Why do I feel guilty for being sick and tired of feeling trapped?

I'm literally sick and tired of being trapped with what I can only call duty to care for my husband, who's been brain damaged for 13 years following a subarachnoid haemorrhage. Inside I'm screaming I want him to die so I can have some sort of normal life with whatever time I have left on this earth, just don't know how much more I can take with this one way street but why the heck do I feel so guilty?

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  • Dear daftada

    Please do contact us on the Headway Helpline if you need to talk things through.

    The Helpline is a confidential Nurse led service and we are open Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm. The telephone number is 0808 800 22 44 and it is free to call from within the UK.

    Alternatively, you can email us at helpline@headway.org.uk

    Best wishes

    Headway

  • I HAD A VERY SIMILAR SITUATION WITH MY FATHER ALTHOUGH I AM THE ONE WITH THE BI.

    HE DEVELOPED DEMENTIA & SUDDENLY LAST OCTOBER HIS CONDITION FELL OFF A CLIFF.I FELT DUTY BOUND TO DO WHAT I COULD EVEN THOUGH HE TURNED AT BIT VERBALLY NASTY AT ONE POINT . I WAS WORKING 8 HOURS A DAY WITH CARERS, DEMENTIA CRISIS, & A MILLION OTHER AGENCIES TO TRY & KEEP HIM AT HOME, IT WAS EXHAUSTING & I REALLY DIDN'T HAVE THE STRENGTH TO DO IT. MY SISTER REFUSED TO BE INVOLVED SO I WAS DOING IT ON MY OWN.

    WE EVENTUALLY HAD TO MAKE THE DECISION TO FIND A RESIDENTIAL HOME FOR HIM.I FELT GUILTY AT FIRST FOR MOVING HIM BUT IT IS THE BEST THING WE COULD HAVE DONE.

    I FELT IT WAS MY DUTY TO DO WHAT I COULD FOR HIM, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD. BUT I CONFESS I FELT RELIEF ONCE WE HAD MADE THE DECISION AS IT MEANT I COULD START REGAINING MY HEALTH. THE NEURO SAID IT WOULD TAKE 4 MONTHS FOR ME TO GET BACK ON AN EVEN KEEL ( WE MOVED DAD AT THE END OF JANUARY) & WHILST I AM GETTING BETTER IT HAS BEEN HELL.

    DUTY & GUILT ARE AWFUL EMOTIONS AREN'T THEY. IS THERE ANY SORT OF RESPITE CARE YOU COULD USE FOR YOURSELF & YOUR HUSBAND, COULD YOU GET A CARER TO COME IN FOR A FEW HOURS A DAY, WE DID THAT FOR DAD & EVEN THOUGHI DIDN'T LIVE WITH HIM IT MEANT THAT SOMEONE ELSE TOOK THE BURDEN. WE HAD THEM IN 3 TIMES A DAY AS HE LIVED ON HIS OWN BUT MAYBE ONCE A DAY WOULD GIVE YOU SOME TIME TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF WHICH I NEEDED & IT SOUNDS LIKE MAYBE YOU DO TOO.

    BEST OF LUCK, DON'T FEEL GUILTY YOU ARE DOING ALL YOU CAN.

  • So sorry you are going through this and feeling so alone. Please contact/call Headway - they can offer a listening ear and can point you in the direction of suitable support. This is a tough journey...be gentle with yourself.

  • Hi there

    You have taken the first and brave step - you have said out loud in a safe environment how you are feeling. I am sure there will be quite a few that have felt the same but too afraid to say it out loud. And many don't say it because of the guilt that they feel.

    I agree with comments below - take the next step now by contacting Headway as soon as you can and continue talking to them with the honesty of your post so that they can work out how best to help you or where you can find help.

    You have supported for long enough and I suspect with very little support for you and it is long overdue now.

    Don't feel guilty, what you are feeling is normal.

    Please speak to Headway so that you can start working on you, be a little selfish for a while.

    I wish you peace soon whichever direction you go in - you have been on a journey that many do not endure. If the next part of your journey is solo - so be it you will not have failed.

    Take care of yourself now

    Mx

  • How are you feeling today?

    I didn't answer, because I'm struggling to come to terms with the changes in my husband at the moment, so I don't think I could say anything useful to you. I have got less and less tolerant i think, but we have just got a referral so I'm hoping for good things.

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