Headway
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What you do when you feel like garbage

Hi all, frustrating morning.

I was going to go see my friend in Southampton today - I made it all the way to the train station and then I couldn't get on the train. I felt (and still do) terrible, my head felt like it was full of peanut butter and I stopped being able to understand what was happening around me. So I had to tell him I couldn't go and so I head on home.

But now I just feel crap. It feels like moments are being stolen from me. In the context of my situation is was the right thing to do, but hitting this brick wall makes me feel like a slave to my condition. I've been really pushing it lately mind - gone back to the gym/work/playing the violin. I find it very hard not be tough on myself.

Constantly comparing myself to before the stroke seems to be an impossible cycle to break!

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Sorry you had to retreat Ben ; it can feel like the worst catastrophe when we have a meltdown, especially when there's someone with expectations at the other end.

Looks like another side of your brain decided who's running the show today and it was time for some R&R. It's great hearing you've been so dynamic & motivated, but maybe you've been cramming too much in to block certain emotions out and overstepped your limits ??

Hope you'll be back on form tomorrow, meanwhile maybe get some DVD or music therapy............. Cat x

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Cat where did you develop this incredible knack of hitting every nail right on the head??

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Haha ; that'd be telling wouldn't it..................

How're you feeling ; any better ? x

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Reasonably...I'm in a bit of a weird headspace at the moment. It's tricky figuring out what's psychological and what's to do with the physical damage of the stroke. Tie that with the fact that the AVM in my brain could burst within the next 10 minutes all adds up to a stressed Ben.

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...................hang on ; I thought the radiotherapy had been successful in eradicating that possibility ! Did I miss something ?

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There's a lil bit left in there, I had a second surgery but that'll take a few years to work!

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OK. Do you think that, with all the effort you've maintained in graduating, undertaking a career in research, having more treatment and going through a relationship break-up might have taken a toll, mentally ?

It could be an example of PTSD ? Have you had many episodes of 'down' time (in the switching-off sense not the depressive) during the past couple of years ?

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I suppose now...I like going going going. Thank you for making me see that Cat - you're probably right in that it's taken its toll on me...

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You're young, ambitious and utterly gorgeous and I know you won't let this issue stop you from grabbing life by the ba**s..............even if it slows you down occasionally.

And I'm sure you're keeping in mind that, with every day that passes, the odds of your recovery increase.

Hope you're soon back on good form Ben ; take care............ x

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Hi Ben. Take care. Kx

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Thanks aqua! Hope you're good

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Hi Ben

I had a SAH in 2005. From reading your posts it sounds like you need to remember that fatigue is not just a physical dilemma we face! Take time to rest your brain as well as your body!

Sometimes just 5 minutes out is all it takes and to be kind to your brain!

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Yeah looks like I need to just take some time now and then to just rest. But for some reason that makes me feel guilty - it makes me think I'm not trying hard enough

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Don’t feel guilty- if you broke your leg and couldn’t move you wouldn’t feel guilty but because we can’t see the change or the damage that’s been caused doesn’t mean it isn’t there! It is there and it needs time to heal .... you need time to adjust to the difference it makes to your life, make plans that includes time for you .... and if the task takes more than one attempt then so be it!

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Your not alone dude, I have often done too much over a period trying to push myself. Then crash I’m whacked for days constant headache, fatigue, feeling like the smallest task (even doing shoe laces) is too much like hard work. Pace yourself don’t forget to chill!

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Oh poor you. But well done for getting to the station.

My BI occurred when I was 18 months so it is a part of me really. I went for counselling with Headway about 2-3 years ago. They asked me if I get angry/ frustrated and I said no. They said that if I were someone had acquired it later in life then I might do because of what my life had been. It is good that you have picked up work again, the violin and are trying to get back to where you were. However, there is a new part of you to get to know and get used to.

Please don"t give up though and as Daniel Pouter put "You Had A Bad Day". To give you a different example, I am a nurse and was working on a general surgical ward. There was a lady who had had a leg amputation. She was doing very well, managing to transfer from her bed to a chair, the wheelchair. One day she slipped a fell. She laughed it off but was embarrassed too. The ward sister said that she expected thar are some point this would happen, and pleased it happened while she was in hospital. As you can imagine you balance changes.

Give your trip another go but plan it. Train stations are loud busy places and perhaps too sensorally overwhelming and put the journey in with that. You are okay, and please don't feel defeated, just find a way to do it next time. With best wishes. I hope work is going okay xxxx

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Thanks Linda, I suppose you must see a lot of that working there!

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It happens at times. It is easy to think we are who we were before xxx

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If I can say anything to you is to get to know the new you, and give yourself time to do so. Hopefully those around you can help, Headway too. Thank you for bringing what happened to here xxx

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