Loosing the will to live,please advice!

Dear all,

I reached bottom end.I don't know how to handle myself,my life,my mind,my body...I have lost control and most sad,I have lost hope.

Its been 3 months since I accidentally found out i got a brain aneurism.I am dealing with excruciating pain since more than 4 years due to the double-hernia and a sciatica and a long-lasting depression with severe anxiety...which I'm not anymore able to stop it,regardless.I go to bed and pray not to wake up,that have never happened before,I am waking up crying and it goes through all day long.I don't have any desire to get out of bed,everything and everybody scares or simply annoys me for no reason.I have and feel pain everywhere,especially my chest,I'm hyperventilating to the point where I blackout.I don't live my house anymore unless I really have to,I know I have aged in a few months 5 years,i can't make the anxiety and fear go away.I have possibilities to do yoga,swim,gym,physiotherapy,electroacupuncture,all many other alternative therapies being located in SouthEast Asia at the moment,but nothing works...my thoughts are overwhelming whatever I try...I know its bad when I woke up on Valentine's Morning and I couldn't articulate not even a thank you to my husbands efforts to cheer-me up,I just can't contain my tears rolling all over my face,dropping on my keyboard while I try writing this.I know this isn't the way,but I don't know how to fight this,neither I can't figure out if I want to fight!

I have so much respect for everybody having went through so many tragedies and still hanging to some hope and still being so kind to others regardless what they get through....I feel embarrassed I have to put my story along yours,but I just can't carry this pain no more.I'm at the point I want out,but I know it's not the way...

I would so much appreciate if somebody just could remotely relate to my issues and help me to get a perspective because I have waisted all my will,including the one to live...

God bless you all amazing,brave souls!

PS:English its not my mother tongue,but I hope I got my message across somehow,thank you!

16 Replies

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  • Hi Donna

    Sorry you are having such a tough time. I suffered a ruptured brain aneurysm 9 months ago and I received surgical coiling and I am recovering well. I have a few cognitive and physical deficits, and I have needed to adjust my life, but I still have a life.

    You didn't say what treatment you have been offered for your aneurysm, so I have mentioned the above to encourage you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. If you receive treatment before it ruptures the recovery period is much less, but even if it ruptures, there are a lot of us on here who have survived to tell the tale. So please don't despair.

    It might be worth speaking to your GP re antidepressants, to help you while you are feeling so low. Also adequate pain relief will make a difference. Meditation and mindfulness training can help you control your pain too.

    I would recommend you speak to the Headway team, they have a help line number, and the staff are very supportive and understanding.

    This forum is a really friendly place, and you will find other people supportive.

    Take care :)

  • Dear Donna,

    What you are going through seems unbearable and I am so sorry. It is hard to know what is worse, the pain, the fear or the thoughts going on in our minds sometime.

    When I see my husband suffer I hurt along with him.

    In all honesty.............and this may not be a fashionable view in some places....................all that has got me through has been the belief that God cares. Now millions of people may shout me down and say How can you believe in a caring God when there is so much suffering in the world? The plain answer is that I do as He is my only hope. At some point in the future God will heal my husband. We have already seen him survive a terrible accident and God has blessed us in many ways. Now my husband leads a happy and useful life............although of course there are bad days.

    The only thing that gives me hope is believing God is on our side and that whatever I have asked Him for is on order...................it may be delayed in the post but we can wait.

    There is a good book called God on Mute (by Pete Grieg) that talks about what is going on when God seems to have disappeared.

    Just to say I don't think he has.....from your life or mine.

    May God give you peace and good health and hope.

    With love x

  • Hello my name is dawn.im on this by mistake.i have behcets disease and i was up and saw your message and I thought i known just what you are saying and feeling.being in pain and losing control of yourself and your feelings.im sorry i don't know much of your condition but I known what you are saying and iv been there and still struggling.i have been very unwell for very long time in pain and finding it hard cope with life and people.like you i am annoyed with every one and cry lot of the time.i have had time when i don't want to carry on but like you i known in my heart that is not the way.l have 6 children and I known they need me.we have to carry on and pry that we will feel better and look forward for a time when we can enjoy some sort of life again.l feel very much alone with all my problems and I sure you do too.take one day at a time.and I will pay that you will come back to your self again.just remember this is not how we are it is the problem's of the illness doing this.to us.god bless and fight on.xxx

  • Hi

    In April last year I was told I had a brain aneurysm. I had it clipped in July. From the moment I was told I instantly thought I could at any moment die or have a stroke.

    I was petrified.

    I stopped exercising, I didn't have hot baths or showers, tried my extreme best not to cry or laugh (that really didn't come across often) - all to reduce the risk of death or stroke.

    I was so fearful, I would only walk the dogs where my colleagues on the Air Ambulance could get to me.

    I had a medic-alert pendant made and wore it always.

    Not knowing if I would wake up as I went to sleep was always on my mind.

    To be honest, before my op, I wasn't able to find comfort in anything.

    My fear was too great.

    Since my aneurysm was clipped and my skull was replaced, I've gone down several alternative routes and I see a neuropsychologist. I see a herbalist, have Reiki, have Craniosacral therapy and I start 'work' with a fitness guy. I don't have the effort or energy to do the physical stuff but I know it's what my body and brain needs.

    Can/Do you see a therapist to regularly talk to?

    It sounds as though your depression is limiting you a great deal.

    I hope you are able to get some emotional/mental relief in some way

    Take care of yourself

    MedicalAngel

  • Being and feeling this way is really Horrible. However it does pass in the long term but you probally need to be speaking with your GP and getting help.

    I have suffered from similar feeling and they did pass however when your in the storm all you can understand is the discomfort and pain it brings.

    Hold on , Get help today. IF you are in the uk call out of hours and speak to someone.

    this will pass , it may take a time but it will pass.

  • I care. Because you are a human being and I am also.

  • Donna, I find your comments heart-breaking and I wish I could reach out to you and help.

    From personal experience, I can see that you are seriously, clinically depressed and need medical intervention, at least for the immediate future, but maybe permanently. Please see your regular doctor and ask for an antidepressant and, if you're already using one, ask for it to be changed as it clearly isn't working for you.

    Once you are more stable and less depressed, you can decide whether any life changes are necessary, but for now you need to rid yourself of the awful despair.

    Please get you help you need without delay.

    My best wishes Donna ; I hope you will get the help you so badly need. Cat xx

  • Dear DonnaCohen,

    You are not alone.

    While I am unaware ing what I am experiencing, I do understand much of what I have experienced: a literal lifetime of severe VP shunt malfunctions.

    If you have a Facebook account, please see a page called "Experiethe best of what P Shunt Malfunctions" when you have time.

    These problems I've dealt with throughout my life have been very hard on my body and mind, leading me to believe that I was truly alone and eventually causing seizures.

    On a day when I experienced an extensive series of seizures that lasted longer than I know, I'm left with fear of why my body goes through various kinds of pain at different levels of intensity. Even without a diagnosis or treatment for what has happened, my body has managed to find some ways to heal.

    Even with progression, all things take time.

    With great amounts od stress and very little support of my own struggling in the physical sense, I've managed to gain enough awareness to find any support I can through the Internet. This has lead me through paths that bring concern as well as enlightenment. I've been told that I could br dealingwithmany problems that include Trigeminal Neuralgia, Cluster Headaches, Chiari Malformation, VP shunt malfunctions and a possible aneurysm.

    Because of many issues that have affected my health, I've had suicidal thoughts cross my mind repeatedly throughout the years.

    Thos happens most frequently when I'm going through chemical imbalances due to VP shunt malfunctions. These unbearable problems cause me to not only feel that I have very little control of my body, mind and emotional state but, truly, to not have control no matter how much I'd hold on to whoever I was and wherever that existence lead me.

    As of a month ago, my body has made a tremendous change that I could scarcely see coming at the end of this past year.

    Since that change has occurred, I've been able to see how the world truly is and who I can really be.

    No matter what conditions hace affected me, my body and mind have never given up on me and I have always been determined to fight with a commitment to keep myself in touch. Although I don't know who I could have been without this life after premature birth, I can make the best of what I have: a body that continues to fight for me no matter what condition it's in. Therefore, the body is an inspiration.

    You are not alone, DonnaCohen-please remember that. <3

  • Ohhhh I know that feeling, the only way I used to get to sleep at night is by hoping that I didn't wake up.

    But as the saying goes, "you might as well live"

    Go and see your doctor immediately and show him/her this post. They'll help you through it I promise.

  • Hi Donna

    I see lots of people have replied to you with support.

    I cant add to it other than a repeat of 'you are not alone'.

    When you feel so alone, remember, you are not - you can never be, because of your condition you have found friendship with lots of other people. These people are the very dearest of friends Donna, because you know they understand 'where' you are.

    I dont know if these feelings ever stop or go away - sorry I wish I knew.

    Kindest regards

    Jules

  • DEAR DONNA, I'M SO SORRY YOU ARE HAVING A DIFFICULT TIME

    I THINK A LOT OS UF HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE & IT'S HORRIBLE.

    I HAD A BRAIN INJURY A WHILE AGO & LAST WEEK I HAD TO GO TO HOSPITAL I REALLY DID WONDER IF IT'S ALL WORTH IT. WEHAVETO SAY YES BECAUSEOURHUSBANDS & PARTNERS.

    I'M NOT SURE IF IT'S THE SAME IN SINGAPORE (DON'T KNOW WHY I PUT SINGAPORE IT JUST CAME INTO MY MIND) BUT I THINK THE FIRST THING YOU SHOULD DO IS TO GO TO YOUR DOCTOR TO SEE IF HE/SHE CAN PRESCRIBE SOMETHING TO HELP. I THINK IT'S BEST TO BE OPEN TO TAKING WHAT EVER THEY SUGGEST.

    FOLLOWING. MY ANEURYSM I'VEHAD CHRONIC ANXIETY & STRESS PROBLEMS & MY DOCTOR GAVE ME THINGS THT HAVE REALLY HELPED. . IT MAY BE TIME FOR MEDICAL INTERVENTION IF OTHER THINGS HAVEN'T WORKED SO FAR.

    I AM DORRY I TYPE IN CAPITALS BUT MY ANEURYSM TOOK SOME OF THE SIGHT IN BOTH EYES. IT MAKES THE SPELLING RUBBISH TOO! BY THE WAY YOUR ENGLISH IS PERFECT.

    I'M SO GLAD YOU FOUND THIS SITE IT IS A GREAT SOURCE OF COMFORT & SUPPORT.

  • Hi Donna, please don't give in. I'm glad you found this site. So many lovely caring people.

    Sometimes Just knowing people understand makes a huge difference, whatever their individual situations are.

    It's helped me so much. I hope you find it gives you some strength too. Take care.K

  • I am so sorry to read of your suffering, some of your feelings are familiar to me although I dont have your condition. Theres not much I can add to the brilliant and informative replies already posted, only my heartfelt sympathies and prayers for your recovery.

    Educate yourself as much as you can about the condition and whatever you can do to alleviate the symptoms. Being armed with as many facts as possible can help reduce the anxiety as you know what you are dealing with. This works for me as I realise that I am not my symptoms, and I can take action against them. This can help stop the spiral into anxiety and panic. Easier said than done I know, and I would suggest seeking whatever help and support possible, as you are already doing by posting on this forum. Commit to a plan of action to do whatever is needed and getting the right help to alleviate your symptoms and feelings. Writing things down can help. Also do try alternative therapies on offer , commit to giving them a fair try, you are worth it!

    I was given a book on mindfulness meditation that has helped, despite being hugely reluctant to try it I felt loads better after just one meditation, couldnt even get comfy in those traditional meditation poses, so I meditated in a hot lavender oil bath, just meditating on the breath and gazing through the bathwater steam for half an hour.

    praying that you find the right path to recovery and feel better soon!

  • Lots of love n hugs ....can't say much ...my son had a brain injury as a baby ...it's tough ...but you are NOT alone ...x people here are lovely ...don't give up ...x

  • Dear all,

    I have not enough worlds to thank all of you for being so caring and compassionate to a complete stranger like me...This morning feels better after I read your kind messages,I feel understood and not judged as I often fear, and somehow I decided to get out!I'll try at least...thank you,I needed a better day,thank you!

  • NO THANKS NECESSARY! I HOPE THINGS GET BETTER FOR YOU. PLEASE STAY IN TOUCH.

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