Unsupportive Families: Hey guys what do you do when... - Headway

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Unsupportive Families

Negeen
Negeen

Hey guys what do you do when your family is not supportive. My brother keeps saying "You're not trying hard enough" and "You're just lazy" and "everyone forgets things" How do I deal with that?

53 Replies
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Hidden
Hidden

MINE WEREN'T EXACTLY FALLING OVER THEMSELVES. MY PARENTS LIVED 120 MILES AWAY & DIDN'T COME & SEE ME AT ALL. APPARENTLY MY SISTER CAME SO MY NEIGHBOUR TOLD ME BUT I DON'T REMEMBER SHE LIVES 18 MILES AWAY. SHE CERTAINLY DIDN'T COMES AS MY 'FOG' WAS LIFTING OVER THE FIRST 4 MONTHS. . SHE'S A PHARMACIST & COULD HAVE HELPED A LOT OVER THE YEARS (16). THE ONLY CONVERSATION WE'VE HAD WAS ABOUT A MONTH AGO. I JUST GOTON WITH IT MYSELF,MY FRIENDS WERE A SUPPORT BUT THEY DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH - YOU CAN'T SEE BRAIN INJURY CAN YOU. MY PARTNER SADLY LOST HIS BROTHER THE SAME YEAR AS MY ABI SO HE COULDN'T BE EXPECTED TO BE AROUND WHILST GOING THROUGH SUCH A TERRIBLE ORDEAL. AS TIME GOES YOU DISCOVER THE NEW YOU POST BI YOU GET USED TO YOUR NEW LIMITS. YOU MUST BE TRUE TO YOURSELF LIVING POST BI & DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU,NEVER MIND ANYONE WHAT ELSE SAYS.YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO ANYBODY. I WISH PEOPLE COULD WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES, I GUARANTE THEY'D SHUT UP THEN. I KOW I SOUND VERY ANGRY ABOUT MY FAMILY'SLACK OF INTEREST - I AM!. BEATOF LUCK.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Hidden

SORRY, BEST OF LUCK NOT BEAT OF LUCK, DON'T KNOW WHAT A BEAT OF LUCK IS!!

spartan300
spartan300 in reply to Hidden

please do not correct spelling mistakes it is hard sometimes for people to reply I know I have been there

Hidden
Hidden in reply to spartan300

SORRY I DON'T USUALLY BUT THAT SENTENCE WAS SO NONSENSICAL I THOUGHT I WOUL D M Y READING, WRITING, SPELLING & TYPING HAVE GONE COMPLETELY TO RATS SINCE ABI PEOPLE ARE SO INDERSTANDING BUT SOMETIMES IT'S SO BAD IT'S LKIE MARTIAN & I THINK PEOPLE MAY NEED A BIT OF HELP (IF I NOTICE IT'S C**P BEFORE I SEND POST THAT IS!!)

SAMBS
SAMBS in reply to Hidden

HI ZEBLE, YES WE HAVE ALL GONE THROUGH IT HAVEN'T WE? NO ITS NOT EASY BUT AS YOU SAY WE BECOME THE NEW POST BI PEOPLE AND IF WE CAN ACCEPT WE ARE WHO WE ARE WE ALSO HOPE OTHERS WILL. THIS IS THE BEAUTY OF FORUMS, WE DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER PRE BI - BUT WE KNOW HERE WE HAVE THE SAME THINGS IN COMMON,AS WE ONCE DID WITH OLD FRIENDS, SO WE MAKE OURSELVES NEW FRIENDS WHO WILL THEN ACCEPT US FOR WHAT AND WHO WE ARE. EVEN THEY KNOW WE HAVE A BRAIN INJURY, IT DOES NOT MATTER, THEY ARE TAKING US AS WE ARE NOW - NOT BEFORE! ITS DEALING WITH THE FAMILY THAT IS HARDEST BECAUSE THEY HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN US.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to SAMBS

THIS IS SO UPLIFTING & SO TRUE.

SAMBS
SAMBS in reply to Hidden

:-)

Hi Nageen, yes I've been there done that, and still am with unsupportive family and some friends I had once before. I know it will be difficult for you, but please try not to take it personally.

Your brother is the one making it personal, you are not the problem - your brother is (for you) because he does NOT understand the effects of your neural capabilities or why you cant do things he expects you to do.

"everyone forgets things" - is a regular comment we all hear, especially from my age 60+ - but not everyone forgets things like we with a B I can do - we forget things in seconds or minutes, where people with no B I may temporarily forget something a day, week or month later.

I don't know that there is any way to make family and friends understand and accept we are as we are. I once copied and pasted on paper, a lot of people's replies (without any names shown) where they have described their neural and other capabilities, or loss of them. This doesn't solve the problem with your brother but I hope it helps you know you are not the only one who has this problem. I have lost contact with 2 sons because of it and my husband (we are separated) will never understand or want to I don't think.

.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to SAMBS

I'M SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR FAMILY 'TROUBLES' USING THE WORD WITH THE SAME UNDERSTATEMENT AS WE ALWAY HAVE WITH NORTHERN IRELAND. AS I JUST SAID TO NEGEEN, MINE JUST DIDN'T (& STILL DON'T) SEEM TO CARE. I LOST MY MOTHER, MY DAD IS IN RESIDENTIAL CARE BUT MY MEDICALLY QUALIFIED SISTER DOESN'T GIVE A B****R AS I'VE SAID AD NAUSEUM ON HERE. SORRY TO REPEAT MYSELF BUT I AM BEYOND FURIOUS. I SAY TO HELL WITH ALL OF THEM I'LL DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR ME & MY SISTER & HER SELFISH FAMILY CAN BE OFF.I CAN'T USE THE WORD I WANT TO AS IT'S RUDE BUT YOU GET MY DRIFT. OOH THAT'S BETTER I HAVE NEVER WRITTEN THAT DOWN BEFORE, QUITE A RELEASE. GOING TO WATCH THE RUGBY NOW, LOTS OF RUNNNG INTO PEOPLE & KNOCKING THEM OVER - I WISH I COULD DO THAT TO A FEW!

YES I DID UNDERSTAND ZEBLET, EXACTLY! :-). ALSO GOING TO WATCH THE LATER RUGBY - FRANCE V SCOTLAND - NOW THERE'S A DILEMMA - MY PATERNAL FAMILY ARE ALL SCOTTTISH AND NOT LIVING EXC A COUPLE OF COUSINS - SO I'M SCOTTISH AND PREFER THAT TO 1/2 ENGLISH!

Hidden
Hidden in reply to SAMBS

CHOOSE ANYTHING BRITISH!! I USED TO LIVE IN N IRELAND & IRELAND ARE HAMMERING ITALY SO GO IRELAND

SAMBS
SAMBS in reply to Hidden

0;- BET YOU ARE A HAPPY BUNNY NOW ZEBLET

Hidden
Hidden in reply to SAMBS

I WILL BE IF ENGLAND DO THE BUSINESS AGAINST WALES THIS PM!

sospan
sospan in reply to Hidden

Grrs. The one time my short term memory won't work in my favour - I would like to be able forget this afternoon but I am sure my English friend will keep on reminding me :-)

Its common, when I saw my friend shortly after my injury one of his comments were "Now that you are off for a while you can finish that house you were building and if you have some spare time can you build me a fence ?"

I went through years of various medical related training and hit my head a few times but honestly didn't expect what effect a Brain injury can have. So unless you experience it personally people have no idea. The only way I can get people to understand is that imagine your drunk and pretending to be sober but your speech and balance has gone and you already have that hangover!

SAMBS
SAMBS in reply to sospan

good analogy sospan...

I get " I wish I could feel drunk all the time " !!!!

SAMBS
SAMBS in reply to Kirk5w7

I've been walking as though I'm drunk today - yes would prefer to feel drunk! i'm supposed to be packing up for my move but took cat for a walk up the lane instead and then came back and planted some bulbs I'd earlier decided I ought to leave till the move. But no! Anyway it me feel more normal, just would have been nice to have someone to share it with, 14 months of almost solitary confinement gets to me more now than it did before ;-(

So I understand that you 'get it' do you want to feel drunk today or even all the time, if yes why? Shirley x

Kirk5w7
Kirk5w7 in reply to SAMBS

sorry, I think I must be a bit befuddled today, people seem to think that it would be good to feel drunk all the time, I don't and I'm sure they wouldn't if it were to happen to them, its just an analogy that maybe doesn't explain our problems too well.

love Janet xxxxx

When I get tired my walk is clearly somehow different I feel a bit wobbly, and my wife has said I look a bit glassy eyed at times.

I get "are you okay" now and then from other folks when I'm travelling about if I'm tired.

And the odd police/rail staff etc clearly puzzled by me.

Have to say never drunk much before but haven't drunk since, no desire too.

I call it my "zombie walk" I feel like I walk like they do on the movies, I'm told I don't , it's just those sensations again, plus you know when it's not quite right, I think we must get good at covering up at times too xx

Zombie Walk that's great! I tend to on the whole be amused rather be annoyed by folks. I seem to confuse rather than worry folk.

People do tend to say "every one gets that" heard that most of my life, it's just so they can feel better on the whole.

that's why I do not go out that much

SAMBS
SAMBS in reply to Kirk5w7

sorry Janet - I was halfheartedly joking - only because your comment made me think about my wobbly walking! yes agree with you,I only have an occasional glass of wine now - 1 a week at most when in company and eating a meal out with them. I can't drink now - other than the 1 - it plays havoc with the brain. I live on tea these days and orange juice. It was too easy to drink, living here where wine is cheap, who knows may not have helped and been part of the reason for the BI.

It frightens me when I see the news or some of the things on UK TV about how much young people are drinking now, especially the girls. xx

Kirk5w7
Kirk5w7 in reply to SAMBS

Ive watched my daughter, the youngest one, she's 24 now, come in absolutely incapable, but you can't tell them, she's getting more sense now, it comes with age doesn't it? Plus when I think back, I was never incapable but I used to frequent the clubs in Manchester and drink when I was 16, pot and kettle comes to mind !!!!!!

SAMBS
SAMBS in reply to Kirk5w7

..also Janet I guess perhaps my comment meant that by preference if I did feel drunk then I would think I was, before B I /accident, normal again!

Kirk5w7
Kirk5w7 in reply to SAMBS

Im being a little over-sensitive today, took youngest son to Nottingham to check out the university there, it meant 4 hour round trip in the car and although my husband drove I'm shattered. Looks like it may be his first choice though, so job well done.

Bet you'll be glad when you finally move wont you?

Xxxxx

SAMBS
SAMBS in reply to Kirk5w7

wow long journey today, I remember when my boys went off to Uni Good luck with your sons results as and when.

Yes I'll be glad when moved - M day is 18th now, and hope to have phone, internet and sat dish/ tv up and running on 19th - well that I've been promised. Fortunately hadn't unpacked much here as I made the decision so quickly that I was in the wrong place, took longer to find the new place but I'm really looking forward to having neighbours and being in a village again. xxx

It was ok in the beginning but when it didnt get better quickly it became a drag for people to have to deal with. I think I was supposed to apologise for their inconvenience.

Some people thought it would come flooding back after a few weeks just like on the movies. It just is not a fairy tale though, it's real life. It's difficult to move onwards with the help of others, it is an awesome thing to move onwards inspite of other people's lack of support.

Be strong.

SAMBS
SAMBS in reply to Danslatete

you are so right Danslatete, why do we always end up apologising for other peoples attitudes, for something that happened accidentally to us?

I am always called lazy, my family and all probably because I look okay (took me 2 months to learn to walk again ,that's forgotten, how many people really know how hard that is) but hey that's people that have no understanding for you! All I do now is try to look after myself

SAMBS
SAMBS in reply to Mick1971

....again its the 'you can walk and talk' syndrome isn't it - they don't understand and don't want to and here we all are explaining ourselves to each other yet again when we should not have to justify it to anyone, least of all the people who don't have B I's but are happy to label us as being 'lazy' etc etc

Mick1971
Mick1971 in reply to SAMBS

At least we all understand what we are going through/living with. Many times I have thought"I wish my Sah had killed me" I am stronger than that :-)

SAMBS
SAMBS in reply to Mick1971

happy to read that Mick...oops the last sentence I meant.

Know the feeing my elderly mother is like that with me and my work are. The same even though my collapse was at work after my anerysm

Negeen I'm just glad I've had a supportive family as this really helps my recovery which is on going ! I find that health unlocked have been there for support and help when I've needed it ! At the end of the day its there loss as you sound like a really nice person best wishes to you on your recovery !

I was really struggling for 6 years until I found headway as for my family just because I looked ok I was faking my illness so called wife and children no support , but now they know but still say nothing , its a good thing that I was tough and fit before injury otherwise I dread to think what would have become of me still struggle now but at least my brother and friends understand me now.

Hidden
Hidden

FORGOT TO SAY - WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE SCOTLAND FRANCE GAME?????

SAMBS
SAMBS in reply to Hidden

sorry been out today Sunday - duty visit to in-laws - would hve preferred to stay here! It was a close match and I'm sorry Ecosse lost! Only just though. To be honest have forgotten the detail of the match already with today. I wasn't cheering when the final whist went - :-) Is interesting watching a match between 2 countries I have an interest in - but my 1st loyalty will always be to Scotland xx

Hidden
Hidden in reply to SAMBS

MALHEURSEMENT!

SAMBS
SAMBS in reply to Hidden

MAL....POUR ECOSSE PAS GAGNE OU PARCE-QUE JE PREFERE FRANCE DANS LE RUGBY :-) OU PEUT-ETRE LE JOUR ET FAMILLE! Hi all - I am joking with ZEBLET. I wanted to know if he was unhappy because Scotlnd lost, I prefer them to France or had a bad day eith family!

Hidden
Hidden in reply to SAMBS

PARCE-QUE TU PREFERE LA FRANCE. ECOSSE SERA TRES TRISTE D'AVOIR PERDU UNE ECOSSAISE J'ESPERE QUE TU A REMARQUE QUE L' .ANGLETERRE ONT GAGNER, BRAVO! NOT SURE IF SPELLING IS RIGHT,HAVING NO ACCENTS DOESN'T HELP. I HAVE ENOUGH TROUBLE IN ENGLISH THESE DAYS, BUT YOU G ET MY DRIFT! JE VAIS MANGER DU CHOCOLATE MAINTENANT (ENCORE UNE FOIS),AVANT DE DORMIR (AUSSI ENCORE UNE FOIS) . I HAD TO GO TO THE POST OFFICE THIS MORNING, ALLL OF A 10 MINUTE WALK BUT IT'S WORN ME OUT.

SAMBS
SAMBS in reply to Hidden

WOW ZEB, YOUR WRITTEN FRENCH IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN MINE. YOU KNOW A LOT OF THE LITTLE WORDS I STILL HAVEN'T LEARNT YET - OR HAVE BUT FORGOTTEN!

Hidden
Hidden in reply to SAMBS

MERCI! LANGUAGES WERE THE ONLY THING I WAS REALLY GOOD AT! NOT USING THEM SO MUCH ANYMORE REALLY MAKES YOU FORGET THO'.WHEN. YOU SPEAK YOU CAN FUDGE THE WORDS A BIT, ESPECIALLY GERMAN WHERE YOU CAN MUMBLE THE WORD ENDINGS. IT'S GENDERS I HAVE FORGOTTEN SO APOLOGIES TO ANYONE WHO'S CRINGING IF I'VE GOT THEM WRONG. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, USE IT OR LOSE IT SO I MUST WATCH SOME MORE FOREIGN FILMS!

nemo_really
nemo_really in reply to Hidden

This is one of the "interesting" areas of memory problems. I'm looking at a mathematical paper and making sense of it (despite having to frequently look up things because I've forgotten what something means) because I can use my visual memory to construct a "flow" picture that make sense of it.

Languages are a totally different matter. I've been trying to learn Russian for about 4 years, on and off, but I just can't remember more than a few words or phrases, an even then i often get confused as to exact pronunciation; in fact, i struggle to make out some of the longer words because I've forgotten the first part of it long before I've got to the end of it!

It's weird and i totally understand why "normal" people have problems empathizing with it. Doesn't make it any less frustrating though - i often wish we had some kind of status light on our heads!

Hidden
Hidden in reply to nemo_really

RUSSIAN

Hidden
Hidden in reply to nemo_really

I'M TRYING TO REPLY TO YOU BUT SOMETHINGS GONE WEIRD WITH THIS COMPUTER & THE REPLY SPACEHAS GONE REALLY SKINNY & I CAN ONLY GET PARTS OF WORDS ON IT. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN SEE THAT FROM YOUR END. IS THERE ANYWAY YOU COULDSEND ME YOUR MESSAGE AGAIN SO HOPEFULLY IT CAN GET TO USE THE SHOLE PAGEWIDTH!

My late brother and were very close when we were young but then we went our own way when i was 11 ,and he went his way but into trouble while i kept away from trouble he changed and didn't like me anymore well i forgive him for his bad attitude but i sometimes think because somebody is the youngest in the family they are jealous like my brother he went through 2 divorces as my hubby and i doing okay and had a strong love bond between us.

well my turn today with family - as it was sister-in-laws birthday. Pretty much same problem, tripped up over words, ended up disagreeing over something and was told I didn't understand what I was being told - was being treated like a child who knows nothing about living in france, when I've been here 6 years and they've only been here 1.

I couldn't relax, basically just did not feel comfortable with them, my sister-in-law is a lovely lady generally, but I always sense that her husband, my ex's brother just loses patience with me, or perhaps I'm just paranoid now because they are not my close family.

They had a friend staying for a holiday and I felt I got on better with her, I had nothing to prove, she just accepted me as she found me, warts and all if she saw any - it helps when its like that.

hello there, I think this is a common problem, and not just families, but also friends and even consultants, but hope is at hand, the way i got around it was to meet up with others who have a similar condition, not just online, but face to face and talk to them, its very reassuring.

Hidden
Hidden

My family have never really been there with what I need. Never understood but the main thing is to keep being strong.

supportive families ha. i have had to move away. had family all round me but they never bothered so it would hurt. now i live miles away my head can cope with the fact that they dont bother no coz i am miles away.sad but it helps. i have moved with very little help from any of my family. i have been punished everyday for having a BI .i get talked down to coz i am thick,deaf,slow,FORGETTFUL,dis organised,easyly fustrated,accident prone etc. i get mad when folks are unhelpful and act dosile or say "i cant"... when they are quite capabal of doing things as they have not had a brain injury.. moving house and remebering everthing to do. sorting and makin a home your own..thats when it hits you 4 years post bleed that you are still brain bruised!.it is so hard but i am here to tell it so i guess i am a lucky one. xx

oh we al got them mt mums not here wish she was all i have is elderly aunt whos ill and a big head no it all sister who says stuff like this person does this that you carnt be bothered umm no i could if i could

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