Mixed Emotions

[kjg001]

Well a long time ago, my partner used to enjoy doing amateur dramatics, and he is now looking at getting an evening job in a theatre due to our financial situation.

I feel really guilty, my business is on the brink of collapse, no news yet from the DLA, sick pay will soon stop and was only £200 this month.

Now if he does get this job at the theatre, is he doing it for himself or me or both, If it is something he really wants to do then fine, I have no issue, but I hate the fact he might be being forced into it because of me.

Also, and this is selfish, I will not see him if he gets this job, he will have to go right from his 9-5 job, I rely on him for help a lot, with washing (I do this in the evening with his support usually except at weekends when it could be any time), cooking and just love spending time with him, I know he is probably doing this due to the need for money.

I need to get back to work but I am currently unable, I am trying to think of things I could do.

Social Services have not got back regarding my assessment, I will chase this Tuesday. I will also chase the referral for Neuropsychotherapy from my GP, as when I checked they had not received my referral, I really need Social Services to fund me to go to headway twice week I just think it will help me, I am getting really desperate now and have no idea what to do, he keeps telling me not to feel sorry for myself.

My pain is better and I am managing on a lot less pain relief, I can also sleep through the night now, I walk much better with a stick. I still worry about going out due to a few embarrassing incident with needing to pass urine and not getting to the destination on time, but do not walk like a drunk and get funny looks any more.

I am slowly recovering, but will it be in time to avoid financial disaster, I do so hope so.

[kjg001]

Forgot to mention, I still ned my naps half way through the day more often than not, maybe we need to sell up and go live in spain, lol, but the bungalow we have is perfect for us, we get no abuse from being a male couple and it is nice and quiet and I had a pre-existing knee condition and it makes a huge difference not having stairs.

[ricozoe in reply to kjg001]

you shldnt feel guilty, its nt your fault wat happend to u ,if yr prtner gts this other job,itl be to help u both,n u r not selfish either,if he does it its cos he cares , n ul miss him cos u care , hope everything else gets srtd soon , tke care

[kjg001 in reply to ricozoe]

ty, made me smile on a day when I am very down. xx

[ricozoe in reply to kjg001]

ty fr reply,im very down also today,n reading tht i made u smile, cheered me up,

[cat3]

Hi kjg. Can I ask you.....is someone else running your business at present ?

[kjg001]

my partner, but alot of it has gone, just a little bit of business hanging on right now, enough for a salalry of about £500 a month. We have a feeling it will go soon, cheers Ricozoe, I need to talk to him tonight, had a text from DWP saying they contacting my doctor and will be in touch soon. I so want help from a person not money, I want to be who I was again, I am crying today, tried to quit smoking and failed, my hair is a mess, I struggle to get myself sorted in the morning and it is all getting far too much to cope with for me, have always been independant, must be hard for mmy husband too, I said the other day that if we can not afford to pay back the credit cards and loans, we just contact them and ask for an agreement to pay less as long as we pay the mortgage, that is the main thing. He didnt like that idea at all, I need to think of something I can do from home, I think I am just scared of the unknown, I added up all the debts excluding the mortgage and lets just say the figure was scary. oh what to do.....................................................................................................

[ricozoe in reply to kjg001]

dnt know bout u , but i had another stroke bout mnth or 2 ago n was tld if i didnt stop smokingi gt no chnce , but i havnt been able to yet , but since this brain op i seem to beat myself up over everything,little things , bggr things ect ect ,i also think things through too much,obviously you have a lot to try n srt out ,but u should try n not be so hard on yourself . its a lot to cope with when u ave trble dressing n wshing ect ,i cried loads ystrday as it was sunny but i was too ill to sunbathe or anything,this time lst year i had my family splashing round in our 13 foot pool,,so i spent ystrdy am thinking why cnt i put pool up , n tidy garden,thn most of aftrnoon crying,by the night i was fed up with it all ,n just relaxed n all, then am it was raining so i shouldnt of worried about any of it,i hope this reply mkes sense as it does to me, but my brains muddled as usual, take care hope u can gt srted soon

[kjg001]

makes perfect sense, when i cooked yesterday, I spoke out loud to myself, something i do alot as a coping method, I realised I sounded like I was doing a cooking show and was only doing cheese stuffed chicked with deep fried new potatoes and salad, I broke down when my hubby came in but we have decided on one thing that might help, I have set up a schedule on my mac, now everything I do is listed with times, the idea is to get me doing the things I normally do over and over again to get my routine back. I have started smoking but still want to stop. But for me it is not the right time, I can not deal with this and giving up at the same time, I am screwed financially, but DLA and some ESA or something will come into place shortly, this will help a little and he is also entitled to carers allowance, we still need about £1000 more each month, but I am trying little things like changing our energy provider, selling more stuff in our home, re-negotiating our broadband, tv and stuff, so who knows, maybe finding an extra £500 a month with be enough, that is only finding £100 more a week, if I end up on either mid rate or high rate something on DLA then it is just £50 a week, and family may help with a few hundred and that will give us lots of breathing space, also looking at moving credit cards or consolidating debts, we have to believe their is hope and we need to move one day at a time.

I am having terrible thoughts again so have the doctors monday to talk about my depression, things have to work!!!!

Well what a sorry lot of individuals we are, I hope by keeping myself busy with the daily schedule I will stop the over thinking and have less depressive thoughts about harming or killing myself.

OK I have had a life changing event, so I have to deal with it not spend too much time thinking about how bad I am or the lack of help.

I am still waiting for Neuropsychology, Social Services and DWP, nothing is hapening fast, but that is because I am not the only one in this position.

Life goes on, and I must also.

We have to keep smiling, at everything.

[ricozoe in reply to kjg001]

hi,ope u feeling ok tdy , about 2mnths aftr cming out of hospital,i put in a claim fr dla,at the time i didnt care if i gt it or nt,i just wanted sme xtra money to help my dghtr out as she ad to give up her job to look aftr me.it was refused ,i appealed n gt a lettr saying still no ,as i was in no dngr of epelectic fits , blackouts ,dizziness,and alougth i liked aving smeone with me wen i went out i didnt need them to,what a joke ,but didnt ave enough fight left in me to argue wth them,2 weeks ago i saw my neuro dr,and was askd wat help i was getting,wen i said about dla ,she was disgusted with them, i thght it was going to b lft at that,untill lst week when i gt a letter explaining i do ave epelepsie ect ect, she wrote down all my health probs,every tablet i had to take and all the side effects frm the op.and added a seperate note fr me . saying send this into dla and if thy need a neuro dr, give them her no . so 9 mnths into recovery ive gt someone on my side,i ave a fantastic family,whos help i cldnt do without,but fr 9 mnths i thght noone else was on my side. so there is hope to gt over all these obstacles.and i hope the neuro, ss, and dwp move quick to help u .