A question for carers/partners

Another question I know.

I have been reading some posts(ol and new) about carers trying to cope with partners after a bi and the change in them.

Just wondering have you been offered any sort of counselling , mainly bereavement.

I know this sounds a strange comment, but think about it. Your partner as they were before may have gone for good. In their place is a new or different versio of them.

I ask this because my wife struggled with the new me and felt she was cheating on the old me for loving the new me.

She had never had chance to grieve fully for the loss of the old me. This nearly tore our marrage apart. It may not have been the only problem we had but it stopped us moving on.

Remember a bi affects more than just the person that it happens to.

Its a brave step to admit that you as a carer may need help. After all you are normally fighting on our behalf. But please remember without you fighting for us we would be worse off and totally lost.

I hope this adbice does not offend any one....if it does I appologise.


20 Replies

  • kind of affected us,luckily for me my hubby is now pretty the same person i hanfasted,i had counselling and it helped allot,however trauma is powerfull and it shifts everything in you,we are now more determinded to live life to the full! and enjoy even the small stuff.i hope that you and youre wife are ok

  • Thanks Razy

    Yep me and my wife are fine....well as fine as we can be. I think...no I KNOW I wind her up sometimes...even without trying, such a skill I have.

    I know it can seem crazy to grieve for someone who is still there but unless a near full recovery is managed then unfortunatley it may be needed.

    Glad you are getting back to near normal.

    All the best Pax.

  • My wife was terrified, after the 1st fear that I'd die. That I personality wise would be changed, and wouldn't love her.

    I am changed though on though mostly mild.

  • Hi Roger

    I think after the shockof surviving I think there follows a feeling of feeling ungrateful that we dont return fully to our old selves.

    Maybe we are the same person but just handle things differently.I know emotionally I am completley different but is that also due to a different outlook on life and how quickly your future can change.

    Think I will leave it there as I think I maybe thinking a bit to deeply for a monday night.

    Thanks again Pax

  • Hi Paxo,

    Its a great question. My wife wants the old me back and I do to but its going to take time. The irony of it is the one thing I love doing riding Moto Cross is the one thing that caused my BI. The brain fatigue is getting better but I am learning to accept it and not to over do it. The personalty has changed but its coming back. I need to get together with Headway and my wife and kids so I can educate them on this injury. Its bought for them and has been especially as they were there when it happened. Recognising I had a problem with fatigue and a slight personality change is half the battle and this forum has really helped me.

  • Headway does help to explain things.

    If you have a good local group we found it was easier for my wife and kids to understand the possible effects of a bi.

    Good luck Pax

  • pleasure and its not crazy it is easy to understand

  • It is good that many of you were offered councelung, I never was however I think it would have helped be cone to terms with things quicker!

    im quite stubborn and was like eight you need to learn how to walk again etc, no time to grieve theres work to do, I was in hospital the best part of a year, i just got on with stuff or was in deniel, well im oldwr now I have learnt that I need to slow down, know my limitations and that its okay that I cant do the same as orher people and I dont feel as guilty anymore xx

  • Think age helps a lot. Also a sod it attitude of accepting limitations. It took two years for me to get counselling and another two after that for my wife.

    Treatment that is provided is a bit like being in a lottery but hopefully now things are changing. My bi was 16 years ago so I cant comment on treatment today.

    All the best Pax

  • Understanding the different person we now have is the way forward to coping and acknowledging the person is different.

    As carers we need to accept this and so move forward with the understanding and acknowledgement.

    ---- If that makes sense

  • Makes perfect sense.....like accepting although you may have changed your still the same person.....well at leadt I know what I mean


  • I had some counselling just after the accident, but didn't really get on with it.

    Two years on, I really need some, so am going to give it another go.

    My husband has changed so much with his BI, I feel I have lost him & am living with a different person.

    I need some help to deal with it, hopefully counselling will do this.

    Carers need all the help they can get, to stay well & healthy to care for their other halves

  • Hi Dilly

    Your reply reminds me of how my wife felt. It was a strange time for us because my wife felt like she was being disloyal to me to the point she felt like it was cheating on me by having any feelings for the new altered mr.

    Then I realised that she had to fall in love with this new me......and risk the possibility she may not.

    Once I was on the road to recovery we set about trying to rebuild our lives together.

    The main advice I could give is keep talking to each other and be honest.....which can be the hard bit.

    All the best Pax

  • Thanks Pax,quite weird really. . Not very good at talking about my real feelings to anyone, but know Ineed too.

    Barry, I used to get very upset as well,that's why I stopped,stupid really cos needed to let go, something I couldn't do with my hubby or family.

    I have since done a counselling course myself a& it really helped. I realise there is nothing they haven't heard before, it's completly confidential & unshockable.

    Can't get upset at home as this really impacts on Dick, he senses it & makes things worse than they already are, so hopefully it will release some of the emotions for me.

    Still love him after 34 yrs, just in a different way!!

  • Hi Paxo05,

    My wife suffered a stroke in January and is still in hospital. I have been trying to get counselling for the last 7 months and eventually started a 6 week session 2 weeks ago. I do not know what to expect but all that has happened so far is I talk for the best part of an hour, get up set and just say how I feel. I am not sure if this will help but I will stick it out.

    As I keep on telling people, we will get there one day, but I have no idea where "there" is!


  • Hi Barry

    Please stick at it. You may not see any change but it will happen.

    Keep a journal of how you feel...jyst a few lines about your day...nothing earth shattering.

    Then in a few weeks start looking back at it ....you may be suprised that you notice things have changed.

    Remember counselling is not magic pill...but it helps you see things clearly and helps YOU put things in place to help YOU.

    Good luck


  • I was never offered any counselling & just left to get on with it as well as juggle work & 3 children.

    I only found out in the morning that my husband was coming out of hospital that afternoon after being reassured I would be told in plenty of time. I had no equipment at home, only a prescription in his bag when he was brought home. I had to go & collect things from the disability centre that afternoon. Because he had major orthopedic injuries as well as a bi he could only sit on a chair I had managed to beg off a friend that was high enough for him to sit on. It was such an unsafe discharge but there was no one to go to for help.

    The only blessing was our gp who only a few months ago told us about headway & we should get in touch as we were struggling to cope.

    Life is so different since his accident especially with the fatigue he suffers. Going out as a family is much more of a challenge now & I often feel like a single parent as my husband can't cope with much than a couple of hours.

    Who offers the counselling to you?

  • Hi chicken

    My wifes counselling was through gp and social services.

    I had a simular discharge although I dont remember the first few months.

    Try asking headway for counselling referal.

    We are lucky in that our locall headway now offer counselling.

    Good luck for the future Pac.

  • Nice one Pax, says it all, :-)

  • It may be sad but true. Its hard after a bi to admit you have changed and even harder to accept people who loved you may jave altered feelings.

    Thats why I feel it is important they be allowed to grieve for the loss and then hopefully move on.

    If you are lucky you can start a relationship again. But if your partner is constantly feeling theyare cheating the old you it will not work.

    This is only my feelings based on my own ecperience. I nearly lost a very important woman in my life and I am glad to say we are still together....although at time I think I drove her mad.

    thanks again Pax.

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