I was discussing the following topic with the baroness-in-waiting and wondered if it was common among our gang.
Post BI, I find it very easy, almost automatic to close away negative emotions. And I mean truly negative emotions as well. I don't grieve for the dead, I don't miss, or let people who betray me get in the way. I haven't seen my own brother for twenty years and I care not a jot. My auntie and uncle who had been married 63 years both died within a week of each other. I attended the joint funeral, shed not a tear and moved on with life. Is this kind of emotional detachment common?
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BaronC
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I think as you get older and have had some major experiences, you aren't too bothered as you put it. You rise up above these life or death events. None of us have seen it all or done it all, but we have evolved spiritually. Life experiences of getting older.
Family members can be unempathic or just don't give a damn. There are no rules about having to get on with someone just because they are family.
The social model of the family being sacrosanct is rubbish. If you don't get on, don't force yourself to.
We also develop a rhino hide because of our vulnerabilities?
Funny Andy, just my experience too, I can be quite "cold" , nothing matters anymore, I can be very detached about other peoples traumatic experiences, a kind of "so what" when you've woken from a coma and then lain in a hospital bed for weeks on end totally dependant on others it kind of grabs you like that. I remember saying when I was half with it and was being told something about someone, "do I care?, I don't care !" How heartless and cruel was that! Not like the old me at all. I really have to try hard at times to be sociable, I'm much better when left to my own devices, but I'm learning to rejoin the human race.
Still think nothing matters though, can't get excited about the trivialities that used to wind me up, just enjoying doing what I like, quite selfish really, but I do join in when I'm able.
This weekend it was my eldest daughters 40th, we went down to Eastbourne, cos that's where she lives, and I had a great time, the noisy party was hard work but I stayed to the bitter end and really tried hard. It was worth it, must try to do more like it( but not too often)
I'M FIRMLY CONVINCED THAT IF IT'S NOT ILLEGAL OR MEAN, WHAT YOU DO/THINK IS RIGHT FOR YOU & YOU SHOULDN'T FORCE YOURSELF TO TRY & FOLLOW ACCEPTED SOCIAL "NORMS"
AFTER BI MOST OFTHEM SEEM TRIVIAL ANYWAY. WHO SAYS YOU SHOULD GRIEVE WHEN OT'S NOT RIGHT FOR YOU, & WHO SAYS YOU SHOULD GET ON WITH YOUR FAMILY IF YOU DON'T. IT'S NOT BEING HARD OR SELFISH IT'S BEING YOURSELF. WE'VE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH AS IT IS.
THE WORD SHOULD MUST BE ERASED FROM THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. WHEN PEOPLE SAY "DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD" DO X,Y,Z
I wonder whether it's partly a matter of having nothing left to give. I mean it's already so challenging going through the motions of 'I'm OK........I can do that.........don't worry I'm fine' when all we really want to do is permanently adopt the foetal position. So asking us to have heart-felt emotions is equal to asking us to do a 100metre dash when we're already struggling to keep up in the marathon.
There's a part of my brain which can never be salvaged or re-trained because it shrivelled and died 2 & 1/2 years ago. So I can't even be bothered to mourn the previously dynamic 'me'.
I do still have feelings of anger though, on a daily basis, which is also a complete turn-around for me and usually in response to my own forgetfulness/clumsiness/agility problems, etc.....etc....................
I know that I do not have the depth of emotion that I had prior to my injury ...and its not that I don't care exactly, its more that I don't have the energy or capacity to process that level of emotion in addition to all the other stuff I need to process in order to simply function at the most basic level and in my own sweet way on a day to day basis.
When it comes to unnecessary drama (aka other people's business that does not directly involve me) then I have this kind of empty slightly blank spot where my unending supply of "give a sh#t" used to live ...
I've just been to the funeral of someone I liked and respected who had a wonderful life with a loving family and died peacefully in her sleep at a great age. I didn't feel any sorrow and I'm thinking along the lines of a good life and a peaceful pain free end. There are worse things than dying. I've also got the 'I can't change it so move on with life' attitude. There is no point in thinking about what might have been.
I've been to a couple "celebration of the life of" funerals, and what a change that was. There were even some anecdotes and laughter, very little signs of grief. If your beliefs include life after death and/or reincarnation then there is no need to grieve. The current social norm promotes grieving with respect and that is hard to change. Can't help thinking all that grieving is bad for society. I want none of that when it's my time
I agree completely with your attitude Stardrop, celebrate the positives to a greater extent than is placed on the negatives. Don't get stuck on past events and then end up fearing for the future, all that attention tied up in negativity blinds you to seeing a new future.
As regards the suppression of emotions, I noticed this early on after OH had her BI. The brain seems to be pretty good at shutting down some areas while it recovers or builds new pathways. It was as if a fuse had blown or the breaker tripped out to the area supplying the emotional responses. It took my teenage daughters aback when their mum seemed to have lost feelings for them. After nine or ten months her brain decided it a recovered enough and reset the breaker, we were then treated to some super intense emotions for a few months, mainly tears of joy!
When arrived at my brother Ken's funeral (adored him all my life) I was anticipating the awful meaningless dross which we're usually subjected to but then spotted the familiar face of the welcoming minister. Not that I remembered him as a man of the cloth but rather as my local friendly nurseryman from whom I'd bought all my shrubs and bedding plants for many years.
So as I shook his hand he explained how being a 'humanist' minister was something he'd always aspired to, and now he'd finally realised his ambition it was a very natural progression from celebrating the life of plants to an even more spiritual celebration of the life of people.
And it was the most uplifting and meaningful service imaginable where my brother's LIFE was the focus, through the various anecdotes from this minister and my brother's son and daughter and favourite music which had figured throughout Ken's life.
Obviously it was a massive bonus that this lovely man had known my brother personally, as a customer, and was able to voice his genuine personal affection, together with some funny stories. And he was so surprised to learn that Ken and I were brother and sister as we'd each known him for over 30 years.
Anyway, I told him he can 'see me off ' when the time comes if only to spare my loved ones from the out-of-touch ramblings of orthodox Christianity.
I very occasionally miss my nan, who is the closest person to me to have passed away, but I don't know how much of that is down to my head, and how much is tempered by my belief in an afterlife, and the feeling that she pops her head in every now and then (not that I ever know she's there).
It's weird, I think on some level I am in touch with emotions but not in an immediate sense, more a kind of abstract sense...I got more emotional *thinking* about getting married to my wife than I did actually *getting* married to her!
I can be very cold now, I don't mean to be but on the death front, I believe the funeral et al is about those that are left, cos let's face it, if there is an afterlife great for those moving on if not then they don't care do they. It's those of us that are left who are grieving for what we've lost, the love and companionship of the departed.
My mother died at 51 when I was 24 , very suddenly and unexpectedly, it screwed me up for a long time, but I know now, yes I miss her and it hurts like hell, but the grief is for me and the family that is left. She should never have missed out on the grandchildren and they should have known her as well but wasn't to be.
Having stared death in the face it holds no terrors for me but I do worry that the family will have trouble moving on, celebrations of life are the way to go don't dwell on what might have been, that's destructive, we come this way but once so we should make the most of it, and be thankful for it xxxx Janet
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Emotions as a carer
Mixed Emotions
12 months today 
Feeling alone with just my thoughts
