I just lost a good friend due to my husband's beha... - Headway

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I just lost a good friend due to my husband's behavior after his stroke


I am feeling sad that my friends no longer want to travel with us or spend time with us as my husband's lack of executive skills is spoiling their enjoyment of our time together. My friend has tried over the past 5 years to understand his behavior and expects it to improve (which it won't). She is very critical of my trying to cope with his disinterest, obsessive behavior (right now all he wants to do is collect rocks) and his being anti-social. I guess I can hire a caretaker and leave him home and vacation on my own, or just not plan much. He does well in car trips, where he can watch out the the window and is in a limited space (the front seat) and does not have to socialize with others.

19 Replies

wow how cruel and ignorant peole can be notwithstanding you should have a life but not by abndoning the man you love and swore in marriage vows for in sickness and health

real friends true friends are proven in troubled times if they feel uncomfortable then thats their own insecuities taking control of their sad lives i had a sah in 2007 since then i found that true friends enjoy my company having me about with my walking stick relying on assistance to get me about adds a certain humour to any llunch or day out genuine people are caring more so as i have foiund if the injured person is able to self mock

Can I just point out that I think your use of the word 'abandoning' is very harsh! As a carer you do everything you possibly can to keep life as normal as you can and it takes its toll. Carers need some respite in order to provide the care that they do. Abandoning them would be to stick them in a care home and not bother visiting...... Please think before using strong language, you can cause a lot of upset if you say the wrong thing.

colorado in reply to MrsBalfy

Oh, dear, I don't think I used the word "abandon"..it is just a thought that I might need to hire a compatible caretaker to be here at home to manage his daily life: meals, outings, etc. so that I could travel a little. I am not sure he even enjoys the traveling.

MrsBalfy in reply to colorado

No no colorado, I was saying it to ncmurphy1951, he used the word abandon....

Hello, ncmurphy1951: I agree that true friends are there for troubled times..This is testing their friendship for sure. I have a feeling that they will just not spend as much time with us as before. There are other 'friends" that have just dissapeared, never to be heard from again. I need to figure out how to continue an interesting life with fewer of these kinds of "friends"

don't forget that you need time out and your own interests too, you cannot live solely to be his carer, is there anyway you can arrange care so you can go out with your friends regular so you can also live your own life

Is your husband aware of these problems ? & do you think he might even be happier staying at home (with a carer) whilst you take a break with your friends ?

If he were quite happy with that arrangement, it would (for me) depend on the history of the friendship and the strength of the bond with your friend. If she's been loyal and supportive otherwise, it's understandable that she will want some quality time with you, and you with her.

Some 'me' time, apart from your husband, could considerably boost your own state of health & mind which, surely, would benefit both you and him ultimately. x

colorado in reply to cat3

Hi to Cat: The nature of my husbands brain injury keeps him from being aware of other people and their needs and problems..He is pretty self-centered. He doesn't pay much attention to others. My friend has been through a lot of ups and downs with me and she will still be there...It is just that she and her husband do not want to spend their holiday time with us anymore. I am working on finding a person (male) that can be a caretaker that can be here for an extended period of time. Thanks for your comments.

really any decision for you to have a break must be a mutual one done only with trust and acceptance of you both both of you should only listen to yourseleves nd not allow yourseleves to be infleuenced by others and self styled know it alls why always trit out the but i am only thinkinhjg of you crap utter rubbish what they mean to say this is how i want it done do it my way

Thanks for your support in helping me know what exactly what we may need. I do not think these "friends" will want to travel with us in the future, and I need to figure out how to make things work; probably another car trip.

pleasure look before my sah iu was leading what some described as a enviable life director of a huge south african leisuree hoitel company engaged to my perfect lady and the happiest i ever been self styled friends asking for and getting frree stays at hotels all 5 star after injyury i soon realised i wont work again and always be disabled so i breleased y fiancee from her obligation toi marry me letting all my address book know our parting was my call these so called friends then started upo why has she dumpoed me no longer friends

I sounds like we have to create a NEW NORMAL that all can live with and be comfortable.

one can only e comfortable and happy when surrounded with a person or poersons they trust and of course and i hate to soiund like a recovering alcho;lic but one cannot love until one loves oneself

I also have come to the conclusion that I need to rely more on myself than on others.

quiteright there are only 4 vpeople you can trust and rely on 1st yourself 2nd your partner and 3rd and 4trh in equal measure if they are still with us your parents tip watch obamas speecnh at martin luthefr king memorial wow what a speech almost as inspiriung as the one 50 years ago

I ve just lost my best friend lover and way because of a action and brain injuries that changed our lives . sorry for your loss

colorado in reply to vimto

It is hard to know a person was different before a brain injury that effects so much of their life and interactions with others and that it won't go back to being the way it was.

I lost many frfiends after the head injury. My otherhalf lost some too. We do have friends who dont care about the new me being different and those that did find it hard have fallen by the way side. My hubby does his own thing with his friends and i do mine. It gives us the time apart to diffuse any stresses of the day. He goes hunting and fishing and flying his birds of prey. I go to scouts/ cubs and yoga and musical things. We both have a long weekend away from the family and another where we go off together. We do go places with friends but not for longer than one night away or at home as it causes too much stress. Reading this i thinl its about balance. Our rfrelationship is import, our family is important and our fiends are important but we learnt to not put me in a stressful situation because i cant cope and then everyone gets upset by the fallout. How about do one day as a couple with the friends then one with your hubby, being on vacation together but having almost two holidays in one?

colorado in reply to Danslatete

Your experience with short visits is a good idea. The last one we went one with friends was a week and it wore everyone out. Your advice is well taken. Thank you.

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