bit much to eat very often because it's spicy.
Dark chocolate and cocoa powder seem to help to a degree, but I hardly ever consume them.
Drinking water is very good for fighting headaches and increasing blood circulation, so I've been doing that often and daily.
I've heard that there can be muscle spasms in the head.
Can a lack blood circulation cause muscle spasms?
They already seem to affect the rest of my body, so I'm wondering if there is a connection between them.
If any of you can relate with how I've lived with complications of Hydrocephalus and shunt malfunctions or any of the other issues I'm having, you are not alone.
Somewhere, there are people who are feeling what you're feeling.
Although people aren't fully capable of helping out who they care about, they are at least able to show support for those who need it.
You are not alone. <3