Yesterday I received some really terrible news. Where I used to work a colleague of mine died yesterday. He was only 37 apparently on Saturday he started having breathing problems so he went to hospital they found a blood clot and it went to his lung and the following morning he passed away. He leaves a Wife, Son 6 and a Daughter 4. He didn't smoke an rarely drank this is a tragic death. I hadn't seen him for a couple of years as you tend to drift apart.
Now after my illness in which I was put into a induced coma and given a 10% chance of survival
and hearing this terrible news I feel so guilty that I survived. Is this normal to think like this?
Written by
jimboriley52
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Never feel guilty for surviving. Think how your death would have effected your friends and family. The loss of your colleague is horrible, I know, but not your fault any more than any other death, unexpected or not.
To come through a situation where only a 10% chance of survival is forecast shows you have strength and resiliance in bucket loads.
I often feel guilty about the amount of resource being used on me, a 60 year old who has lived his life well and full, pretty much completing his bucket list before the phrase was born but then I think what would my family feel if I didn't take every oportunity to live as well as I can.
Hopeing this feeling passes quickly and that your improvements in health continue.
I think it is perfectly normal to be struggling with those guilt feelings of why did I survive and he didn't. And to worsen it by comparing lives and feeling that they had more to live for than you such as his young children who need their dad. I had two friends of a similar ages to me who died last year and I experienced similar feelings of 'why' and feeling life was very unfair as Why did good lovely people die from illnesses that weren't related to old age as they were still of working age. I went to one of the funerals and my thoughts were completely occupied with thinking 'that could have been me in that box' ' why had I survived and they hadn't because I am sure they deserved and needed to live more than me'. It was irrational really because I have a young son but my thoughts were very much that the odds had been stacked against me surviving when I was in the coma. And I can't deny the truth that sometimes life with a BI has changed me so much and become so damn difficult that I have wished that I had just slipped away when in the coma. It's very sad but true and life is a lottery as to what happens.
It can be hard not to feel guilty at times but like the others have said you have not put your family through the misery of losing you. After my accident I also felt that there didnt even see a point of surviving. I lost my mobility ( have since regained a lot back) , I lost most of my friends and also my job and ability to be employed.
So what was the point????
I got to see my daughters grow into fine women, became a grandpa ( still cant believe I am old enough), gained better none judgemental friends. Also I got to remarry the love of my life( we seperated a few years after my bi).
Yes I regret my accident....but it happened. I now dont regret or feel guilty for survibing...I jope to survive many years to come.
I think it gets mixed in with sadness and brings you down.
You are still here to live your life, thank goodness, and that has nothing to do with the death of your colleague. He and his wife wouldn't want you to feel guilty.
Take care and do something nice today in memory of your colleague...
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