Confusion after BI

[StephanieCB]

What's the best way to handle this? Go along with their confused thoughts or correct them? Which way is least distressing for all involved? Example: this afternoon, Robin was adamant that this wasn't his home and they weren't his kids

[SAMBS]

Hi Stephanie, welcome.

Sorry I can't answer exactly. I had my BI Mar 2013 - and many other non-attributable complications shortly before and after, with some still ongoing - but confusion yes I understand - still ongoing.

There are times I wish I had someone here with me to assure me - but other times when I am with people telling me 'what is what' I get stressed because its not 'my' what.- then I revert back to the 'they just don't understand' thoughts in my head.

Stress makes matters worse - for me - I think its a long slow process to think about, and come to the realisation and terms with. what I've been told is right and OK - but I NEED TO ACCEPT THAT FOR MYSELF IN MY OWN WAY and TIME !

Not easy for you, as a carer or your family, who perhaps won't understand yet - that I can understand!

In some ways I'm lucky I am living on my own - albeit seeking and paying for help with things because I know I need professional help with re-registering/paperwork etc etc., (I'm not living in UK) so my situation is also in living with a different culture (French) - not always easy. I am not denying my past - its my present that is confusing, especially with very bad short-term memory and with my culture still in my head while living in a different culture.

Perhaps[s showing Robin, photos, if you have them, of an earlier time in life, in the house and with the children will help him remember - leave the photos with him to look at in his own time, again and again if necessary.

When did Robin have his Brain Injury and what caused it? Both he and you as his 'carer' will find individually lots of support, help and information from Headway (their contact details are on this site) and also 'us' the members on the forum.... we/ve been there done that! lots of us still are

take heart, take care......Shirley x

[StephanieCB]

Hi Shirley.

That helps, thank you. Robin had a massive SAH 24/1/14 caused by ruptured aneuryism.

He has a scrapbook filled with our photos but maybe it needs adding too.....

xx

[TwoCakes]

Hi Stephanie,

that must be very distressing indeed. My friend B was in post traumatic amnesia for a long while around 6 months and the confusion was greatest during that time. If B was confused or stating black was white then I would move on from the subject, but B was in hospital / rehab and is not my partner so I fully appreciate your situation is different.

What I do now is state the truth once gently but clearly and whatever B says move away from the subject. Sometimes I do ask a question after B has made a statement that is clearly factually incorrect and unhelpful for her to believe (e.g. the staff in the rehab want B to stay there forever) in the hope that B can reason her way to a different conclusion, but B's cognitive impairment is such that that doesn't always work because she may simply answer "I don't know" and she really doesn't, however if I move away from the subject, talk about something else then B does go along with that so I hope that keeps her stress down. Sometimes I then come back to the issue under contention and talk it through again. It's really interesting to hear you point SAMBS about the stress caused by people reiterating their 'way'. B sometimes responds much better 'second time around' and I wonder if that's because she has had a bit more processing time.

Again this may not work in your situation and I would recommend calling the Headway Helpline number to discuss strategies for your circumstances 0808 800 2244. I seem to remember some advice from one of their booklets about saying to your partner how the comments they are making affect you. The Helpline can send you the book and some can be downloaded from their website.

Leigh x

[Flumptious]

I had my TBI in 2005. When Rob used to come in to see me in hospital, he used to bring our lovely toddler, and also a very cute little baby. I often used to ask him who was her mother. "Pam, I told you this yesterday, and the day before - she's ours!" I am still missing several years of memory (moving house, having our second daughter, etc. etc.), but thankfully I love her to pieces now, and my day-to-day memory is fine.

I would go for correction (but make it very clear that it isn't his fault, getting confused!).

[RogerCMerriman in reply to Flumptious]

I work with a few guys gals who have dementia knowing when to correct and when to go with the flow, rather depends on what would cause upset/confusion. It sounds like gentle correcting would be the way.

[LynnMHutch]

My daughter has this problem with her father, (we are divorced but friendly)sometimes he thinks they are a couple, sometimes she's just a friend and then other times he knows who she is. She finds it quite distessing but gently corrects him each time and he doesn't seem to find it too upsetting to be corrected. he sustained a TBI just before Xmas after falling fown the stairs. he has lost about 18 months of memory but seems to be getting more confuseed each week, he's 75, my daughter deals with him by using constant gentle repetition and some things seem to be going into his memory,. She has made him a book of relevant facts and photos that he can refer to and he seems to find this helpful when he remembers to look at it! Taking each day as it comes seems to be the only way forward in this situation.

[cat3 in reply to LynnMHutch]

The book of relevant facts & photos is a brilliant idea that can be referred to any time, and I imagine can give much needed reassurance.

[Hidden]

This has just reminded me of our experiences while my wife was in the early stages of rehab on a specialist ward. I had taken a selection of photos in to put on the wall in her room (the staff encouraged it). She had been looking at some wedding photos and asked how her Mum and Dad were doing. This caught me completely off-guard because they has passed away 2 and 7 years before respectively. I had to very tactfully explain this and she actually went through grieving for them all over again. We had lost a few family members in the previous few years but fortunately she regained a lot of that missing memory within 6-12 months.

On a more positive note, she is able to look back on it now and realise that she has made progress and remembers a lot more these days.

Of course all cases are different, but I hope Robin regains those cherished memories of home and family.

I seem to remember that although a lot of my wife's direct access to memories was broken, the actual memories were still there if you could find a "back door" to them avoiding the "broken links".

Take care, Dev